More on Deciding

This morning I awoke with a further understanding about deciding. It relates back to one of my ongoing struggles, which has been panic related to finances. But first, a little backstory.

I did not used to panic when I thought about money. But then, growing up, there was always enough of it. My parents were upper-middle class suburbanites who'd survived the Great Depression. Dad was a University professor and taught grad school; Mom was a stay-at-home who pursued her passion for painting but it was strictly a hobby. On one salary from one full-time job with summers and holidays off and plenty of leisure time after work, he provided us with a lovely home in a safe neighborhood.

At one time there were three cars in the driveway—modest, but always bought new—except for his "utility vehicle" for doing our household fix-up projects (used; something to take to the hardware store). We took nice family vacations such as renting a cabin for a week at a state park. He had a 14' sailboat he enjoyed immensely. We never went hungry. They always paid the bills on time and had enough saved for rainy days so that when unexpected things arose, they were easily dealt with and the savings and investments were still largely intact.

And he almost always paid cash or by check (and they were always good). Credit cards were carefully guarded, for absolute emergency use only, and paid off immediately.

Dad had a knack.

Because of this, though, I grew up with the belief that it IS possible to survive quite comfortably on one good salary and that there is always more than enough money.

The past two years have been a shocker for me. My belief system has been thoroughly shaken up, my cage rattled. I've experienced what it's like to NOT have more than enough money, to look at the price of things and wonder how on Earth one salary could ever accommodate it, and I've felt genuine fear on more than one occasion.

However. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to CHANGE.

Now for the revelation. The fear I feel related to money is ALSO a decision.

My thought process subconsciously goes like this:

1. I once believed that money arrived in a continuous, dependable flow (even though it wasn't mine) and departed the same way.
2. I once believed that it was possible to balance in against out, and thus I (decided that I) always felt confident about the flow.
   
3. My parents died, I was liberated from the workforce, and I became temporarily dependent in the meantime upon partial distributions from the estate, from selling some of my unnecessary belongings, and from the occasional freelance job.
4. Due to #3, I've decided that money now comes in chunks over which I have little control (or... I've decided that I have little control over it. *ahem).
5. I've decided that chunks don't last long when spending is a continuous flow action.
6. I must've decided at some time that spending is a continuous flow action.
7. I decided to be terrified about all of this.

Remember, I didn't decide this CONSCIOUSLY.

This is my current belief structure related to money:

• Money comes in to me as random chunks at random times.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous flow.
• This is imbalanced and I choose to experience fear about it.

It occurred to me today that all I need to do is CHANGE the first and last sentence, instill the new belief structure, and all will be well:

• Money comes in to me as chunks AND as a continuous, dependable flow.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous, dependable flow.
• This is balanced in my favor, and I choose to experience confidence and security about it.

Oh, but HOW will I get a continuous inflow of money, you ask? Guess what? That is not up to me! That is the domain of the Universe, which knows all of the infinite possibilities that I, as a mere human, do not. As with everything else, once I decide, the Universe will align with my decision.

The most obvious Continuous Flow Financial source is a job. However, there are plenty of other methods of obtaining CFFs. Royalties, for example. If you write a song that becomes a classic hit and is still being played at weddings or on the radio 30 years later, and you have a good publishing deal, you have a source of CFF for the life of the song. Or how about investment interest? The chunk arrives, it is invested, and the interest compounds regularly. That is self-generating! I'm simply trying to open the mind to alternatives.

But if I wind up taking the obvious route and there is a new job in my future, the only other thing I need to focus on is making sure that I find a job that is in alignment with my Mission Statement and my life goals. No small feat, but... I've decided I can do that.

Deciding

There is a theme continuing in these entries. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to The Answer that will permanently and positively change my life. First, I thought it was about asking for things, like you're placing an order with God/Universe/Source (let's just call it God for simplicity's sake). Then I thought it was about what we focus on.

Then it came to me in the last post that we decide. It's not up to anyone else what we become—no one else can stop us or make it work—each of us is solely responsible for making life work out. Everyone, including God, just subconsciously "agrees" with what we've already decided is true for ourselves, and "becomes" an obstacle, a hindrance or a helper to us.

This morning, the concept of deciding expanded further.

I have been trying in vain to turn myself into a morning person because I feel I'll be more productive, and with the waning daylight and the fall heat, morning seems like a great time to play with my horses. It would also allow me to treat the horse thing more like a job.

For the 9,000th time, I failed to rise at 7:00 AM. Same old situation. To bed too late, tired, unexplained sore/stiff neck, bleaghhhhh... when my eyes finally did pry themselves opened, I asked God:

"Why it is so damned hard for me to manifest this stuff? Why can't I seem to get stuff to change?"

I got an answer.

Because you’ve DECIDED it is.

Well. That launched a conversation with God that I won’t go into blow-by-blow lest we be here all night, but I'll sum up the more pertinent points.

Not only do we decide who/what we want to be/do/have/experience.

We decide EVERYTHING. Every word out of our mouth is a decision we’ve made.

In addition I was told that Prayer = Deciding; Faith = Expecting Deliverance of the Decision (manifestation).

Here’s an example. I was complaining about the morning rising issue. I said:

But, I hate getting up in the morning. I’m not a morning person. If I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I went to bed too late. So... that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

I said, “How do I change THAT?”

The answer:

DECIDE to.

Very long debate with God about how I can’t just decide to change all that, it’s just who I am, yadda yadda... with His countering me at every turn.

He pointed out how I’d surprised myself with how much I’d enjoyed getting up before dawn for the PNH clinics, loved the morning light, the air, the way it smelled, the barn at first light, the fog, the crispness in the air... but always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying it.

