On The Verge: Enough, or Not?

A major limiting belief recently reared itself. Apparently, somewhere along the line I got it into my head that before I can allow myself to deserve to be successful, I must first lose everything.

It certainly explains what's been going on in my life these past few months.

Now, where does one acquire such a belief? Well, trace it to my youth. While I grew up in upper-middle-class surroundings and never knew what "true wanting" was, I took on this limiting belief from others. I was and still am set on being a successful commercial recording artist (read: rock star). I read everything I could get my hands on about musicians and their road to fame and glory, hoping to pick up tidbits and formulate a plan.

Unfortunately, I seem to have picked up the WRONG tidbits.

It's not just the musicians, it's everywhere. The hard luck story. The rags-to-riches saga. The tale of how tragedy struck and it looked like the world was caving in on them only to have a miracle occur at the 11:59 mark that saved them and turned their world upside down in a good way. The big break following utter tragedy. Case in point:

Kelly Clarkson—grew up poor. Shortly after moving to LA with her best friend, their apartment burnt down. The only thing that survived the fire were the clothes they were wearing at the time. Because of this Kelly was forced to move back home rather than pursue her dreams of being a singer. A couple of months later, she auditioned for the first season ofAmerican Idol and went on to become... well... Kelly Clarkson.

Joe Vitale—became homeless, lived in virtual poverty while dreaming of becoming the best-selling author and manifestation guru that he is today.

JD Fortune (won the INXS search for a lead singer)—formerly homeless, lived in his car with his dog under a bridge, had a drug issue... he had no money and this was his last shot at living when he competed on the TV show "Rock Star: INXS" in 2005 and won.

Rick Dutrow (trainer of 2008 Triple Crown contender Big Brown)—was living with the drug-addicted mother of his toddler daughter when the mother was murdered (in front of the child). He had no money, but he and his daughter moved into a 12x12 tack room at the racing stable where he worked. Now, of course, he's miles from there.

And of course, just about every musician you'll ever meet has a hard-luck-before-wild-success story to share. Except maybe my favorite guitarist, Steve Vai. He grew up in a nice neighborhood in Long Island. Took guitar lessons. Went to Berklee School of Music. Spent time in the school’s library transcribing Frank Zappa’s works by ear, then, on a lark, mailed transcriptions of Zappa’s guitar solos to him. Zappa arranged a meeting, and was so impressed with Steve's abilities that he hired him to transcribe his "seemingly endless array of experimental symphonic rock". That's a ballsy story about guts and audacity rather than luck, but it's more of a rarity to find this type of story than the other.

My brain put two and two together and decided:

Poverty and hard luck is the key to success.

Yeah. You read that right.

My nasty little brain has been attempting, quite effectively, to drag me down to the depths of despair, THINKING IT'S HELPING ME BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

Last night, this deeply buried limiting belief surfaced. I stared at it in disbelief. "But..." I cried, "I don't WANT to lose everything!!! Isn't it enough to be on the verge?"

The shock of this realization had me reeling, because there at the end was the exploitable truth.

I DON'T have to lose everything.

The important point was that I thought I needed a "story". Something to justify it to the masses when I finally get my big break and am commercially successful, something that points to my deservedness: Did she work hard enough? Did she truly suffer? OK, then she is deserving and we accept her success.

Yes, I realize those point to other LBs. But the point is finding my "story". My brain was trying to write my story for me according to what it had determined is the key to success. You must lose everything, you must fail, THEN you deserve to succeed and can do so.

But something else spoke to me in that moment. This voice sounded like the nudges of inspiration that always lead me to wondrous things. The voice said,

"Does anyone really pay that much attention to the background stories? To the details? Are semantics necessary? Do you... really have to go all the way... or is it enough to have been on the verge?"

CLICK.

Yes. It IS enough. As long as there is truth in my story, nobody will dispute it, nor are they likely to feel compelled to researching the details not covered. Background stories are two-second sound bites... and they are all spin-doctored, anyway. In fact, I'd bet half the hard luck stories are just that—stories. Spin-doctored out of a couple of facts to sound as dramatic as possible. Which is fine. Who really cares? If someone is talented, isn't that enough?

It's enough to say, "I had $500 left in my bank account, no job, and I was on the verge of losing my house and having all the utilities shut off when my big break came and..."

Because NOBODY will pay much attention to the phrase "on the verge of" and read into what it really means, especially if the emphasis is on the word "LOSING" when it's spoken. And it's doubtful anyone would look into it and find out that:

• Yes, MY account only had that much in it, but I was due to inherit a very large sum from my parents' estate in a short while so...
• Yes, my mortgage was late a couple times and I was requesting forebearance to save myself but it was at the beginning not the end and I had time to salvage it and...
• Yes, it was my house, but not the one I was living in at the time, it was the old one that was on the market anyway and...
• Yeah, they probably would have shut off my utilities if I didn't pay them.
• And I didn't have a job. Yet. Unless you count playing in a cover band (which surprisingly few people do count as a "real" job despite the fact that the money is the same color).

Semantics.

