Word of the Year

Caroline over at The Zen In You pointed me toward Christine Kane's blog. Christine came up with a concept that Caroline and many others have embraced: choose ONE WORD to empower you throughout 2009.

The idea is that by choosing one word, rather than creating a list of resolutions to keep, you will be directed more clearly toward achieving that goal.

I examined the list of possible words as suggested by Christine. Many felt acceptable, but none were hitting the mark. I mulled it over for a bit and asked myself: "What is it that I most need in my life this year?"

The answer came. So simple, of course. Here is my word for 2009:

IMPROVEMENT

For this is what is needed in all aspects of my life. What's yours?

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays...

Want, or Allow?

There is an excellent post over at Attraction Mind Map about Intentions. The process of setting a good intention is outlined well, with entertaining anecdotes to illustrate concepts.

On rare occasions, I find a gem within the comments, and this was no exception. Christopher, who did not link to a URL, pointed out the importance of using the right words:

For myself, I prefer to use the terms “I allow” rather than “I want”, as “I want” typically implies “I lack”. For example, “I want more money” implies “I don’t have enough money”. The focus is on lack. Instead, I might ask myself: could I let go of “wanting” [this or that] and just allow myself to have it?

I have been aware for some time now that words like "want", "need", "desire" and "wish for" imply lack. While "I am/have/do" is the most powerful affirmation there is, anyone who has been playing with this for awhile knows that sometimes the brain/Ego refuses to agree and puts up resistance ("No, you're not" or "Yeah, but").

In those instances, I'd use "I prefer" instead, which seemed to cause the Ego to relent.

However, I think I like Christopher's suggestion better: "I allow". Here's why.

When I say "I prefer" something, it's indicating I'd rather have it my way. But it's almost like I'm asking for permission to receive it—like the Universe asks me "Which would you like?" and I say "I prefer this..." and the Universe says, "That's nice, but you're getting that instead."

"I allow", on the other hand, reverses the roles. In order for me to allow something, I must have some control over its allowance. It's more like the Universe is asking me which one to provide, and I say, "I allow this, thank you". No questions asked.

I'll switch to this for now and let you know how it goes. Thanks, Christopher, for the suggestion, and thank you to Attraction Mind Map for leading me there.

PS: We sold Lot #3 in October. All that remains is to sell the house in the estate and my own personal house, and we can finally close the estate and I can move on.

Post-Election Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: Please understand that while I respect, admire and am inspired by Barack Obama, I do not in any way worship him or idolize him or put him above God and Jesus. If it comes off as such, it is simply because I am utterly amazed that for the first time in 2000-some years, one man has come along who has been able to do the impossible—shift the attitude of an entire world. He's not the Second Coming, as far as I know—but should we be surprised that he is being idolized by some? Jesus himself said "Far greater works than mine shall you do". I'd like to think Jesus would be pleased by this, not offended. That said, let's go.

Despite the overall excitement being felt worldwide about our recent Presidential election, there remains a surprising amount of vitriol from the dissenters. I find it appalling that the "losing" side can be so vehemently opposed to the choice that was made, and feel that they are merely reacting without thinking; focusing on issues and the "sky-is-falling" supposedly horrendous and painful changes that Obama's administration may foist upon them.

IMHO, they are missing the point.

It isn't about who is in the White House, or what color s/he may be. It isn't even about the policies they bring in with them.

Yes, Barack Obama has a laundry list of policies and changes he's proposed. But they are proposals only at this stage. Nothing is set in stone yet. Until it is, it can always be changed if it is discovered that it isn't working as is. Meaning, let's not freak out about high taxes when high taxes haven't been approved yet.

Obama still has to get past the House of Representatives, the Senate, and whomever else is in the chain of decision-making. These are just the philosophies and ideas that Obama presented to introduce who he is and what he stands for, so that we would be able to decide in which direction we might want to go as a nation.

The most important point, the one we all seem to be overlooking, isn't what he's proposing or who he is—it is the profound attitude shift that HE inspired in not just the American public, but throughout the entire world—AND that he inspired it to occur collectively in our minds at exactly the same moment!

Never mind his policy!

Those of us who are familiar with the Law of Attraction understand how profound it is that this has occurred.

Practitioners of the LOA such as myself, as well as many charismatic preachers and prayer groups around the world, are fully aware that circumstances are an illusion and that we as individuals are 100% responsible for attracting to us the circumstances we are experiencing. The situations are what they are—it is our reaction to them that decides whether they are "good" or "bad".

We are also fully aware that change WILL occur regardless of and in spite of what we do or don't do about it. Good AND bad.

In addition, we understand that the type of change that manifests is wholly dependent upon three things:

• our attitude about it
• our thoughts about it
• the energy we put into it as we think it

When a person is trying to manifest a positive change, it does her no good to dwell on what appear to be unpleasant circumstances; to wallow in negative thinking; to speak it into being; or to get upset about it. To make the change, she must change her thoughts first, then her attitude. Then when she envisions her changed world, she must do so with an uplifted, positive energy.

She has to think and shout, "Yes I Can!"

It works. It's been proven through time immemorial. It even says it works in the Bible. "As a man thinketh, so shall he be." When you "think" happy, you'll be happy, even if circumstances appear to be otherwise. Because you're emitting "happy", you'll attract back more "happy", and eventually the circumstances will have no choice BUT to change and comply with your vibration.

What you focus on, expands.

What you put out, you receive back or attract.

If you focus on negative situations and put out negative energy, you get back more of the same.

If you focus on positive situations and put out positive energy, you get back more of the same.

This is why things can go from good to bad or bad to worse, or bad to not so bad to good to great.

It's all about the 'Tude.

It's all about having a "Yes I Can" energy about you.

Because we LOAers understand this, we accept 100% responsibility for what we experience in our own lives... and must, as a world, accept 100% collective responsibility for what we, as a world, experience. Yes, WE created the high gas prices. WE created the economic crisis. Not by our physical actions so much, but by our thoughts.

I avoid complaining whenever possible, because when I complain, I must first think the thought, then I must speak it, then I add in the emotions surrounding it (attitude/energy). Then, if I'm whining to a friend, they add their emotions, energies and thoughts into the mix. Whammo. Instant manifestation. You shouldn't be surprised when, shortly after pitching a bitch about whatever is bothering you, another similar experience comes around again. Why me? Why does this always happen to me?

I'll tell you why and yes, it's redundant but bears repeating. What you focus on, expands. What you put out, you receive back or attract. It's all about the Tude. It's all about having a "Yes I Can" energy about you.

If you want to complain, complain about the annoying amount of blessings you've been receiving. Focus on POSITIVE changes.

Why am I saying this? Think about it! If ONE PERSON can make dramatic changes in their life simply by shifting their energies, thoughts and attitudes to a "Yes I Can" frame of mind...

...what do you suppose a group of 10 people, such as a Prayer Chain, can do with the same energies, thoughts and attitude going out at the same time?

...what do you suppose a group of 100 people, or 1,000, or 10,000, can do with the same energies, thoughts and attitude going out at the same time?

...what do you suppose can happen when 52.4% of a nation the size of America—that is more than half of us, people—can do, if the energies, thoughts and attitude of each one of those 63.7 million people are attuned to the VERY SAME VISION of relief, happiness, better jobs, improved economy, and positive change?

What if they're all attuned to that thought AT THE VERY SAME MOMENT?

Now add in the majority of the WORLD who was watching this election. Add THEIR energies of positivity, peace on earth, change for the better.

Obama has done what nobody has yet been able to do. He has managed to COLLECTIVELY inspire nearly the entire world with visions of better days, to infuse us with hope, and to raise our collective vibration to a higher level. (Sure, a large percent of ya feel otherwise, but, friends, majority rules. Those who choose to remain wallowing in negativity and who'd rather complain than do anything about it? That's fine. But know that 52.4% trumps 46.3%, so... looks like you'd all just better get ready for positive change!)

Before the election took place, we were in a collective funk. We were bemoaning the state of our economy, predicting dire future events, panicking about our 401Ks. We were criticizing the current administration and wallowing in a stagnant sea of negative energy.

Then we made our choice, and everything shifted.

This entire world has had a positive energy hyper infusion! At the moment Obama's election was announced on Tuesday night, the vast majority—MAJORITY—of the world rejoiced! There was dancing in the streets, fireworks were being shot off, people were crying happy tears, they were dancing and singing and holding in their minds visions of the wonderful future ahead of us and they were doing so with an enormous amount of positive energy. They were stomping and shouting joyfully,

YES! WE! CAN! YES! WE! CAN! YES! WE! CAN! YES! WE! CAN!