I said, “Yeah, because it went against every belief I had about morning.”

God just smiled (it felt that way). Suddenly, I got it.

It went against every belief I had about morning!

Read my paragraph of whining again. Now, tell me. How many beliefs can you count?

YES! Every single one is a BELIEF. Rather... it’s what I DECIDED to believe about me and mornings. (I counted seven total.) That’s when it dawned on me (no pun intended) that when I greet someone and they say “how are you today” and I say “I’m OK, but I'm tired, I got up too early today”, I’m basically saying, “I have decided to feel tired today, and I’ve decided that I got up too early and that I don’t like it.” Then, of course, life lines up to present circumstances that underscore just how tired I am today and reminders of how early I got up.

I could have decided that I feel GREAT! I feel more alive than I have in years! But most of us don’t do that automatically. If I’ve decided that’s just how I am, that’s how I’ll BE.

Look at how differently it reads when I add I’ve decided to it:

But, I’ve decided that I hate getting up in the morning. I’ve decided that I’m not a morning person. I’ve decided that if I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I’ve decided that I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I’ve decided that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I’ve decided that I went to bed too late. So... I’ve decided that that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

Wow, huh? Certainly shifts MY perspective.

God said, if I just decide to enjoy rising at 7:00 AM and decide to enjoy going to bed by midnight, and decide to fall right into a sound, peaceful sleep, I WILL.

He also said that every other action/behavior and subsequent related belief will fall into place and align with it.

Decide the root belief, and the others line up.

God said:

This will feel a little strange at first—(Me: heh heh, or it will if I’ve decided that it will) because it’s new and unfamiliar. But if you decide that it feels just right, it will.

He said:

Watch what you say out loud, to others and to yourself, as well as what you think. If you can’t comfortably proclaim how great everything is because of how it might offend the people who are on perma-downers, then just respond neutrally but THINK it to yourself.

Say: “Oh, I’m good”

but think: “I’m fantastic!!!” (and try to surreptitiously lift their beliefs/decisions as well if you can)—