Yes, I've been ON THE VERGE. But I DO NOT HAVE TO actually GO all the way "there". I'm comfortable with where I've been. I have enough authenticity in my "story" that I feel I am NOW truly deserving of any and all success that is coming my way. (And it was quite silly to put myself through this kind of torture for nothing.)

Besides. Maybe the inheritance money cushion is God's intention for me, and IS my Big Break. Maybe it's there to allow me the space and time to give my full attention to my music career without being distracted by things like day jobs and mortgages. If so, then I've been allowing this ridiculous LB to encourage me to DENY it for me. I've been refusing God's Gift to me.

And that is just wrong on so many levels.

So today, I'm processing this and revamping my belief system accordingly. I've also had some major revelations regarding my music career and God and the devil, but we'll save that for another day.

Beliefs and Purpose

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

Since discovering the Law of Attraction and undertaking a serious, daily study of it, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness. This is better than therapy: limiting beliefs are making themselves known, and I have been carefully monitoring my thought process to catch them in the act and employ Neuro Linguistic Programming to alter these counter intentions to align with my truest intentions. I'm creating an entirely new belief system. This post is divided into two segments: one focuses on Beliefs, the other on Purpose.

BELIEFS

I've been uncovering many limiting beliefs (LBs) or counter intentions. There seem to be so many—how could I possibly identify and corral all of them in order to appropriately dispose of them? It would take years.

Or so I thought.

Today it occurred to me that every one of my smaller LBs is a sub-genre of a larger, more primitive LB. Today I was able to trace back to several LBs that were instilled in me during my earliest moments on Earth. The smaller beliefs are offshoots and combinations of the principles therein. That's why I've been only somewhat successful in addressing them—I've been pruning the new growths rather than pulling out the entire shrub.

So far, I've traced back to eight total beliefs. There may be more, but eight is a good start. Keep in mind that I was adopted at the age of ten days and waited 42 years to meet my birth family and get their side of the story. So my beliefs were based on the truth that I knew, not the truth I came to know.

The truth that I knew was that my birth parents were separated, my b-mom couldn't take care of me on her own, and there were older siblings. That was it.

The truth that I came to know after meeting them was that I was indeed very much wanted by my birth mother, that she'd lost all of the kids due to a shitty set of circumstances over which she had little control (she thought), that she'd been given the option to give me up in exchange for keeping the existing siblings, that despite relinquishing me to adoption the other five kids were placed in foster homes, and that eventually she was able to reclaim every child but me, which she regretted for the rest of her life. I also learned that she'd never forgotten me, always loved me, missed me terribly, and always wanted to find me (which she did, 42 years later).

That said, my earliest belief system is as follows:

1. Authority figures are bad and controlling and cannot be trusted

My b-mom was in prison for child neglect (erroneously). The authorities forced her to relinquish me. I was given a lot of good things but was denied the one thing I wanted more than anything else in my less-than-ten-day-old world—my mother. I had no choice. I was controlled.

2. I'm rubbish/under par

My b-mom had other kids already. That she let me go without a fight (so I thought) and kept the others meant that I must've been sub par in comparison to the siblings. I wasn't good enough to keep. I'm disposable.

3. I'm the last resort choice

I was adopted by truly wonderful people who couldn't have another child any other way, and were so desperate for one that they'd gladly take "anything". I'm not special, I'm just what was settled for. Last resort.

4. Work extra hard to be good enough or they'll change their minds and dump you

Because of #2 and #3, I believe that as long as I'm perfect, good, kind, and generous and keep them happy with me, I'll be allowed to stay; but should I eff up or defy them in any way, they'll lose interest and I'll be abandoned again.

5. Conformity is the key to success

Nobody will like you if you're different. Try to fit in better—you stand out too much. It's wrong to enjoy the attention you get or looking or acting weird/different. Uniqueness makes others uncomfortable. Better than you're uncomfortable and everyone accepts and likes the false "you" than to be your true happy, comfortable and unacceptable self.

6. A leopard is not allowed to change his spots

Once you are established as being one thing or behaving a certain way, you are obligated to stay that way. You cannot suddenly change your mind and be or do something else, because it upsets the apple cart when others have to adapt to your new behaviors. You don't want to do that, because you're already on thin ice as it is being last resort choice. Your role was set early on, so you just have to make do. Because we are comfortable with you in THIS role only. We have successfully manipulated you to fit this role because it serves US. Your role is strictly there to benefit us—not you—just remember you are on permanent probation with us.

7. Life should be hard, otherwise it's meaningless

Taking the easy way out is wrong. You only deserve it if you struggle to get it. The more you struggle the more it's worth. You're spoiled—which is also bad—if it comes to you too easily, or you must be doing something shady to get it (suspicion).