If one can manifest positive change in their own little life by doing this, what can a world majority do?

Hold onto your hats, people, because I'm happy to say, we are about to find out. :-D

What Happens When You Give Away Money?

That's what David, aka the "Bald Guy in a Blue House", intends to find out.

Bald Guy In A Blue House has created the world's first-ever free lottery, based on the Law of Attraction. It's called the Lawterry of Attraction Contest.

After viewing the Secret and learning to use the LOA, Bald Guy has been inspired to try an LOA experiment to see what happens when "a bald guy in a blue house gives away money".

Bald Guy (David) intends to give away a million dollars, $50 at a time, once per week.

No strings attached.

He'll be doing this for five years or until a million has been given away, whichever comes first. It is based on the principle that all abundance comes through us, rather than to or because of us.

The contest is open to anyone in the world. Doesn't matter if you're in Kenya or Antarctica, if you have computer access and an email address and a first name, you are eligible.

To enter, visit

http://www.iwannagivenow.com/

or just click on this link to go straight to the contest. Be sure to visit his blog as well,

http://www.blog.baldguyinabluehouse.com/

One caveat: when entering, if you have an email address such as blank.blank.com, you may get an error message telling you your email is invalid. I was able to sign up using a Yahoo address. GMail will also work.

Closer

I realized something in a flash today.

The outcomes I've been waiting to manifest are on their way. But I haven't seen it like that.

The estate closing, the house sales, my future—it's all been this ephemeral, foggy "out there someday" kind of vision. The outcomes have had no solidity, no depth or tangibility to them.

This kind of focus, or lack thereof, is what has held them at bay. My thought process, which was that I was standing here in one spot waiting for things to come TO me, is the culprit.

It's akin to waiting at the bus stop for a bus you aren't certain is ever going to come. You don't know the schedule or if the bus even runs past here anymore. You wait, you watch, you check the time... you wonder if you should leave... afraid to leave because you KNOW the bus will arrive the minute you do...

And so you stand still and wait, visualizing everything as "out there", swirling around you, never making contact.

The realization that snapped me out of it was this:

One day, the estate has to close. It cannot stay open forever. One day, the house will sell. Houses can be on the market for a long time but not for all eternity. EVENTUALLY, things must change. The day will arrive when all of this happens.

But I'm not standing motionless in time. Time is moving. Time is carrying me forward. Every moment that I am alive, I am moving toward the day when the estate closes, toward the day when the houses sell, toward my next birthday/Christmas/next Spring...

I am in progress. I am ON MY WAY TO IT.

I might not be able to "see" it yet in my mind, but I am on my way TO it. Whatever "it" represents.

WITH EVERY MOMENT THAT PASSES, I AM ONE MOMENT CLOSER TO MY OUTCOME.

That concept knocked me right over.

Now I see myself as walking along, firmly on the path to my outcome. I'm on a road. Maybe it's out in the country where signs are few and far between. But I'm on the road. I'm pointed in the right direction. With every step I am one step closer. Pretty soon, I'll see a tiny green rectangle hovering above the horizon. As I get closer, I'll see that it is a roadsign. The closer I get, the more visible the words:

"Outcome, 60 miles ahead"

I'll keep walking, or maybe I'll start jogging. Then more signposts, telling me Outcome is 30 miles, 20, 10, 5. The skyline of Outcome will emerge into view. And then...

Here I am.

I've arrived. I'm at Outcome. I'm IN Outcome. And all is well.

I'm not standing still waiting for it to come TO me. I am on my way, getting there, going to IT, and every moment brings me one step closer to being there.

The Shift

Do you want to be on the leading edge of manifesting the greatest social transformation in human history?

Then click on this link right now and watch this six-minute trailer for The Shift Movie.

These are just a few of the individuals appearing in this movie. Other notables such as Dr. Joe Vitale will also be appearing.

It is time to CHOOSE CHANGE.

More on Deciding

This morning I awoke with a further understanding about deciding. It relates back to one of my ongoing struggles, which has been panic related to finances. But first, a little backstory.

I did not used to panic when I thought about money. But then, growing up, there was always enough of it. My parents were upper-middle class suburbanites who'd survived the Great Depression. Dad was a University professor and taught grad school; Mom was a stay-at-home who pursued her passion for painting but it was strictly a hobby. On one salary from one full-time job with summers and holidays off and plenty of leisure time after work, he provided us with a lovely home in a safe neighborhood.

At one time there were three cars in the driveway—modest, but always bought new—except for his "utility vehicle" for doing our household fix-up projects (used; something to take to the hardware store). We took nice family vacations such as renting a cabin for a week at a state park. He had a 14' sailboat he enjoyed immensely. We never went hungry. They always paid the bills on time and had enough saved for rainy days so that when unexpected things arose, they were easily dealt with and the savings and investments were still largely intact.

And he almost always paid cash or by check (and they were always good). Credit cards were carefully guarded, for absolute emergency use only, and paid off immediately.

Dad had a knack.

Because of this, though, I grew up with the belief that it IS possible to survive quite comfortably on one good salary and that there is always more than enough money.

The past two years have been a shocker for me. My belief system has been thoroughly shaken up, my cage rattled. I've experienced what it's like to NOT have more than enough money, to look at the price of things and wonder how on Earth one salary could ever accommodate it, and I've felt genuine fear on more than one occasion.

However. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to CHANGE.

Now for the revelation. The fear I feel related to money is ALSO a decision.

My thought process subconsciously goes like this:

1. I once believed that money arrived in a continuous, dependable flow (even though it wasn't mine) and departed the same way.
2. I once believed that it was possible to balance in against out, and thus I (decided that I) always felt confident about the flow.
   
3. My parents died, I was liberated from the workforce, and I became temporarily dependent in the meantime upon partial distributions from the estate, from selling some of my unnecessary belongings, and from the occasional freelance job.
4. Due to #3, I've decided that money now comes in chunks over which I have little control (or... I've decided that I have little control over it. *ahem).
5. I've decided that chunks don't last long when spending is a continuous flow action.
6. I must've decided at some time that spending is a continuous flow action.
7. I decided to be terrified about all of this.

Remember, I didn't decide this CONSCIOUSLY.

This is my current belief structure related to money:

• Money comes in to me as random chunks at random times.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous flow.
• This is imbalanced and I choose to experience fear about it.

It occurred to me today that all I need to do is CHANGE the first and last sentence, instill the new belief structure, and all will be well:

• Money comes in to me as chunks AND as a continuous, dependable flow.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous, dependable flow.
• This is balanced in my favor, and I choose to experience confidence and security about it.

Oh, but HOW will I get a continuous inflow of money, you ask? Guess what? That is not up to me! That is the domain of the Universe, which knows all of the infinite possibilities that I, as a mere human, do not. As with everything else, once I decide, the Universe will align with my decision.

The most obvious Continuous Flow Financial source is a job. However, there are plenty of other methods of obtaining CFFs. Royalties, for example. If you write a song that becomes a classic hit and is still being played at weddings or on the radio 30 years later, and you have a good publishing deal, you have a source of CFF for the life of the song. Or how about investment interest? The chunk arrives, it is invested, and the interest compounds regularly. That is self-generating! I'm simply trying to open the mind to alternatives.

But if I wind up taking the obvious route and there is a new job in my future, the only other thing I need to focus on is making sure that I find a job that is in alignment with my Mission Statement and my life goals. No small feat, but... I've decided I can do that.

Deciding

There is a theme continuing in these entries. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to The Answer that will permanently and positively change my life. First, I thought it was about asking for things, like you're placing an order with God/Universe/Source (let's just call it God for simplicity's sake). Then I thought it was about what we focus on.

Then it came to me in the last post that we decide. It's not up to anyone else what we become—no one else can stop us or make it work—each of us is solely responsible for making life work out. Everyone, including God, just subconsciously "agrees" with what we've already decided is true for ourselves, and "becomes" an obstacle, a hindrance or a helper to us.

This morning, the concept of deciding expanded further.

I have been trying in vain to turn myself into a morning person because I feel I'll be more productive, and with the waning daylight and the fall heat, morning seems like a great time to play with my horses. It would also allow me to treat the horse thing more like a job.

For the 9,000th time, I failed to rise at 7:00 AM. Same old situation. To bed too late, tired, unexplained sore/stiff neck, bleaghhhhh... when my eyes finally did pry themselves opened, I asked God:

"Why it is so damned hard for me to manifest this stuff? Why can't I seem to get stuff to change?"