Me: or... HA HA HA decide to. (I love me...) I think I’m really beginning to get it. No. Wait. I’ve decided that I’m beginning to get it. HAHAHAHAHA I have to stop laughing at the absurdity of this but it’s so true! And we don’t even realize it! Or, we decide not to! AGH make it stop—

~~~

As the full force of understanding of this concept sunk in, I found myself laughing. It's so simple, yet so difficult! (Or, as I said, it is if we decide... let's not go there again. It's an endless loop. Or could be. If...)

My challenge for today is to try this exercise: Add the phrase I’ve decided that to everything thought and said throughout the day.

So if I’m thinking to myself and I slip and say “Gosh, I’m tired today”, I have to catch it and say “Wait—so I’ve decided that I’m tired today? NO WAY! I’ve decided that I am full of energy today and well-rested!”

or

"I gotta clean the kitchen" becomes "I've decided to clean the kitchen"

"I'll never lose weight" becomes "I've decided I'll never lose weight... no, wait! I've decided I'm in the process of thinning down!"

I challenge YOU to try this as well. Get some paper. Mentally divide it into thirds. Make two columns: the left is one third of the page and the right is two-thirds wide. In the right (wider) column, write down every complaint, every "this is just how I am" that you have.

• I hate vacuuming.
• God, my house is a mess.
• People are annoying and they cannot drive.
• This TV show sucks.
• It'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but he never does.
• I love cats and chocolate!
• My boyfriend irritates me, he thinks I'm daft.
• Crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• Don't drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• That woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

When your list is complete (and it will be—should be—far longer than this), add the words "I've decided that" to the front of every single line, in the left-hand column. Then read it out loud.

• I've decided that I hate vacuuming.
• I've decided that God, my house is a mess.
• I've decided that people are annoying and I've decided that they cannot drive.
• I've decided that this TV show sucks.
• I've decided that it'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but I've decided that he never does.
• I've decided that I love cats and chocolate!
• I've decided that my boyfriend irritates me, he's decided that he thinks I'm daft.
• I've decided that crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I've decided that I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• I've decided that if you drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• I've decided that that woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

Does it sound as absurd to you as it does to me? They are all just beliefs, not truths! :-)

You can't change the current circumstances because they are the product of past decisions (or... have I just decided that you can't?), but you CAN change what you decide to bring into your life from now on. The second part of the exercise would be to go back and turn the negatives into positive opposites.

So far, I've decided that I'm happy—not that I'm going to be happy, but that I am right now; I've decided some other things pertaining to the house sales; and I've done a LOT of EFT tapping on other issues, unearthing some core issues I wasn't aware I had.

Life, I've decided, is great.

On The Verge: Enough, or Not?

A major limiting belief recently reared itself. Apparently, somewhere along the line I got it into my head that before I can allow myself to deserve to be successful, I must first lose everything.

It certainly explains what's been going on in my life these past few months.

Now, where does one acquire such a belief? Well, trace it to my youth. While I grew up in upper-middle-class surroundings and never knew what "true wanting" was, I took on this limiting belief from others. I was and still am set on being a successful commercial recording artist (read: rock star). I read everything I could get my hands on about musicians and their road to fame and glory, hoping to pick up tidbits and formulate a plan.

Unfortunately, I seem to have picked up the WRONG tidbits.

It's not just the musicians, it's everywhere. The hard luck story. The rags-to-riches saga. The tale of how tragedy struck and it looked like the world was caving in on them only to have a miracle occur at the 11:59 mark that saved them and turned their world upside down in a good way. The big break following utter tragedy. Case in point:

Kelly Clarkson—grew up poor. Shortly after moving to LA with her best friend, their apartment burnt down. The only thing that survived the fire were the clothes they were wearing at the time. Because of this Kelly was forced to move back home rather than pursue her dreams of being a singer. A couple of months later, she auditioned for the first season ofAmerican Idol and went on to become... well... Kelly Clarkson.

Joe Vitale—became homeless, lived in virtual poverty while dreaming of becoming the best-selling author and manifestation guru that he is today.

JD Fortune (won the INXS search for a lead singer)—formerly homeless, lived in his car with his dog under a bridge, had a drug issue... he had no money and this was his last shot at living when he competed on the TV show "Rock Star: INXS" in 2005 and won.

Rick Dutrow (trainer of 2008 Triple Crown contender Big Brown)—was living with the drug-addicted mother of his toddler daughter when the mother was murdered (in front of the child). He had no money, but he and his daughter moved into a 12x12 tack room at the racing stable where he worked. Now, of course, he's miles from there.

And of course, just about every musician you'll ever meet has a hard-luck-before-wild-success story to share. Except maybe my favorite guitarist, Steve Vai. He grew up in a nice neighborhood in Long Island. Took guitar lessons. Went to Berklee School of Music. Spent time in the school’s library transcribing Frank Zappa’s works by ear, then, on a lark, mailed transcriptions of Zappa’s guitar solos to him. Zappa arranged a meeting, and was so impressed with Steve's abilities that he hired him to transcribe his "seemingly endless array of experimental symphonic rock". That's a ballsy story about guts and audacity rather than luck, but it's more of a rarity to find this type of story than the other.

My brain put two and two together and decided:

Poverty and hard luck is the key to success.

Yeah. You read that right.

My nasty little brain has been attempting, quite effectively, to drag me down to the depths of despair, THINKING IT'S HELPING ME BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

Last night, this deeply buried limiting belief surfaced. I stared at it in disbelief. "But..." I cried, "I don't WANT to lose everything!!! Isn't it enough to be on the verge?"

The shock of this realization had me reeling, because there at the end was the exploitable truth.

I DON'T have to lose everything.

The important point was that I thought I needed a "story". Something to justify it to the masses when I finally get my big break and am commercially successful, something that points to my deservedness: Did she work hard enough? Did she truly suffer? OK, then she is deserving and we accept her success.

Yes, I realize those point to other LBs. But the point is finding my "story". My brain was trying to write my story for me according to what it had determined is the key to success. You must lose everything, you must fail, THEN you deserve to succeed and can do so.

But something else spoke to me in that moment. This voice sounded like the nudges of inspiration that always lead me to wondrous things. The voice said,