8. Generosity is motivated by sympathy: he who is most pathetic wins

Case in point: Mother (my adoptive one) was always rushing to give money to the daughter or niece with the biggest sob story. But if you asked, as if you deserved it, she would snort in disbelief and tell you to go out and get it yourself, you have a good job, you don't need (deserve) it. I was admittedly quite good at eliciting sympathy by being pathetic and hopeless, as was my more artistic niece. She was so good that all it took was a pout, worried eyes, and a woeful moan in her voice and boom. How much do I make that check out for? My sister and the other niece, however, weren't into the whole pathetic act. So they got "less". My sister would pull pathetic only if she had to. My niece, on the other hand, avoided that like the plague, instead getting insulted that she didn't seem to be as "deserving". Mother paid for both niece's undergrad studies. Mother was offended when the younger niece expected Mother to pay for grad school. When Mother refused, younger niece decided she couldn't go to grad school and it was Grandma's "fault".

So. There you have it. My eyes have been opened wide. Number eight came about after my sister decided to crank up the pathetic act with the estate laywer, of all people, in an attempt to sway him to adjust the distribution of the Will so she'd get all the cash up front and I'd get no cash and just the house (and we'd split the sale from the other house so I'd get money "later"). It irritated me so much. The reason? Because she was using #8 effectively, and because my "strength", my "role" in the family was that I was the best at being truly pathetic—it's what I was "good" at being—and here she was proving #4 to me. That's confusing. What I was thinking was:

How dare she! I'm really good at being not good enough and pathetic, and there she is trying to out do me at that even! To prove to me that I'm not even good enough at being not good enough/pathetic!

My challenge now is to counter each of those beliefs with positive intentions. It's quite freeing seeing them clearly for the first time, as convoluted as they are. Now I know that I'm going to be all right, because I can attack these head on and CHANGE them (and myself) and those things that upset me before I'll be immune to from here on.

PURPOSE

I'm reading (a bunch of books but most momentarily) Joe Vitale's "Life's Missing Instruction Manual" which has snippets of important concepts. One was about identifying what you really want. He said "I don't know" isn't the correct answer—it's a lie. You just don't want to admit you know, because once you admit to it, then you either have to make it happen, or come up with excuses as to why you aren't making it happen. (He's so right.) So I looked at the clock. I told myself:

OK. For the next ten minutes starting at X, you have a window. During that window, you are allowed to freely state what it is you want to be, do or have, without consequence. Admitting it does NOT mean you have to make it happen, or that you have to make excuses for why you aren't. All you are allowed to do is admit to it. Once the ten minutes are up, the window closes, and you can decide to either make it happen, or forget you ever admitted it.

Then I watched the clock. At 2:50 PM, my window opened.

At 2:55 PM, I realized something.

It's not about being a rock star, or a horsemanship instructor, or teacher. It's about my MISSION STATEMENT. Well, I didn't immediately realize it was a mission statement. What dawned on me, as I wrote down the short list of things to "be", was the driving force behind them. Then I began to understand that as long as it is in perfect alignment with what turns out to be my mission statement, it doesn't matter "how" I execute it.

The Short List:
Editor (music or words, because I love tweaking things)
Author/Writer
Composer (music)
Parelli Natural Horsemanship Instructor
College Prof w/a PhD (if teaching something I'm really passionate about)

My Mission Statement:

To engage people's minds, encourage them towards positive change, teach them to think alternatively and progressively, and inspire them to grow. To entertain them a bit along the way. To be a benefactor, a financial conduit to assist others in achieving their purpose along this common path.

So. WHY did I hate my former prepress/production job so much? Or graphic design? Because the clientele as well as the work was out of alignment with this MS. Advertising yet another worthless product created solely for the purpose of making the advertiser rich—misaligned. Especially if that product is harmful to the environment or something. Super especially if the advertising is spin doctoring designed to detract from this. In addition, working for bosses who were more interested in cutting production costs but overcharging their clients so as to line their own pockets but were stingy with the faithful employees doing all the work... way out of alignment. The reason my gut clenches when I look at want ads? I'm expecting to find more situations like this OR I am picking up vibes of companies that are out of alignment.

So what do I need to focus on attracting to me? Work that is in alignment with my mission statement. I realized that I could do graphic design for a period of time IF I was doing it for a company that was totally in alignment with my MS. Suddenly the concept of working is no longer accompanied by a strong feeling of nauseating dread.

What I wanna know is, why did it take me so long to figure this out?

The interesting thing is, as you look at my Short List, except for Editor, all of them could be used to fulfill my MS. (I guess an Editor could be editing publications or music for a company that is within alignment—perhaps editing/proofing self-help LoA books or music for meditation/affirmation CDs.) The Parelli program is all about growth, positive progressive thought, and entertaining while teaching. Engaging the minds of people as well as horses to promote positive change. (No wonder.) Music moves people, lyrics contain messages. Writing, well, duh. Non-fiction, of course. Thoughts, not novels. College Prof? Pretty much does that as long as the prof is passionate about their subject and committed to it. I suppose graphic design could be used as this forum as well, if it's more socially oriented rather than as advertising, though it's not my top choice.

The reason I wanted to be a rock musician in the first place was to reach people through the lyrics and music, young impressionable people, and teach them this stuff. Success came easily to me when that, my Mission Statement, was my goal. The minute it became less about that and more about BEING a rock star, fame fortune lifestyle, the harder it got.

Big stuff, eh?

So. Why do you do what you do? Are you SURE it's your purpose? What do YOU really want?

You've got a ten-minute window with no consequences... GO.