I got an answer.

Because you’ve DECIDED it is.

Well. That launched a conversation with God that I won’t go into blow-by-blow lest we be here all night, but I'll sum up the more pertinent points.

Not only do we decide who/what we want to be/do/have/experience.

We decide EVERYTHING. Every word out of our mouth is a decision we’ve made.

In addition I was told that Prayer = Deciding; Faith = Expecting Deliverance of the Decision (manifestation).

Here’s an example. I was complaining about the morning rising issue. I said:

But, I hate getting up in the morning. I’m not a morning person. If I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I went to bed too late. So... that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

I said, “How do I change THAT?”

The answer:

DECIDE to.

Very long debate with God about how I can’t just decide to change all that, it’s just who I am, yadda yadda... with His countering me at every turn.

He pointed out how I’d surprised myself with how much I’d enjoyed getting up before dawn for the PNH clinics, loved the morning light, the air, the way it smelled, the barn at first light, the fog, the crispness in the air... but always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying it.

I said, “Yeah, because it went against every belief I had about morning.”

God just smiled (it felt that way). Suddenly, I got it.

It went against every belief I had about morning!

Read my paragraph of whining again. Now, tell me. How many beliefs can you count?

YES! Every single one is a BELIEF. Rather... it’s what I DECIDED to believe about me and mornings. (I counted seven total.) That’s when it dawned on me (no pun intended) that when I greet someone and they say “how are you today” and I say “I’m OK, but I'm tired, I got up too early today”, I’m basically saying, “I have decided to feel tired today, and I’ve decided that I got up too early and that I don’t like it.” Then, of course, life lines up to present circumstances that underscore just how tired I am today and reminders of how early I got up.

I could have decided that I feel GREAT! I feel more alive than I have in years! But most of us don’t do that automatically. If I’ve decided that’s just how I am, that’s how I’ll BE.

Look at how differently it reads when I add I’ve decided to it:

But, I’ve decided that I hate getting up in the morning. I’ve decided that I’m not a morning person. I’ve decided that if I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I’ve decided that I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I’ve decided that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I’ve decided that I went to bed too late. So... I’ve decided that that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

Wow, huh? Certainly shifts MY perspective.

God said, if I just decide to enjoy rising at 7:00 AM and decide to enjoy going to bed by midnight, and decide to fall right into a sound, peaceful sleep, I WILL.

He also said that every other action/behavior and subsequent related belief will fall into place and align with it.

Decide the root belief, and the others line up.

God said:

This will feel a little strange at first—(Me: heh heh, or it will if I’ve decided that it will) because it’s new and unfamiliar. But if you decide that it feels just right, it will.

He said:

Watch what you say out loud, to others and to yourself, as well as what you think. If you can’t comfortably proclaim how great everything is because of how it might offend the people who are on perma-downers, then just respond neutrally but THINK it to yourself.

Say: “Oh, I’m good”

but think: “I’m fantastic!!!” (and try to surreptitiously lift their beliefs/decisions as well if you can)—