"Does anyone really pay that much attention to the background stories? To the details? Are semantics necessary? Do you... really have to go all the way... or is it enough to have been on the verge?"

CLICK.

Yes. It IS enough. As long as there is truth in my story, nobody will dispute it, nor are they likely to feel compelled to researching the details not covered. Background stories are two-second sound bites... and they are all spin-doctored, anyway. In fact, I'd bet half the hard luck stories are just that—stories. Spin-doctored out of a couple of facts to sound as dramatic as possible. Which is fine. Who really cares? If someone is talented, isn't that enough?

It's enough to say, "I had $500 left in my bank account, no job, and I was on the verge of losing my house and having all the utilities shut off when my big break came and..."

Because NOBODY will pay much attention to the phrase "on the verge of" and read into what it really means, especially if the emphasis is on the word "LOSING" when it's spoken. And it's doubtful anyone would look into it and find out that:

• Yes, MY account only had that much in it, but I was due to inherit a very large sum from my parents' estate in a short while so...
• Yes, my mortgage was late a couple times and I was requesting forebearance to save myself but it was at the beginning not the end and I had time to salvage it and...
• Yes, it was my house, but not the one I was living in at the time, it was the old one that was on the market anyway and...
• Yeah, they probably would have shut off my utilities if I didn't pay them.
• And I didn't have a job. Yet. Unless you count playing in a cover band (which surprisingly few people do count as a "real" job despite the fact that the money is the same color).

Semantics.

Yes, I've been ON THE VERGE. But I DO NOT HAVE TO actually GO all the way "there". I'm comfortable with where I've been. I have enough authenticity in my "story" that I feel I am NOW truly deserving of any and all success that is coming my way. (And it was quite silly to put myself through this kind of torture for nothing.)

Besides. Maybe the inheritance money cushion is God's intention for me, and IS my Big Break. Maybe it's there to allow me the space and time to give my full attention to my music career without being distracted by things like day jobs and mortgages. If so, then I've been allowing this ridiculous LB to encourage me to DENY it for me. I've been refusing God's Gift to me.

And that is just wrong on so many levels.

So today, I'm processing this and revamping my belief system accordingly. I've also had some major revelations regarding my music career and God and the devil, but we'll save that for another day.

Shooting Down Missiles

It is said that one cannot unthink a thought or unspeak a word. True, a word once spoken is out there. But is it really true that a thought cannot be unthought?

What has troubled me most about the LOA is the concept that thought energy manifests itself physically in time, and that the stuff I'm experiencing now is the result of thoughts I had un- or sub-consciously—or even consciously—long ago. Well, how the heck do I know what I might have thought myself into years ago? It's terrifying when you really consider the potential consequences.

It sent me to a miserable place for awhile, pondering what might be up ahead, all because I stupidly mis-thought something but had no idea what that mis-thought might have been. What have I done to myself? What horrors await me? I felt helpless. I've gone and done something to myself that I never intended to do and I have no way to stop it because I wasn't aware enough to know what I was doing at the time, so now all I can do is sit here and brace myself for the onslaught.

Does that make sense?

Well, maybe it doesn't have to be that way.

If the enemy shoots a missile into space, aiming at a target here on Earth, it doesn't mean we're done for. Because we can shoot a missile into space, aimed at the oncoming missile, to intercept it and destroy it before it hits.

Why couldn't we also do this with thought energy?

OK, so you made the mistake of sending out all sorts of negative financial energy. You're awaiting certain ruin. Why? Why not launch a missile of positive financial energy, and intercept the negative energy that is on its way back to you? Followers of Abraham (Esther and Jerry Hicks) call this a "rocket of desire".

Rather than sit back and wait for your own personal apocalypse, send up a rocket of desire. Shoot down the mis-fired thought missiles that are freefalling towards you and blast them full of positive opposite energy.

That's what I'm doing, anyway.

One thing I'm finding VERY useful in my progress is The Clearing Audio, produced by Dr. Joe Vitale ("The Attractor Factor", "Zero Limits", "The Key") and Pat O'Bryan ("Portable Empire"). It's about 20 minutes of soothing new-age music composed by Pat with binaural beats and your choice of a version that is music only, music with subliminal affirmations embedded below the conscious level, or audible affirmations read by Joe. You get all three for one low price. They just released an Advanced Clearing Audio with seven variations, but you must have been using the original Clearing Audio for 30 days straight before you're allowed to download it.

Well, I've been using it for about 10 days now and it is amazing. At first, I played it constantly while being online. Then I downloaded it to my cell phone. Every night, I go to bed and fall asleep to the following sequence:

Clearing Audio (audible affirmations)
Stin's Meditations*
Clearing Audio (subliminal affirmations)

I'm usually out halfway through the first Clearing Audio and wake up to silence. I sleep great. I have pleasant, educational dreams. I no longer experience the 3 AM panic attacks (where you wake up suddenly, panicking, not sure why, thoughts racing)—nope, all gone! I awake refreshed. I feel more confident. Motivated. And the surprising thing is, my storehouse of limiting beliefs is surfacing. This really does work!

I downloaded it March 29th. All my LBs related to the sale of my Grandma's house emerged. I analyzed and addressed them. On April 3rd, we got an offer on the house. It took a week. That's a bit longer than most people experience with this meditation between clearing beliefs and manifesting change, but I figure it's because I had some particularly big blocks to clear. Things ARE unblocking. This is amazing. I advise you to head over there and download it and see for yourself. Then you, too, can clear out your counter intentions and start sending out wondrous rockets of desire, and launch anti-counter-intention missiles into your personal universe.

*Stin Meditations: Stin is the host of My Thought Coach. She offers free podcasts of affirmations as well as deeper meditations available through a paid membership. Being the musically-adept person that I am, and having Cubase Studio 4 on my Mac, I imported my three favorite podcast MP3s into Cubase, put them in the order I wanted, and saved as a new MP3—for my own personal use only. That way I could drop it on my cell phone and play it all at once. (My three faves deal with financial abundance, health and weight control, and being happy.)

For Just a Dollar A Day

I encourage you to visit my new friend Todd at his website and learn about his wonderful idea—Give Away a Dollar A Day. I've already joined the campaign.

There are many fun ways in which we can give away a dollar a day to promote the positive flow of abundance energy out into the Universe, and by default attract more of that energy back to us, because that's how it works—what we put out, we get back in Spades (or Aces, depending on the kind of energy we're putting out).

