Friday, December 21, 2007

On Inheritances

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

What does inheritance mean to you?

Is an inheritance something that you earn? A reward for "good behavior" over the course of a lifetime? Something parents are obligated to grant to their children? Something that children "deserve" to get?

We've all heard the story of the Prodigal Son. How his brothers were mad when he returned after years away and was greeted warmly by their father, welcomed back into the fold, and generously bequeathed a third of his father's estate. His brothers were pissed. They thought they'd be getting half each. They felt cheated. But the moral of the story is about forgiveness and acceptance, that no matter how far away you travel or how long you are gone, a father's love is always there when you need it.

But look at it from the brothers' point of view. They spent all their time slaving away for their father, pouring sweat equity into what they thought they would one day split equally. To have this interloper show up at a conveniently opportune time (right before the father kicked it), then be granted a third of the estate when he'd contributed nothing to the deal? Preposterous! Obstruction of justice! Unfair! The Prodigal Son didn't "earn" it.

The father didn't see it that way. The father wanted to bless ALL of his children equally. The brothers already thought of the estate as theirs and they didn't want to give up an inch.

Is an inheritance negotiable? Is a Will merely a politeness? Or is it set in stone that this document must be interpreted as written by the deceased?

During this past year, I've been involved in a squabble over the distribution of my parents' estate. This was not something I consciously wanted, mind you. But somehow I attracted it to myself.

The conflict was generated by my sibling, my Mother's biological daughter, who is considerably older than I am. We have always been on good terms, or so I thought. I also thought I knew her. But perhaps growing up under two separate roofs had a detrimental effect on our relationship. She was already graduated and in college when I arrived, so we were both raised as only children. We never had sibling rivalry, or were able to forge that special "us against the 'rents" bond that hopefully occurs between siblings of the same generation. I thought I knew her... until the crisis of a lifetime happened, and she didn't react at all like my parents and I expected. We expected everyone to rally and come together in a crisis.

The opposite happened. True colors and selfishness reared their ugly heads. While my Dad was ill and my Mother panicked and dependent, it fell on me to provide 99% of their care, handle their finances, and make sure things functioned as they should while we waited for what we thought would be Dad's eventual return to the helm of the family. I was happy to step in temporarily. The rest of the family was greatly relieved that I had it all under control and as was said to me more than once, "I'm so glad you're there to deal with this (not me)". We never anticipated that he'd die a few months later. Or that Mother would be diagnosed with terminal cancer and four months to live mere weeks after his passing.

The point of the squabble is that my sister feels shortchanged in some way, though my Mother was very fair and divided the estate in half: one half to me, one half to her. The estate includes two houses, some antiques, and a chunk of cash. I was granted the right to take part of my share in real estate, to claim one of the houses as a permanent home, and the other is on the market with proceeds from the sale to be split equally after taking into consideration the value of the home I chose. To each receive half makes us each quite well-off for a bit and gives us the boost we'd need to jumpstart whatever dreams we may have. So what's the problem?

Somehow, the situation has turned into a negotiation for redistribution of the shares, courtesy of my sister. Questions about our personal situations and finances have been brought in by my sister in an attempt to support the argument that she "needs" the money more than I do, therefore she should get "more". I have been running interference, conversing with the lawyer to remind him that this is a WILL, not a business contract or sale, and that it should not be interpreted based on who has the better sob story or claims to be worse off. I'm trying to ward off bad vibes by not saying how I really feel about this development, but let's just say, it affects my happiness and my comfort level.

It occurred to me today that this is completely counter to what an inheritance is all about. It's not a reward. It's not an obligation. It's not something we children deserve, or should expect, or demand.

An inheritance is a GIFT.

Our parents did not HAVE to leave us anything. There was no obligation to leave it to us. They could have said sell off both houses, and donate all the money to cancer research or charity. But they didn't—they passed it on to us AS A GIFT. An extremely generous, profoundly moving, final farewell gift that originated in their hearts because they love us and because the only thing they ever wanted was to see us happy and fulfilled. Their hope was that by giving us these things, we would be elevated to a better place, we would have enough money to jump start our dreams, we'd have a place to live if we needed it—they were taking care of us.

To "negotiate" a "better" or "more fair" share of this is to completely disrespect the gift and dishonor our parents. THIS is why it upsets me so much. Instead of squabbling over whether my piece of pie is a molecule larger than hers, we should be celebrating! We should be accepting the gift as Mother wanted it to be given to us, with an attitude of utter gratefulness and grace! We should be thankful that, number one, they left us anything at all, and that two, they had so much to leave to us! There is MORE than enough there to make us both comfortable. There is more than enough there to give both of us a much-needed boost into a better life.

I question why I seem to be the only one who sees it this way. I'm happy to be getting anything at all. She's complaining that it's not enough and that troubles me and I'm finding it a challenge to understand her behavior.

The point is, an inheritance is not a business contract, not an earned reward, nor is it a negotiable instrument. It is a gift to us from our parents. Those of us who have been blessed with a gift such as this would do well to remember that it is a gift freely given, and honor it and receive it graciously and gratefully, no matter how big or small it is, how valuable, or what form it takes.

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