Me: or... HA HA HA decide to. (I love me...) I think I’m really beginning to get it. No. Wait. I’ve decided that I’m beginning to get it. HAHAHAHAHA I have to stop laughing at the absurdity of this but it’s so true! And we don’t even realize it! Or, we decide not to! AGH make it stop—

~~~

As the full force of understanding of this concept sunk in, I found myself laughing. It's so simple, yet so difficult! (Or, as I said, it is if we decide... let's not go there again. It's an endless loop. Or could be. If...)

My challenge for today is to try this exercise: Add the phrase I’ve decided that to everything thought and said throughout the day.

So if I’m thinking to myself and I slip and say “Gosh, I’m tired today”, I have to catch it and say “Wait—so I’ve decided that I’m tired today? NO WAY! I’ve decided that I am full of energy today and well-rested!”

or

"I gotta clean the kitchen" becomes "I've decided to clean the kitchen"

"I'll never lose weight" becomes "I've decided I'll never lose weight... no, wait! I've decided I'm in the process of thinning down!"

I challenge YOU to try this as well. Get some paper. Mentally divide it into thirds. Make two columns: the left is one third of the page and the right is two-thirds wide. In the right (wider) column, write down every complaint, every "this is just how I am" that you have.

• I hate vacuuming.
• God, my house is a mess.
• People are annoying and they cannot drive.
• This TV show sucks.
• It'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but he never does.
• I love cats and chocolate!
• My boyfriend irritates me, he thinks I'm daft.
• Crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• Don't drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• That woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

When your list is complete (and it will be—should be—far longer than this), add the words "I've decided that" to the front of every single line, in the left-hand column. Then read it out loud.

• I've decided that I hate vacuuming.
• I've decided that God, my house is a mess.
• I've decided that people are annoying and I've decided that they cannot drive.
• I've decided that this TV show sucks.
• I've decided that it'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but I've decided that he never does.
• I've decided that I love cats and chocolate!
• I've decided that my boyfriend irritates me, he's decided that he thinks I'm daft.
• I've decided that crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I've decided that I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• I've decided that if you drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• I've decided that that woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

Does it sound as absurd to you as it does to me? They are all just beliefs, not truths! :-)

You can't change the current circumstances because they are the product of past decisions (or... have I just decided that you can't?), but you CAN change what you decide to bring into your life from now on. The second part of the exercise would be to go back and turn the negatives into positive opposites.

So far, I've decided that I'm happy—not that I'm going to be happy, but that I am right now; I've decided some other things pertaining to the house sales; and I've done a LOT of EFT tapping on other issues, unearthing some core issues I wasn't aware I had.

Life, I've decided, is great.

Getting to the Core Issue

And I'm back.

Lately I've been experimenting with tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). The articles available at emofree.com are fantastic and I've found a couple that really targeted the issues I’ve needed to resolve/eliminate. There are many resources online to teach you how to tap the points if you’re interested. Tapping.com is a good one, and there are some on emofree as well.

While reading the articles I'd downloaded and tapping away, I came up with a startling realization or two.

Revelation #1

This came from a dream I had the other night. (I'm a Level Two student of Parelli Natural Horsemanship or PNH and I have two horses, so the dream was a bit based in reality.) My horse and I were at one of the Parelli Centers (but it looked like a futuristic movie set, beyond description, nothing like the real thing). My horse I were being instructed to perform the most bizarre tasks:

We had to go up a flight of huge, slick, wooden stairs (sort of like a mountain), then back down the other side.

Then we were on a plateau about one story up. I couldn’t figure out how to get down and move on to the next task and I was afraid if we jumped that far we’d die. The instructor said, "Hang on, I’ll get you down". He pushed a button—turned out we were on an elevator, and the remaining task had been to find the lever, get the horse to push it with his nose so the elevator lowered (while I was in the saddle!), then leave the platform, dismount, do Circling game transitions online, and that was it. If we had been able to do that, we would have passed (the class? a level of certification? it wasn't specified).

In the dream, all the other students knew the pattern already and what to do at each stop, but not me. I had to ask as we went. So I didn’t know HOW to do it, I winged it—at each stop, I’d say, what do I do? and they’d give minimal info like “go up the stairs and down the other side” but not say HOW it was supposed to be done. I didn’t have time to be scared until afterwards.

But since I didn’t pass, I had to do it again AFTER reading the pattern and finding out, “Oh. I don’t have to be riding him when we go up the stairs? Riding is upper level and I'm only required to lead him at this stage?” This shocked me because we were only at level whatever and we’d done an upper level task without realizing it. Not only did I have to redo the test, but I had to do it in the presence of Pat Parelli himself!

I was terrified, afraid I’d fail, suddenly afraid of the mountain we’d just crossed successfully without fear, and I was doing all sorts of dawdling/excuse-making to procrastinate.

Finally, I broke down and opened up to Pat about why I was procrastinating, and we had a heart-to-heart about it (I’ll spare you the play-by-play). At the end, he asked why I was so afraid to do this with him watching. He said he was only judging me by where I was at at the time, not whether I was suitable at this point to be an instructor someday in the future, and he was mostly interested in making sure his program was working by observing student progress in this level.

I said (in a very panicky whining sob), “Because you hold the key to my future. You decide whether I’ll be an instructor or not”.

Pat smiled gently and said “I’m not the one who decides if you’re a Parelli Instructor or not—YOU decide it.”

Of course, that was when I woke up. :-)

Well. Here's the big huge Revelation #1.

Nobody else decides our fate. WE decide. All anyone else ever does is go into agreement with what we have already decided—subconsciously.

Does that make sense?

NOBODY stops us. Nobody else gets in our way. There are no obstacles.

There is only that which we subconsciously and consciously desire, and the congruency or lack thereof between the two desires.

WE decide, subconsciously, what it is we truly desire to be, do, have, or experience. If, deep down/subconsciously, I really want to be/do/have/experience something, there is nothing I could say or do that will keep me from being/doing/having/experiencing it... because all of my conscious behaviors will align with my subconscious desires and I will automatically only say and do things that are also in alignment with my being/doing/having/experiencing that thing.

It also works in reverse. If subconsciously I don’t want to b/d/h/e something, no amount of conscious verbal intention-setting will change things because it will be out of alignment with my subconscious desires/beliefs, and it will automatically cause my conscious and subconscious behaviors to be out of alignment with it. I’ll do and/or say things that will sabotage it—then be mad at myself later for it (or, that was the pattern in the past, anyway!).

So say I go in for a job interview. I’m iffy about wanting the job. I go in and give my best presentation. I’m dressed right. I sell well. My portfolio is stellar. I say to the prospective boss with great enthusiasm and sincerity, because I truly believe consciously that I feel this, “Yes I really want to work for you!”

Meanwhile, my brain is saying: "but... I’d rather not. This job is boring. It’s a catalog of janitorial supplies, how fascinating is that? Please. I want to work on something interesting. But the money sounds pretty good, so I guess it will do for now.”

Do you think I get the job?

NO. Because the boss’ subconscious hears my subconscious, from body language, verbal expressions, and other stuff it’s nearly impossible to hide (unless you’re Meryl Streep), and he agrees subconsciously. His insides say, “You’d rather not. You want to work on something interesting. OK. I’ll set you free so you can go do that.” He says later when he calls, “We’ve hired someone else.”

But I really want this (no I don’t)! Really! I do (even though it’s bad for me)! It will be fine, I’ll learn to love it (no I won’t, I’ll hate it and resent ever trying)! I can do this (are you sure? I kinda doubt it)!

There are no mistakes.

There are no failures.

There are only conscious behaviors that are out of alignment with our subconscious truths.

The second part of this is that the Universe, the World, God, whatever, only ever says YES to us. It says yes to our TRUE (subconscious) desires. But sometimes the Universe's Yes sounds like NO or looks like an obstacle preventing us from doing/being/having/experiencing when it isn't an obstacle. The Universe doesn't say no to us. It says "yes" to the "no" we've already told ourselves.

Let that sink in a minute...

The trick is that sometimes we're telling ourselves "no" but we aren't sure why. Those are limiting beliefs. It’s faulty programming. It comes from parents, schools, the media, etcetera—what we’ve been consciously or subconsciously exposed to throughout our life has implanted messages that may or may not (usually are not) be true about us or what we desire.

They are insidious. They are input without our realization or conscious permission, and grow like patches of unwanted weeds amongst the flowered field of our desired desires. But they can be eliminated. We have to locate them and turn them around. We have to re-seed the subconscious with the desired desires, and make sure the subconscious and conscious desires align perfectly.

After that, the Universe still says YES, but it starts to sound like yes to us and the obstacles are turned into opportunities.

That was Revelation #1 this weekend: that only I decide what I am, and everyone else just agrees with my decision on a subconscious level.

Revelation #2 came after tapping on the Top Ten Money Issues and pretty much clearing them out. My brain was hypnotized all night with the thought “I have plenty of money right now and more is on the way”.

Following a decent but short night's sleep (only slept 5 hours), I woke up, had coffee. While I was looking over the article about tapping for a successful house sale, I was thinking about what else I needed to tap on.

For example, I have an underlying guilt issue about having horses in my current state of liberation from the workforce and financial circumstances because I was always taught from an early age that:

• horse ownership is the domain of the wealthy
  
• we can’t afford it (even though Dad more than adequately supported us on one salary)
  
• it’s all about fun and you’re only allowed to have fun after the “important” things are taken care of
  
• you can’t make money in horses
  