As I was reading Todd's list, a memory returned. I have a friend who has unknowingly been participating in this already, and I witnessed it first-hand. I emailed the story to Todd—you can read it by following this link.

If you are up for the challenge, go for it! If, as Todd says, the idea of giving away a whole dollar unnerves you, give away a quarter. Or even a penny. It's not the dollar amount that counts—it's the attitude that is put into the coin or bill that counts. This is all about the energy.

Give it a shot. Really. It's "only" a dollar. I know—you're saying, "What if it doesn't work? I'll have lost a dollar and I might need that someday". OK, sure.

But... what if it DOES?

Who Are We, Really?

THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE, BUT WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

I was blogsurfing my hobby blogs when I came across the above quote. It made me pause and think. (If this entry of mine sounds familiar... it's because you must know me from my other blog. Yes, I've cross-posted, but for personal reasons, I'm keeping the blogs separate from each other for now.)

The quote was from Peter Walsh, the "Clean Sweep" de-cluttering guru. Mr. Walsh said this to a woman on Oprah who was drowning in cookbooks and supplies she never used, in response to her telling Peter that she always intended to do more serious baking.

This is not who you ARE, but who you want to BE.

If you are Peter Walsh, this is probably the go-ahead to start chucking the cookbooks and supplies, and letting go of the desire to be someone you "aren't".

Or is it?

I tend to disagree, at least in part.

Perhaps this should be viewed as a signpost, pointing to your deepest dreams rather than a castle in the sky to be torn down without a second thought!

I'm all for uncluttering one's life and eradicating unnecessary items, for stripping away things that do not fit one's ideal vision of their lives. But who is to say that the person one wants to be is something that can never be attained?

Everyone lives in a state of denial, denying themselves the things they most want because limiting beliefs, negative past programming, and subconscious counter intentions tell them that they don't deserve it, they don't have the skills/talents, it's a waste of time/money/energy, it's extravagant, it's frivolous, it's too hard, it's too easy—and so on. We all have programming along these lines, particular to our own cases, thanks to our upbringing and what we've been exposed to throughout our lives.

But we will occasionally get nudges, glimpses into a better, brighter world, a world we want very much to trade up to and live within.

Maybe for the cookbook woman, the idea of being a more serious baker was the answer to a call coming from her soul telling her that her destiny is to BE a baker. Or a cookbook author. Or a network food chef. Or something related.

Maybe for her, it's the signpost pointing toward her deepest unrealized dream. Her destiny.

Or, perhaps it's a response to feelings of self-worth. Maybe she's trying to make up for someone in her life who failed to meet expectations. Maybe her mother wasn't "there" for her growing up, and she saw other mothers who baked for their families, and associated baking with love and nurturing. Maybe she feels a deep-rooted need to either fill the void in her own life that was created by her mother's ignorance of that role by going above and beyond expectations for her own family. Maybe she needs to bake to prove to herself that she's a better Mother/Wife/Nurturer than her own mother was. I'm speculating, of course. But it would make sense.

In the first instance, it would be wholly unwise for the woman to be told to chuck out her supplies and give up on trying to be that person. In this instance, she would be practicing even further denial of her own TRUTH. Instead, she should be encouraged to find out why she has been avoiding it, and work to overcome the limiting beliefs that are blocking her—then make "serious baking" a priority in her life. Begin to live the life that she's dreaming of.

In the second instance, it would be beneficial and life-altering for the woman to let go of the supplies, if she has also become aware of the beliefs that lead her there, and lets go of them at the same time. In this instance, letting go would bring about healing and allow her to see the rise of her own true self.

I suppose my response is not as simple as "No, that's wrong" or "Yes, that's correct". My response would be that one must go further than just saying "Oh, that's just who you want to be, but you're not, so let it go". One must delve deeply into their own psyche and find the reasons WHY they want to be this other person. Only then can they make a sound decision to allow themselves to BE the person they want to be, or to let that person go so that they can realize their own true dreams.

On Inheritances

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

What does inheritance mean to you?

Is an inheritance something that you earn? A reward for "good behavior" over the course of a lifetime? Something parents are obligated to grant to their children? Something that children "deserve" to get?

We've all heard the story of the Prodigal Son. How his brothers were mad when he returned after years away and was greeted warmly by their father, welcomed back into the fold, and generously bequeathed a third of his father's estate. His brothers were pissed. They thought they'd be getting half each. They felt cheated. But the moral of the story is about forgiveness and acceptance, that no matter how far away you travel or how long you are gone, a father's love is always there when you need it.

But look at it from the brothers' point of view. They spent all their time slaving away for their father, pouring sweat equity into what they thought they would one day split equally. To have this interloper show up at a conveniently opportune time (right before the father kicked it), then be granted a third of the estate when he'd contributed nothing to the deal? Preposterous! Obstruction of justice! Unfair! The Prodigal Son didn't "earn" it.

The father didn't see it that way. The father wanted to bless ALL of his children equally. The brothers already thought of the estate as theirs and they didn't want to give up an inch.

Is an inheritance negotiable? Is a Will merely a politeness? Or is it set in stone that this document must be interpreted as written by the deceased?

During this past year, I've been involved in a squabble over the distribution of my parents' estate. This was not something I consciously wanted, mind you. But somehow I attracted it to myself.

The conflict was generated by my sibling, my Mother's biological daughter, who is considerably older than I am. We have always been on good terms, or so I thought. I also thought I knew her. But perhaps growing up under two separate roofs had a detrimental effect on our relationship. She was already graduated and in college when I arrived, so we were both raised as only children. We never had sibling rivalry, or were able to forge that special "us against the 'rents" bond that hopefully occurs between siblings of the same generation. I thought I knew her... until the crisis of a lifetime happened, and she didn't react at all like my parents and I expected. We expected everyone to rally and come together in a crisis.

The opposite happened. True colors and selfishness reared their ugly heads. While my Dad was ill and my Mother panicked and dependent, it fell on me to provide 99% of their care, handle their finances, and make sure things functioned as they should while we waited for what we thought would be Dad's eventual return to the helm of the family. I was happy to step in temporarily. The rest of the family was greatly relieved that I had it all under control and as was said to me more than once, "I'm so glad you're there to deal with this (not me)". We never anticipated that he'd die a few months later. Or that Mother would be diagnosed with terminal cancer and four months to live mere weeks after his passing.