• horses will drain your income away
  
• clinics are extravagant
  
• the idea that I could ever become a Parelli Professional and make money at this is completely impossible and ridiculous

That’s why when the bank account dips low, I avoid the barn, and when it’s on the upswing, I spend more time out there "indulging myself".

Please note, for those of you who don't know much about me yet, I'm very serious about my PNH goals. My biggest conflict has been between pursuing my old, worn-out musical goals versus pursuing the newer horsemanship goals because people, I did not grow up on a farm around horses, I always wanted them and came to them in my 30s, and some find this incongruent with my having the dream of being a horse "trainer". However, the PNH method teaches how to understand horse psychology and behavior, and once you have that and can communicate with them (also taught), you can very likely "train" (we say "develop") horses to a high level (including championship performance/show level). My original dream was to be a horse trainer; but I was steered into music largely because my Mother had severe allergies—her worst trigger was... horses. 

I KNOW. Totally doesn’t make logical sense that I'd have such resistance to pursuing my goals whether lean or fat times. It’s those darned limiting beliefs!

So I was going to tap those away today when it suddenly hit me and danged if it isn’t based on a Parelli Principle:

It’s not about the ___________.

It’s not about the horses.

It’s not about the money.

It’s not about the home sales.

It’s about the POSSIBILITY of any of those happening.

I finally hit my core issue.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that anything at all is possible for me. If I don’t even believe that things are possible for ME, nothing WILL be.

My belief structure has been:

• nobody could possibly want the house in the estate, especially now that it’s burnt (except me)
• nobody could possibly want my personal home, because it’s only half-finished (except me), and I never felt completely safe there (which is true)
  
• nobody could possibly want to buy my other horse, a mare, because of her special needs (except me—she's insulin-resistant and sugar overload like from sweet feed causes temporary but severe lameness and she's on a strict sugar-free diet and health plan that some might find prohibitive)
  
• all the stuff I’m selling in the garage sale is my cast-offs, and nobody could possibly want this crap (except me)

You know when it really hit me? When I caught my brain in action. Last night, I set myself up to monitor my brain’s mumblings and turned up the volume on them. This is what I heard going on in the background as I was consciously focusing on some other thought:

“Let’s see... we have X in the account right now, we have about X to pay out in bills, clinic fees, transport, hotels, food, board, and probably that forbearance money on the personal home will be due since the house won’t be sold by then, so... since it’s not going to stretch that far, we have to start figuring out whose payments will be delayed, how to get out of some of them, what to dump, who to talk to first, maybe working off board, might have to just accept that we’ll lose the one house, it’s too bad we have to go to that clinic but it would cost more to cancel then to go, so...”

I was shocked. Rewind... replay... what?!?

My brain had already decided, without even consulting me, that we will be utterly broke in a month or close to it, and absolutely nothing will have changed by then! (among other things)

It doesn’t matter how erroneous this is or that there are all kinds of things I can do and am doing to head it off at the pass. The point is, my brain did not even consider or acknowledge the possibility that ANYTHING could change before then to make the scenario it’s presenting totally irrelevant. It has already decided that “this”, the current circumstances, is how things “are”, and will remain as such, and the estate will never close, the houses will never sell, I’ll never get another job, and so on.

It’s eliminated all possibility from my life and I do not know why. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN HAS BEEN SENDING OUT FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO!!! It has already planned for us to have no money come October. It's been doing this all year—putting me on a rollercoaster of panic followed by relief followed by panic, relief, rinse and repeat. What has manifested as a result has been nearly going broke (panic), then something comes through (relief), then back to almost broke, then back to relief. Over and over. I must've done something right because the last relief effort was 10 times the first couple of reliefs, but still.

My brain simply doesn’t pay any attention to my CONSCIOUS proclamations that:

• things can change in an instant
  
• things have changed in an instant, several times already, in both directions
• houses do sell in a rough economy
  
• some people are looking for remodeling projects rather than HGTV House Hunter/Curb Appeal perfection
  
• even if the mare wouldn’t be appropriate for a serious PNH student with high level goals such as me or as a performance horse, she’s perfectly suited to be an equine backyard babysitter, a first horse, a companion animal, maybe even a brood mare if her lameness isn’t hereditary
  
• a smart, capable person such as myself is quite readily employable in a variety of positions regardless of my background or the economic condition
  
• the estate is eventually going to close
  
•  people really DO win the lottery, maybe not the jackpot as much but every drawing at least 5 people get the five of five and win $250k so it IS possible

...and so on.

My brain waves it away, says “Yeah, yeah, whatever... OK so we have this much right now, and in a month or so depending on this or that, we’ll be broke again, so the first call we’ll make is...”

Unbelievable.

But this is good news. Because awareness of the problem is the first step to eliminating it. Now that I know the core issue, I can tap on THAT. I can work on eliminating THAT limiting belief and reframe it and implant a NEW, positive belief. I can change the brain! Muhwahahahaaaa!

No, really. I have it worked out.

First, I'll tap on this set up phrase: Even though I believe there are no possibilities for me, I completely love and accept myself.

Second, I'll tap on: Even though I am still believing, I now choose to release that there are no possibilities for me.

Lastly, I'll tap on this: I am now believing and radiating these truths:

• I am grateful that this is a Universe of limitless possibility and abundance
  
• I am grateful for all of God’s Blessings
  
• I am ready for and worthy of all good things coming to me now
  
• I now choose to experience limitless possibility in all areas of my life
  

I will let you know how it goes.

Life and...

If you found out you had a terminal illness and had only a short time left to live, how would your life change? What things would you eliminate from your life, and what things would you focus on?

No, I'm fine. No worries there. But the concept was floating around in my mind this morning, so I played with it a bit. Here's what I discovered—my life as I'm currently living it is out of alignment with how I'd live it if I found out I only had one or two years to live.

If my time were short, this is what I would do:

• finish my music (finish writing, recording and producing my songs, make a CD or two)
• get right with God and seriously focus on my spirituality so I'd feel confident about where I'm going in the next stage
• spend a lot of time enjoying my friends and family, human and otherwise
• ride my horse frequently on the trails, play with him, progress in our horsemanship as far as we can take it but without worrying about passing Levels (if we do, we do; if we don't, no biggie)
• make sure all the preparations are in order so I'll be ushered into the next life the way I want to be (sweat pants, Steve Perry t-shirt, socks and slippers, and no underwear because I refuse to have wedgies or wear underwire for all eternity) and to make sure that people get what I want them to have

And that's really about it.

My dreams of world travel seem unimportant, because what is the point of making memories to last a lifetime if my lifetime isn't going to last? Unless they were trips taken with the ones I'm leaving behind, so they can remember for both of us. But suddenly, other than visiting the Holy Land (for obvious reasons) and traveling to be with friends and family, seeing the Taj Mahal, Australia, and Morocco have lost their importance. So have things like weight loss, becoming a rock star (fame/fortune), making lots of money, being perfectly organized, sorting all the chaos, etc.

It's a rather interesting perspective.

Good thing I'm not suffering from a terminal illness, isn't it? Whew!

Oh.

But wait.

LIFE is terminal.

Forgot that, didn't you?

Doesn't matter if you have a better idea of the possible expiration date stamped on your body or not—we are ALL terminal. Some are, unfortunately, more aware of it than others (and I'm sensitive to that, having lost my Mother to a very aggressive cancer).

So why are we living as if THIS is eternity? I have news for you—it's not. This is merely a blip on the eternal radar. Any one of us reading—or writing—this could be called away at any time, with or without warning.

Doesn't it make more sense to do as Tim McGraw says in his song, and "Live Like You Were Dying?"

Well, what are you waiting for?

Judgement Calls

A wise man once instructed that when one is teaching horses a new concept, they will often have a sort of break down right before they have a break through. They can become frustrated, panicky and otherwise unmanageable for a brief period—then suddenly, they change, and they "get it".

Refer to my previous post for the break down portion of my own understanding.

The situation has evened out. I nearly wrote that it had gotten "better"—but in light of what I just read and am currently marinating in from Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, the word "better" is not necessarily applicable.

Tolle relates on page 196 the story of a man who experienced events that we would term as fortunate and unfortunate, but the man's response was always "maybe". Such as "Wow, you won a car in the lottery, isn't that great?"

"Maybe..."

Then he got hit by a drunk driver and wound up in the hospital—terrible, isn't it?

"Maybe..."

Or maybe not, given what happened next in the story (while in hospital, his house was destroyed in a landslide that would have killed him had he been home).

Then Tolle relates the story about Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti who said his secret is "I don't mind what happens."

We would read that as "I don't care", indicating a lack of interest in a callous way. But now, I read it as not minding—not mentally judging what happens, rather, accepting what IS as it is without judgement. It is being in alignment internally with whatever happens. As Tolle points out, this does not mean we can't take action toward manifesting change; rather,

When the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself.

(Tolle, A New Earth, p. 199)

Too often, we judge situations as good or bad. We speak often of "blessings in disguise"—is that what they are? Or is it that we misjudged the situation as bad, but after witnessing how it connected to later events that had a more beneficial (again, judging) outcome, we see the benefit of the supposedly "bad" situation?

Is a blessing in disguise merely a misjudged situation?

So the estate has been open a year and a half longer than it "should" have. Bad?

Maybe...

And the house caught fire. Terrible! Right?

Maybe...

Maybe not.

Look at gas prices. The world protests, people are upset at how high they have gotten. It's just awful how expensive it has become to drive a car, hasn't it?

Or has it?

One report says that the percentage of traffic accidents has dropped.

People are becoming, out of necessity, more environmentally aware. They are trading in the SUVs for smaller cars; manufacturers are putting more effort into developing automobiles that can run on alternative energy sources that won't deplete our natural resources or harm the environment.

We are staying home with our families, playing in the back yard, as opposed to flying the kids to a theme park for detached entertainment.

We carpool more or even better, we take public transportation or bike/walk to work.

We are rethinking our priorities.

Not to misjudge the situation, but... doesn't this seem like a positive thing? Perhaps this is the Universe's way of balancing out the imbalances.

Excuses to Run

Tom Volkar had an interesting post today on excuses.

I'm with him on this.

But for me, I was overtaken earlier with the most uncomfortable feeling—I call it the Crawlies. It's a restlessness that can only be described as wanting to rip my skin off and run like hell, far, far away. I've traced it back to feeling extreme pressure from the obligations imposed upon me.

So I went and sat outside in the sunshine for a good hour. (OK, five minutes in the sun, the rest in the shade because I was starting to smoke. Kidding. Kind of.)

I feel calmer now. But still somewhat restless. There are so many obligations. Too many. I have become consumed by them. The past 2.8 years of my life have been about these obligations—the decline and deaths of my parents, the estate settlement, the real estate (three houses: Grandma's which is being sold from the estate, my personal home which is being sold because I no longer live in it, and the parental home that is mortgage-free that I now live in though the deed has yet to be transferred), the "stuff"(parental leavings and my own material chaos), the finances, now the fire at Grandma's and the insurance issues and investigation, the legal issues with regard to the estate...

The endless worry, the hours spent in offices waiting, waiting, waiting... it began with hours in doctor's offices then hours in emergency rooms, then hours in the nursing home, then hours in the lawyer's and the insurance company and the bank... hours of contracts, of negotiations, of arguments with no resolution in sight, and on it has gone from December 2005 to today. At the end of the day I find myself exhausted from the stress that has become my self-definition.

My life, my truth, what defines ME, has become swallowed up by these things, and they are NOT my obligations. They were inherited by me. They were thrust upon me without my permission, and they are obligations that must be seen through to the end, which was supposed to have happened by all accounts months ago and seems to drag into eternity, winding down in increments.

I cannot walk away.

Or...

...can I?

I wonder... what would be the worst thing to happen if I did?

If I said to my sister, I have been the active go-to gal for all of the estate-related stuff for 2.8 years—you've been the passive one whose duties include nothing but speaking vetos and stalling and resisting and co-signing checks and demanding equal distribution without coming up with a logical way to make that happen and reminding me constantly of what other estate issue I need to figure out how to solve next, then after handing me the enormous checklist of stuff you've "delegated" to me due to proximity, as an afterthought making the laughable suggestion that it's time for me to look for a job (as if there's time for both—honey, don't you realize, this IS my job?)—

Well, dear sister, how about YOU take over the active role from here on out?

What would you say? I would say, You wanted equality, HERE, you do it for the next 2.8 years and we'll be equal... but what would YOU say?

Would you say, Oh, no, you're doing such a great job, you keep doing it? Would you say, Oh, I can't possibly, because I have a job and therefore am exempt but you, you're still unemployed, you have all the free time necessary to do it? (as if my dreams and desires have no importance at all) Or would you say, Sure, glad to, please go live your own life for a change, you have gone above and beyond and it's my turn now?

Would you be surprised, if you did take over these duties, to discover that there is now no time in your day to devote to your vitally-important day job, that every waking hour manages to be devoured by little errands that shouldn't, in theory, take more than a few minutes but always wind up occupying considerably longer chunks of your day than you ever thought possible?

I mean, how long does it take to close three accounts and transfer the funds into an estate account? Ten minutes, right?

Try an HOUR. One whole hour of my precious life yesterday spent sitting alone in a banker's office while they hunt down signature cards, make calls to corporate to remove the dormancy status, to fill out paperwork... and that's just ONE of the many "little errands" that I'm saddled with as the active executress of this estate. There are dozens of them, and once complete, another dozen crop up to take their place.

But I'm unemployed, so I have nothing better to do with my time, right?

And would you be surprised, dear sister, and just how long it actually takes to sort through, all by yourself, 60 years' worth of accumulated STUFF that has to be distributed and set aside because SOME people might want some of it but they can't come look at it right now because of their all-important jobs and families so just set it somewhere until it's convenient? Would you be surprised at the sheer volume of boxes it can occupy? Would you be surprised by the discontent you feel at being surrounded for months by box upon box of stuff? Never mind sorting your OWN accumulations.

This is what happens when a person with a fairly saturated three-bedroom, one basement, one garage home has to move it all overnight (because of the terminal diagnosis and caretaking needs of another following the death of the spouse) into another three-bedroom, no basement, no garage home that is already saturated with the detritus of TWO people who have lived for more than 80 years each and have kept everything they've acquired along the way in no particular state of logical organization so that whomever winds up with it has to sort through and separate each piece of junk mingled in with the "important" stuff.

Yes, I realize I've succumbed to trading good grammatical sentence structure in favor of a string of horrible run-on sentences, but this is what happens during a stream-of-consciousness rant. Get over it.

What would happen if I just said NO MORE to all of this?

What would happen if I just started chucking stuff, packed up the stuff in the house that's important to ME and only me, and moved to my target city, just all of a sudden? No warning, no explanation? Took a job, dropped this nonsense like a hot potato? Left the detritus behind for someone else to deal with? Pursued my dreams and forgot all about real estate? Allowed my personal house to fall victim to foreclosure if it didn't sell quickly enough to allow me to recoup my costs? Prioritized the activities that lead to MY dreams, MY life, MY happiness? Just let someone else take over?

What's the worst that could happen if I let go of all of this and ran?

Would the world come to an end?

No.

Would nobody else be able to figure this out?

No. Others are just as capable of asking questions and ferreting out information as I am. It helps that I'm in the same city as the estate lawyer, but the estate house that's being sold is 200 miles south of here. The other house I'm selling is 30 miles north of here. I've been handling most of my business long distance, anyway. Certainly someone who is 300 miles from both places (the sister) could handle it just as readily. Certainly if I were 500 miles away in my new home, I could still manage to sell my old house.

What is the worst that could happen? Is my proximity to all of this really THAT necessary? Is it necessary for me to sacrifice my well-being and happiness to fulfill these unwanted obligations?

Maybe it fell to me because my abilities are more geared towards such stuff. Maybe it would fall to ruin if my sister tried to do it. (I have evidence that her abilities are better suited to other things.) But certainly situations such as this have been handled by less-qualified individuals before...

Or perhaps I could still perform my duties at the lowest level possible, despite having relocated?

The downside would be, I'd have a third empty property to worry about, AND I'd have the addition of my new residence elsewhere. I'd be adding a property even if it is a rental unit. I'm already overwhelmed trying to keep up with paying the insurance on three houses, the property taxes on two (though some of it comes from the estate), the utilities on three (basic necessities must be intact like electric/water when selling, plus my personal utilties), and so on. And that's without a job. Living on dwindling savings, waiting for the properties to sell so the estate can wrap up so I can be blessed with the financial windfall that's been earmarked for me for years now and so I can finally be free to get a career going again and be self-sufficient, rebuild my reserves.

My rainy day fund? It rained so hard these past two years that now I'm down to the last drops and there's a drought ahead. It absolutely must improve soon. Every time I try to focus on activities and actions toward my career goals or even a basic job hunt, that damned estate pops up and distracts me and yet another crisis demands my attention until the day is gone.

I need a nap all of a sudden. Maybe running isn't the solution. But... no matter how much I've visualized, set intentions, or prayed, it seems to be taking forever. What I really need to have happen is the elimination of two of the three properties. I don't need to add a fourth, I need to be relieved of two of the three! BE GONE! BE SOLD! Free me!!! LET ME GO!

Then I'll be free to run.

Tithes

Tithing.

Some have issues with the concept. I'll admit I did at first. When I'd see a televangelist declaring that it says in the Bible to plant your seed against your need, make sure it's 10% of your income, and be sure to send it to our ministry, I took offense. I saw it as a blatant begging for money.

It took a long time before the offensiveness wore off and I began to see that tithing is not just a Biblical concept, nor is there any rule that says you MUST tithe 10% or give it to the church. Tithing is merely paying God first—or paying into the flow first, whichever you prefer.

Tithing activates the flow of money TO you. Yes, it sounds counter-intuitive when someone says "I was down to my last few dollars, rent was due, but I gave the money to the church..." You think, well now we know why they can't afford rent, right? Because they are wasting their money giving it to the church instead of to their landlord.

Then you hear the second part:

"...and the very next day, I received a check out of the blue for twice the rent amount!!!"

And the Hoo-Boy! mechanism activates within us. Hoo-Boy, is this for real?

Yes, my friends, it is for real.

The other day I was cleaning out some boxes. I came across a couple of long-forgotten no-expiration-date coupons for a free entree at a favorite restaurant. I called. They said "sure, we'll accept it". I made sure to be extra diligent with my Thank You's to the Lord for the free meal (or two, because the portion size feeds me twice). I was so excited.