The point of the squabble is that my sister feels shortchanged in some way, though my Mother was very fair and divided the estate in half: one half to me, one half to her. The estate includes two houses, some antiques, and a chunk of cash. I was granted the right to take part of my share in real estate, to claim one of the houses as a permanent home, and the other is on the market with proceeds from the sale to be split equally after taking into consideration the value of the home I chose. To each receive half makes us each quite well-off for a bit and gives us the boost we'd need to jumpstart whatever dreams we may have. So what's the problem?

Somehow, the situation has turned into a negotiation for redistribution of the shares, courtesy of my sister. Questions about our personal situations and finances have been brought in by my sister in an attempt to support the argument that she "needs" the money more than I do, therefore she should get "more". I have been running interference, conversing with the lawyer to remind him that this is a WILL, not a business contract or sale, and that it should not be interpreted based on who has the better sob story or claims to be worse off. I'm trying to ward off bad vibes by not saying how I really feel about this development, but let's just say, it affects my happiness and my comfort level.

It occurred to me today that this is completely counter to what an inheritance is all about. It's not a reward. It's not an obligation. It's not something we children deserve, or should expect, or demand.

An inheritance is a GIFT.

Our parents did not HAVE to leave us anything. There was no obligation to leave it to us. They could have said sell off both houses, and donate all the money to cancer research or charity. But they didn't—they passed it on to us AS A GIFT. An extremely generous, profoundly moving, final farewell gift that originated in their hearts because they love us and because the only thing they ever wanted was to see us happy and fulfilled. Their hope was that by giving us these things, we would be elevated to a better place, we would have enough money to jump start our dreams, we'd have a place to live if we needed it—they were taking care of us.

To "negotiate" a "better" or "more fair" share of this is to completely disrespect the gift and dishonor our parents. THIS is why it upsets me so much. Instead of squabbling over whether my piece of pie is a molecule larger than hers, we should be celebrating! We should be accepting the gift as Mother wanted it to be given to us, with an attitude of utter gratefulness and grace! We should be thankful that, number one, they left us anything at all, and that two, they had so much to leave to us! There is MORE than enough there to make us both comfortable. There is more than enough there to give both of us a much-needed boost into a better life.

I question why I seem to be the only one who sees it this way. I'm happy to be getting anything at all. She's complaining that it's not enough and that troubles me and I'm finding it a challenge to understand her behavior.

The point is, an inheritance is not a business contract, not an earned reward, nor is it a negotiable instrument. It is a gift to us from our parents. Those of us who have been blessed with a gift such as this would do well to remember that it is a gift freely given, and honor it and receive it graciously and gratefully, no matter how big or small it is, how valuable, or what form it takes.

Dealing With the Blocks

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

We are all blocked in some way. Mental obstacles are particularly effective at preventing us from pursuing our passions. One of the passages in Joe Vitale's book "Life's Missing Instruction Manual" was contributed by Cindy Cashman, Letting Go of Your Fears (p. 34-38). In it, she suggests,

to create and maintain a clear perspective, [I've] come up with three additional keys: Ask, Answer and Action.

Today, I experimented with the first one, Ask. Cindy suggests asking yourself what is stopping you from achieving your desired outcome. Then, allow yourself to be totally honest and listen to what your inner self tells you. This is much more effective than simply bemoaning "Why..."

I gave it a shot. My biggest obstacle is allowing myself to uncover my limiting beliefs, oddly enough. I can uncover smaller ones, but I know (as referenced in my two previous posts this week) that they are merely offshoots of a much larger issue. So I decided to confront the Big One head-on. The answer wasn't completely surprising, but the details that came after it were. Following is what I typed, stream of consciousness, into my computer:

What is stopping me from going outside of my comfort zone and gaining perspective on what is blocking me?

Fear.

Fear that if I do so, I'll come upon expectations. Fear that I'll have to live up to my expectations of myself, and fear that those expectations are too great for ANYONE to live up to.

Fear that I'll have to put action behind my words... but won't be able to follow through (because of lack of ___________: finances, energy, knowledge, age barriers, talent, experience... you name it).

I don't want to SEE what is blocking me, I don't want to look past my comfort zone because I'm afraid of what is on the other side. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for the role that's waiting for me on the other side of my comfort zone. I'm afraid I'll have to change too much and that at this "late date" in my life, many of those changes will now be impossible which will lead to failure and disappointment.

I don't want to see what I know I won't be able to be do or have (because it's too late) because the disappointment would kill me; I don't want to know what I could be do or have because then the pressure to become, act on or acquire that thing would be too much for me to bear.

I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to follow through on what is demanded of me if I step into the role waiting for me on the other side of my comfort zone. It's easier to stay put, to stagnate, to just exist as is because it's familiar, I know what the requirements are, I know that I can live "up" to it pretty well. I don't have to do much to be "nothing". Although... misery and depression are heavy crosses to bear, probably heavier than the lightness and joy that comes with being happy.

But it's too much to risk, so I stay in my comfort zone, I stay blocked, I stagnate.

(Boy, I gotta change this!!!!!)

My gosh. I just realized that I just saw the blocks.

Yep. I saw the blocks. It's a bit scary. But now I have something concrete to focus on changing. I really am ready to leave my comfort zone and grow. So... what's stopping YOU?

Counter Intuitive

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

Looking back at my earliest belief system from the previous post, let's see if I can come up with counter intentions to dismantle these limiting beliefs.

1. Authority figures are bad and controlling and cannot be trusted

Authority figures may in some cases be bad or untrustworthy, it's true. But the key point here is about CONTROL.

NO ONE can control you unless you allow them to, give them permission to control you. I am in control. I control my destiny through my thoughts and the subsequent actions that are in alignment with my thoughts. I have the ability to direct my thoughts and actions in a way that manifests my best reality, regardless of who I encounter.

2. I'm rubbish/under par

Simply not true. If this is based on being given up for adoption ie abandoned, then look at the truth you've come to know: you WERE wanted. You were a victim only of another's bad choices, choices they regret. You are special, valuable, worthy, and vitally important to this world. You are ABOVE par. You are awesome. (I'm saying this to myself.)

3. I'm the last resort choice

See above. You are top choice, first class, A Number One, King of the Hill! You are the BEST choice. Your a-parents wanted YOU desperately. All you need to do is want yourself as desperately and enthusiastically.

4. Work extra hard to be good enough or they'll change their minds and dump you

You don't have to work hard to be good enough, you are already far better than good enough and being better than good enough comes easily to you. If anyone ever walks away from you, it is their loss, not yours. Be the best You that you can be, but do it for yourself.

5. Conformity is the key to success

Nope. INDIVIDUALITY is. Life is like one of those 50,000-piece puzzles. If every piece were the same, the puzzle would be boring to solve and quite possibly wouldn't work right. If everyone on the planet were the same, why have multiples? Every puzzle piece is unique, and each one has a special unique place in the picture. Lose one piece and the picture is incomplete. Try to force one into a place it doesn't belong or fit and it will throw off the picture. We are all here with unique, individual talents and gifts to contribute to the world, and each of us is equally vital.

6. A leopard is not allowed to change his spots

Yes, he is. He's even capable of doing so. You are not here to please others by being something you are not. So don't do it. Instead, embrace your own spots, and if you don't like them, CHANGE them. Some may change with you, others may not. Those that don't should be allowed to fall away as their energies are wrong in combination with yours. If you refuse to change because you're worried about how others will handle it, you are giving their approval of you the permission to control you (see #1 above)! You can become anything, do anything, and have anything you want to be, do or have! If it makes you happy...

7. Life should be hard, otherwise it's meaningless

Life was not meant to be hard! The Universe is abundant. The Divine Creator of the Universe wants us to share in that abundance. If things are too hard, then perhaps you're going about it the wrong way because when you are in alignment with your True Purpose, God shows the way, right? When you are properly aligned, you send out the right energy, which attracts to you the right opportunities to help you get where you're supposed to be. Life is, in fact, MORE meaningful when you are easily attracting to you the things you want to be, do or have, and when you are walking in alignment with your true purpose.

8. Generosity is motivated by sympathy: he who is most pathetic wins

The first half of this might be somewhat true. The second half is not. I do know that I'd rather go through life feeling empowered than feeling pathetic; being successful rather than a failure; and being generous out of the kindness of my heart regardless of the story or perceived "deservedness" because it's just the right thing to do. In fact, generosity offered freely before a story is given is even better. Generosity with your friends, your loved ones—that's beautiful. It's good to give to the less fortunate, too, but NOT JUST to them. Giving only to them and withholding your generosity from, say, your family because they don't "need" it is in itself pathetic. So give just to give. Let generosity itself be your motivation for giving.

So far these are the beliefs that have surfaced. I already feel better just having uncovered them.

Beliefs and Purpose

Note: this is an import from my previous blog

Since discovering the Law of Attraction and undertaking a serious, daily study of it, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness. This is better than therapy: limiting beliefs are making themselves known, and I have been carefully monitoring my thought process to catch them in the act and employ Neuro Linguistic Programming to alter these counter intentions to align with my truest intentions. I'm creating an entirely new belief system. This post is divided into two segments: one focuses on Beliefs, the other on Purpose.

BELIEFS

I've been uncovering many limiting beliefs (LBs) or counter intentions. There seem to be so many—how could I possibly identify and corral all of them in order to appropriately dispose of them? It would take years.

Or so I thought.

Today it occurred to me that every one of my smaller LBs is a sub-genre of a larger, more primitive LB. Today I was able to trace back to several LBs that were instilled in me during my earliest moments on Earth. The smaller beliefs are offshoots and combinations of the principles therein. That's why I've been only somewhat successful in addressing them—I've been pruning the new growths rather than pulling out the entire shrub.

So far, I've traced back to eight total beliefs. There may be more, but eight is a good start. Keep in mind that I was adopted at the age of ten days and waited 42 years to meet my birth family and get their side of the story. So my beliefs were based on the truth that I knew, not the truth I came to know.

The truth that I knew was that my birth parents were separated, my b-mom couldn't take care of me on her own, and there were older siblings. That was it.

The truth that I came to know after meeting them was that I was indeed very much wanted by my birth mother, that she'd lost all of the kids due to a shitty set of circumstances over which she had little control (she thought), that she'd been given the option to give me up in exchange for keeping the existing siblings, that despite relinquishing me to adoption the other five kids were placed in foster homes, and that eventually she was able to reclaim every child but me, which she regretted for the rest of her life. I also learned that she'd never forgotten me, always loved me, missed me terribly, and always wanted to find me (which she did, 42 years later).

That said, my earliest belief system is as follows:

1. Authority figures are bad and controlling and cannot be trusted

My b-mom was in prison for child neglect (erroneously). The authorities forced her to relinquish me. I was given a lot of good things but was denied the one thing I wanted more than anything else in my less-than-ten-day-old world—my mother. I had no choice. I was controlled.

2. I'm rubbish/under par

My b-mom had other kids already. That she let me go without a fight (so I thought) and kept the others meant that I must've been sub par in comparison to the siblings. I wasn't good enough to keep. I'm disposable.

3. I'm the last resort choice

I was adopted by truly wonderful people who couldn't have another child any other way, and were so desperate for one that they'd gladly take "anything". I'm not special, I'm just what was settled for. Last resort.

4. Work extra hard to be good enough or they'll change their minds and dump you

Because of #2 and #3, I believe that as long as I'm perfect, good, kind, and generous and keep them happy with me, I'll be allowed to stay; but should I eff up or defy them in any way, they'll lose interest and I'll be abandoned again.

5. Conformity is the key to success

Nobody will like you if you're different. Try to fit in better—you stand out too much. It's wrong to enjoy the attention you get or looking or acting weird/different. Uniqueness makes others uncomfortable. Better than you're uncomfortable and everyone accepts and likes the false "you" than to be your true happy, comfortable and unacceptable self.