On the drive home, I was suddenly inspired to tithe. But all I had on me was a pocketful of change. Remembering that in lean times, it's OK to tithe with a dime rather than a dollar, I opted for the dimes. It's not the AMOUNT that matters—it's the INTENTION. If you're really hard up, even a penny will do, because it's not the value of the coin... the coin is a container for your intentions and gratitude, and it is limited only by the size of your heart and mind.

I filled up that dime with thanks, praise and gratitude. Then I flung it from the car onto the sidewalk of a back street. But one wasn't enough. I filled up another dime and flung it. Then a nickel. Then I went home and ate the first half of my free meal.

About an hour later, I got a call. A woman was answering one of my ads. I currently have a LOT of stuff on Craigslist and posted around town as being for sale. This woman wanted the vacuum cleaner I had for sale. I sold it in the easiest transaction ever. She met me at the storage unit, I handed it to her, and she handed me the money, no questions, no nothing.

Yes, it was only 25 cents. And yes, the price for that vacuum wasn't very high. But it bought milk, eggs, and a few other necessities. It was a small tithe to me, but a big tithe to the Universe.

It works.

On The Verge: Enough, or Not?

A major limiting belief recently reared itself. Apparently, somewhere along the line I got it into my head that before I can allow myself to deserve to be successful, I must first lose everything.

It certainly explains what's been going on in my life these past few months.

Now, where does one acquire such a belief? Well, trace it to my youth. While I grew up in upper-middle-class surroundings and never knew what "true wanting" was, I took on this limiting belief from others. I was and still am set on being a successful commercial recording artist (read: rock star). I read everything I could get my hands on about musicians and their road to fame and glory, hoping to pick up tidbits and formulate a plan.

Unfortunately, I seem to have picked up the WRONG tidbits.

It's not just the musicians, it's everywhere. The hard luck story. The rags-to-riches saga. The tale of how tragedy struck and it looked like the world was caving in on them only to have a miracle occur at the 11:59 mark that saved them and turned their world upside down in a good way. The big break following utter tragedy. Case in point:

Kelly Clarkson—grew up poor. Shortly after moving to LA with her best friend, their apartment burnt down. The only thing that survived the fire were the clothes they were wearing at the time. Because of this Kelly was forced to move back home rather than pursue her dreams of being a singer. A couple of months later, she auditioned for the first season ofAmerican Idol and went on to become... well... Kelly Clarkson.

Joe Vitale—became homeless, lived in virtual poverty while dreaming of becoming the best-selling author and manifestation guru that he is today.

JD Fortune (won the INXS search for a lead singer)—formerly homeless, lived in his car with his dog under a bridge, had a drug issue... he had no money and this was his last shot at living when he competed on the TV show "Rock Star: INXS" in 2005 and won.

Rick Dutrow (trainer of 2008 Triple Crown contender Big Brown)—was living with the drug-addicted mother of his toddler daughter when the mother was murdered (in front of the child). He had no money, but he and his daughter moved into a 12x12 tack room at the racing stable where he worked. Now, of course, he's miles from there.

And of course, just about every musician you'll ever meet has a hard-luck-before-wild-success story to share. Except maybe my favorite guitarist, Steve Vai. He grew up in a nice neighborhood in Long Island. Took guitar lessons. Went to Berklee School of Music. Spent time in the school’s library transcribing Frank Zappa’s works by ear, then, on a lark, mailed transcriptions of Zappa’s guitar solos to him. Zappa arranged a meeting, and was so impressed with Steve's abilities that he hired him to transcribe his "seemingly endless array of experimental symphonic rock". That's a ballsy story about guts and audacity rather than luck, but it's more of a rarity to find this type of story than the other.

My brain put two and two together and decided:

Poverty and hard luck is the key to success.

Yeah. You read that right.

My nasty little brain has been attempting, quite effectively, to drag me down to the depths of despair, THINKING IT'S HELPING ME BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

Last night, this deeply buried limiting belief surfaced. I stared at it in disbelief. "But..." I cried, "I don't WANT to lose everything!!! Isn't it enough to be on the verge?"

The shock of this realization had me reeling, because there at the end was the exploitable truth.

I DON'T have to lose everything.

The important point was that I thought I needed a "story". Something to justify it to the masses when I finally get my big break and am commercially successful, something that points to my deservedness: Did she work hard enough? Did she truly suffer? OK, then she is deserving and we accept her success.

Yes, I realize those point to other LBs. But the point is finding my "story". My brain was trying to write my story for me according to what it had determined is the key to success. You must lose everything, you must fail, THEN you deserve to succeed and can do so.

But something else spoke to me in that moment. This voice sounded like the nudges of inspiration that always lead me to wondrous things. The voice said,

"Does anyone really pay that much attention to the background stories? To the details? Are semantics necessary? Do you... really have to go all the way... or is it enough to have been on the verge?"

CLICK.

Yes. It IS enough. As long as there is truth in my story, nobody will dispute it, nor are they likely to feel compelled to researching the details not covered. Background stories are two-second sound bites... and they are all spin-doctored, anyway. In fact, I'd bet half the hard luck stories are just that—stories. Spin-doctored out of a couple of facts to sound as dramatic as possible. Which is fine. Who really cares? If someone is talented, isn't that enough?

It's enough to say, "I had $500 left in my bank account, no job, and I was on the verge of losing my house and having all the utilities shut off when my big break came and..."

Because NOBODY will pay much attention to the phrase "on the verge of" and read into what it really means, especially if the emphasis is on the word "LOSING" when it's spoken. And it's doubtful anyone would look into it and find out that:

• Yes, MY account only had that much in it, but I was due to inherit a very large sum from my parents' estate in a short while so...
• Yes, my mortgage was late a couple times and I was requesting forebearance to save myself but it was at the beginning not the end and I had time to salvage it and...
• Yes, it was my house, but not the one I was living in at the time, it was the old one that was on the market anyway and...
• Yeah, they probably would have shut off my utilities if I didn't pay them.
• And I didn't have a job. Yet. Unless you count playing in a cover band (which surprisingly few people do count as a "real" job despite the fact that the money is the same color).

Semantics.

Yes, I've been ON THE VERGE. But I DO NOT HAVE TO actually GO all the way "there". I'm comfortable with where I've been. I have enough authenticity in my "story" that I feel I am NOW truly deserving of any and all success that is coming my way. (And it was quite silly to put myself through this kind of torture for nothing.)

Besides. Maybe the inheritance money cushion is God's intention for me, and IS my Big Break. Maybe it's there to allow me the space and time to give my full attention to my music career without being distracted by things like day jobs and mortgages. If so, then I've been allowing this ridiculous LB to encourage me to DENY it for me. I've been refusing God's Gift to me.

And that is just wrong on so many levels.

So today, I'm processing this and revamping my belief system accordingly. I've also had some major revelations regarding my music career and God and the devil, but we'll save that for another day.

Worry = Focus

Recently, I've been reading Maxwell Maltz' 1960s classic "Psycho-Cybernetics" (there is an updated version published in 2002) and came across a very important LOA concept:

What you focus on becomes the goal.

Makes sense, right? Let's explore it a bit further.

What you focus on—consciously or otherwise—becomes the goal.

Read that again.

Note the "consciously OR OTHERWISE" part.

I allowed this concept to float around in my brain for the better part of a week while I attended to mundane tasks such as vehicle shopping, attending the closing on Lot #2, and enduring a bout with bronchitis.

Because my parents died, I will soon be receiving an inheritance. In addition, I have a personal home on the market. Together, the proceeds form one big chunk of cash coming in and it gives me a pretty big financial boost. There is enough money to boost me firmly into whatever career I want to pursue and help me along the way up to get me to the point where I'll be able to "take it from there".

But that's IT. As far as I know in the "natural", that is, based on the physical known evidence in front of me, I have one chunk and that's it.

Of course, for all I know, I could be on the verge of a major lottery win. Or another unexpected chunk from somewhere. Plus I keep forgetting I really DID inherit a very sizeable amount, but because I chose to take the primary chunk of that in house rather than liquid cash, it doesn't feel like that much, and I'd have to sell the house to transfer it into cash.

Really, I am—on paper—quite well off, better than I think. I just keep forgetting that—probably because I'm not accustomed to BEING well-off (my parents were the ones who were well-off; all I did was benefit secondarily from their abundance). And I keep forgetting that this isn't the only money in the world I'll ever get. I'm not a vegetable. I can work. I can sell off stuff. I can make more money in the days to come.

But my brain keeps focusing on:

"Only one chunk and that's IT".
"Only one chance to boost yourself up and that's IT".

My brain seems to have an issue.

This manner of thinking leads to worrying that I might make the wrong choice. I've made wrong choices before. But I've always been able to get out of them, thanks largely to help from my now-dead parents, and I've always been able to take another chance.

But if I make the wrong choice NOW... that's IT. They're dead. My "rescuers" are gone. I have one chunk of cash to help me "make it". If I make the wrong choice, and halfway to "there" I realize it, I'm either going to have to keep going regardless (stuck) or if I find out the hard way because at the important crossroads of proving myself, I fail—then I fail, and I'm f***ed (rhymes with "stuck").

Make the wrong choice, and I'm stuck or f***ed.

Which leads to the realization that I've ALWAYS worried that I'll make the wrong choice (in careers, men, lifestyles, etc—we're talking major choices, not what's for dinner).

Boi-oi-oi-oinnnnngggggggg. Suddenly, I had an insight.

What is worry?

WORRY is SUBCONSCIOUS FOCUS.

Read that about 20 more times and let it sink in firmly like I had to. Because it didn't sink in when I realized initially that what we focus on consciously or OTHERWISE becomes the goal. Nope. It had to play out a bit further.

OTHERWISE = other than consciously, as in SUBconsciously or UNconsciously.

WORRY = consistent concerned focus on a negative outcome.

WORRY is SUBCONSCIOUS FOCUS on a NEGATIVE OUTCOME.

What we FOCUS on, consciously OR OTHERWISE, becomes the GOAL.

So... when we worry, we are subconsciously focusing on a negative outcome and that negative outcome becomes the goal. And our subconscious engages us in actions and behaviors to ensure that the goal is achieved!

The laughable thing is that I'm REALLY GOOD at manifesting stuff. Oh, there is plenty of evidence, plenty of proof of what I've "successfully" failed to do with my life, LOL! The trick is to learn to use my power for good, not evil.

When I worry, I am subconsciously allowing my brain to focus on something, and that thing unconsciously becomes my goal.

How scary is that?

So... what if I can't get into music school? I thought, when I was eighteen and applying to the College of Musical Arts. (I passed the auditions, the theory exams, and was practically a shoe-in, but I blew my entrance interview. Totally. So I studied art instead. Much, much later.)

What if I never get married?

What if I never find a guy to have children with? (or never get that baby lust desire to have a child?)

What if I never make it in music? What if I wind up one of those washed-up overweight former rockers who had to metaphorically cut off her hair and get a real job that I hate at 40?

What if my parents die before I get my manure together?

Just pull the "what if" part off, and there's the goal.

Can't get into music school. Never get married. Never have children. Never make it in music. Wind up a washed-up overweight former rocker who had to cut off her hair so to speak and get a real job I truly dislike at 40. Parents will die before I get my manure together.

Oy vey.

What if I make the wrong career choice and I wind up stuck or f***ed?

Make the wrong career choice and wind up stuck or f***ed.

Fascinating, isn't it? Objectively speaking, that is.

And there I am, unwittingly hurtling closer and closer to achieving a goal I wasn't even aware that I had.

The trick, I suppose, is to closely monitor what flitters through my subconscious, notice what it is specifically that I worry about, and then really work to revise it so that it works FOR me rather than AGAINST me. Such as:

Make the right career choice and wind up happy and successful.

I know that from this moment forward, I'm making the right career choice, the choice that brings me ever-increasing happiness and success.

Granted, it doesn't cover my previous or most recent choices necessarily. But that's OK. As long as I can forgive myself for any choices I made that weren't right, knowing now what I didn't know then, and move forward... and take comfort in the fact that despite their being the "wrong" choices, at least I was really successful in achieving the goals... I'll be OK.

I made a minor revision, then I output it in huge letters. It's taped to my bathroom mirror, it's printed on a business-card-sized slip for tucking in my wallet, and it's printed on a strip I taped to the bottom of my computer monitor:

I know… that from this moment forward, I'm making all the right choices. The choices that I'm now making bring me ever-increasing happiness and success.

(It could be revised even further to past tense: I've made all the right choices... your call.)

That ought to do it. :-)

Shooting Down Missiles

It is said that one cannot unthink a thought or unspeak a word. True, a word once spoken is out there. But is it really true that a thought cannot be unthought?

What has troubled me most about the LOA is the concept that thought energy manifests itself physically in time, and that the stuff I'm experiencing now is the result of thoughts I had un- or sub-consciously—or even consciously—long ago. Well, how the heck do I know what I might have thought myself into years ago? It's terrifying when you really consider the potential consequences.

It sent me to a miserable place for awhile, pondering what might be up ahead, all because I stupidly mis-thought something but had no idea what that mis-thought might have been. What have I done to myself? What horrors await me? I felt helpless. I've gone and done something to myself that I never intended to do and I have no way to stop it because I wasn't aware enough to know what I was doing at the time, so now all I can do is sit here and brace myself for the onslaught.

Does that make sense?

Well, maybe it doesn't have to be that way.

If the enemy shoots a missile into space, aiming at a target here on Earth, it doesn't mean we're done for. Because we can shoot a missile into space, aimed at the oncoming missile, to intercept it and destroy it before it hits.

Why couldn't we also do this with thought energy?

OK, so you made the mistake of sending out all sorts of negative financial energy. You're awaiting certain ruin. Why? Why not launch a missile of positive financial energy, and intercept the negative energy that is on its way back to you? Followers of Abraham (Esther and Jerry Hicks) call this a "rocket of desire".

Rather than sit back and wait for your own personal apocalypse, send up a rocket of desire. Shoot down the mis-fired thought missiles that are freefalling towards you and blast them full of positive opposite energy.

That's what I'm doing, anyway.

One thing I'm finding VERY useful in my progress is The Clearing Audio, produced by Dr. Joe Vitale ("The Attractor Factor", "Zero Limits", "The Key") and Pat O'Bryan ("Portable Empire"). It's about 20 minutes of soothing new-age music composed by Pat with binaural beats and your choice of a version that is music only, music with subliminal affirmations embedded below the conscious level, or audible affirmations read by Joe. You get all three for one low price. They just released an Advanced Clearing Audio with seven variations, but you must have been using the original Clearing Audio for 30 days straight before you're allowed to download it.

Well, I've been using it for about 10 days now and it is amazing. At first, I played it constantly while being online. Then I downloaded it to my cell phone. Every night, I go to bed and fall asleep to the following sequence:

Clearing Audio (audible affirmations)
Stin's Meditations*
Clearing Audio (subliminal affirmations)

I'm usually out halfway through the first Clearing Audio and wake up to silence. I sleep great. I have pleasant, educational dreams. I no longer experience the 3 AM panic attacks (where you wake up suddenly, panicking, not sure why, thoughts racing)—nope, all gone! I awake refreshed. I feel more confident. Motivated. And the surprising thing is, my storehouse of limiting beliefs is surfacing. This really does work!

I downloaded it March 29th. All my LBs related to the sale of my Grandma's house emerged. I analyzed and addressed them. On April 3rd, we got an offer on the house. It took a week. That's a bit longer than most people experience with this meditation between clearing beliefs and manifesting change, but I figure it's because I had some particularly big blocks to clear. Things ARE unblocking. This is amazing. I advise you to head over there and download it and see for yourself. Then you, too, can clear out your counter intentions and start sending out wondrous rockets of desire, and launch anti-counter-intention missiles into your personal universe.

*Stin Meditations: Stin is the host of My Thought Coach. She offers free podcasts of affirmations as well as deeper meditations available through a paid membership. Being the musically-adept person that I am, and having Cubase Studio 4 on my Mac, I imported my three favorite podcast MP3s into Cubase, put them in the order I wanted, and saved as a new MP3—for my own personal use only. That way I could drop it on my cell phone and play it all at once. (My three faves deal with financial abundance, health and weight control, and being happy.)

Emergency Manifestation Energy Request

The subject of inheritances has come up before as I am in the middle—no, toward the end—of settling my Mother's estate, which has resulted in sibling battles between me and my sister.

To assist with this, I went to Uni-Festation and requested good energy be sent toward a fast resolution to the estate. It worked—the date I had in mind was the date I received an email from the lawyer regarding this. However... I goofed. Because what he said and how I envisioned it are two entirely polar opposite things, and it's NOT good. It was, in fact, EXTREMELY upsetting to me.

Yes, I know, great opportunity to practice peace and to try to find the lesson in it and figure out why on earth I attracted it.

I believe I attracted it to myself because I focused on the wrong thing.

I focused on settling the estate, quickly and fairly. Truth be told, the latest proposal has validity as being A logical and fair method of settling. But it is not nearly ideal nor is it mutually beneficial.

There is only ONE solution that fits this. There is only ONE obstacle.

The two unsold lots.

My Mother's estate consists of a large sum of cash and two properties. One is my childhood home, the other was Grandma's house in another part of the state. The Will allowed me to choose to take either house as my primary residence. I chose my childhood home. That meant Grandma's house on 9 acres would be sold and the profits split accordingly. We'll just foregoe the discussions of the 10,000 ways to balance distribution that we've had, none of which my sister found agreeable for one reason or another.

Grandma's house didn't market well as one property due to two factors: zoning restrictions preventing more than one livestock on the property means it's not appealing to horse or cow people so it's just land; and the house itself was built in 1880 and needs serious TLC. So we subdivided. The land perc'd and was surveyed into three lots.

I put out a call for energy earlier this month on my hobby blog and within three days, Lot #2 sold. We're closing mid-April. But that's not enough to move my sister to settle amicably—she is still fighting to get an extraordinary amount of cash up front and "make me wait" (despite both of us needing the assistance the cash could bring) OR, as ludicrous as this sounds, allow her to take all the cash in the accounts and if I take any right now, it's considered a loan from her which I would pay back at 6% interest because this is the amount she's paying on the mortgage she can't pay down because she hasn't yet received her inheritance.

I'll pause for a moment to allow that to sink in.

Yes, the lawyer actually thought this sounded reasonable, to pay interest on my own inheritance. You can see why I was upset (understatement).

After working it out that I understand she must be in hell to have suggested the settlement she did (without condoning it), I came to the understanding that the only real obstacle here is NOT her unwillingness to settle "my" way or my unwillingness to allow her to railroad me. The real obstacle to our lives' progress is the two unsold lots.

So I'm shifting my focus. The estate CAN be settled without the lots being sold, but it will be awful. It would involve partial distribution of the cash (if we could ever agree on the split) and the estate would remain open until the other lots are sold.

However, with the two lots sold, the estate automatically settles without further need for discussion or negotiation. All the money is in one place, it's done, and we split and move on.

So this is what I'm asking of my manifestation friends. Let's all focus on news that Lots #1 and #3 have SOLD. Visualize my next post reading something like this:

OMG THANK YOU!!!!! The two remaining lots SOLD today!!! We got close to our asking price on both!!! We close in 30 days (or less)! Sister dropped all the nonsense because we're dividing ALL the money in a month or less! OMG IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!!

As always, thank you all in advance, and let me know over on Unifestation if you have any needs to which YOU need energy sent. Many blessings, have a spectacular weekend.