6. A leopard is not allowed to change his spots

Once you are established as being one thing or behaving a certain way, you are obligated to stay that way. You cannot suddenly change your mind and be or do something else, because it upsets the apple cart when others have to adapt to your new behaviors. You don't want to do that, because you're already on thin ice as it is being last resort choice. Your role was set early on, so you just have to make do. Because we are comfortable with you in THIS role only. We have successfully manipulated you to fit this role because it serves US. Your role is strictly there to benefit us—not you—just remember you are on permanent probation with us.

7. Life should be hard, otherwise it's meaningless

Taking the easy way out is wrong. You only deserve it if you struggle to get it. The more you struggle the more it's worth. You're spoiled—which is also bad—if it comes to you too easily, or you must be doing something shady to get it (suspicion).

8. Generosity is motivated by sympathy: he who is most pathetic wins

Case in point: Mother (my adoptive one) was always rushing to give money to the daughter or niece with the biggest sob story. But if you asked, as if you deserved it, she would snort in disbelief and tell you to go out and get it yourself, you have a good job, you don't need (deserve) it. I was admittedly quite good at eliciting sympathy by being pathetic and hopeless, as was my more artistic niece. She was so good that all it took was a pout, worried eyes, and a woeful moan in her voice and boom. How much do I make that check out for? My sister and the other niece, however, weren't into the whole pathetic act. So they got "less". My sister would pull pathetic only if she had to. My niece, on the other hand, avoided that like the plague, instead getting insulted that she didn't seem to be as "deserving". Mother paid for both niece's undergrad studies. Mother was offended when the younger niece expected Mother to pay for grad school. When Mother refused, younger niece decided she couldn't go to grad school and it was Grandma's "fault".

So. There you have it. My eyes have been opened wide. Number eight came about after my sister decided to crank up the pathetic act with the estate laywer, of all people, in an attempt to sway him to adjust the distribution of the Will so she'd get all the cash up front and I'd get no cash and just the house (and we'd split the sale from the other house so I'd get money "later"). It irritated me so much. The reason? Because she was using #8 effectively, and because my "strength", my "role" in the family was that I was the best at being truly pathetic—it's what I was "good" at being—and here she was proving #4 to me. That's confusing. What I was thinking was:

How dare she! I'm really good at being not good enough and pathetic, and there she is trying to out do me at that even! To prove to me that I'm not even good enough at being not good enough/pathetic!

My challenge now is to counter each of those beliefs with positive intentions. It's quite freeing seeing them clearly for the first time, as convoluted as they are. Now I know that I'm going to be all right, because I can attack these head on and CHANGE them (and myself) and those things that upset me before I'll be immune to from here on.

PURPOSE

I'm reading (a bunch of books but most momentarily) Joe Vitale's "Life's Missing Instruction Manual" which has snippets of important concepts. One was about identifying what you really want. He said "I don't know" isn't the correct answer—it's a lie. You just don't want to admit you know, because once you admit to it, then you either have to make it happen, or come up with excuses as to why you aren't making it happen. (He's so right.) So I looked at the clock. I told myself:

OK. For the next ten minutes starting at X, you have a window. During that window, you are allowed to freely state what it is you want to be, do or have, without consequence. Admitting it does NOT mean you have to make it happen, or that you have to make excuses for why you aren't. All you are allowed to do is admit to it. Once the ten minutes are up, the window closes, and you can decide to either make it happen, or forget you ever admitted it.

Then I watched the clock. At 2:50 PM, my window opened.

At 2:55 PM, I realized something.

It's not about being a rock star, or a horsemanship instructor, or teacher. It's about my MISSION STATEMENT. Well, I didn't immediately realize it was a mission statement. What dawned on me, as I wrote down the short list of things to "be", was the driving force behind them. Then I began to understand that as long as it is in perfect alignment with what turns out to be my mission statement, it doesn't matter "how" I execute it.

The Short List:
Editor (music or words, because I love tweaking things)
Author/Writer
Composer (music)
Parelli Natural Horsemanship Instructor
College Prof w/a PhD (if teaching something I'm really passionate about)

My Mission Statement:

To engage people's minds, encourage them towards positive change, teach them to think alternatively and progressively, and inspire them to grow. To entertain them a bit along the way. To be a benefactor, a financial conduit to assist others in achieving their purpose along this common path.

So. WHY did I hate my former prepress/production job so much? Or graphic design? Because the clientele as well as the work was out of alignment with this MS. Advertising yet another worthless product created solely for the purpose of making the advertiser rich—misaligned. Especially if that product is harmful to the environment or something. Super especially if the advertising is spin doctoring designed to detract from this. In addition, working for bosses who were more interested in cutting production costs but overcharging their clients so as to line their own pockets but were stingy with the faithful employees doing all the work... way out of alignment. The reason my gut clenches when I look at want ads? I'm expecting to find more situations like this OR I am picking up vibes of companies that are out of alignment.

So what do I need to focus on attracting to me? Work that is in alignment with my mission statement. I realized that I could do graphic design for a period of time IF I was doing it for a company that was totally in alignment with my MS. Suddenly the concept of working is no longer accompanied by a strong feeling of nauseating dread.

What I wanna know is, why did it take me so long to figure this out?

The interesting thing is, as you look at my Short List, except for Editor, all of them could be used to fulfill my MS. (I guess an Editor could be editing publications or music for a company that is within alignment—perhaps editing/proofing self-help LoA books or music for meditation/affirmation CDs.) The Parelli program is all about growth, positive progressive thought, and entertaining while teaching. Engaging the minds of people as well as horses to promote positive change. (No wonder.) Music moves people, lyrics contain messages. Writing, well, duh. Non-fiction, of course. Thoughts, not novels. College Prof? Pretty much does that as long as the prof is passionate about their subject and committed to it. I suppose graphic design could be used as this forum as well, if it's more socially oriented rather than as advertising, though it's not my top choice.

The reason I wanted to be a rock musician in the first place was to reach people through the lyrics and music, young impressionable people, and teach them this stuff. Success came easily to me when that, my Mission Statement, was my goal. The minute it became less about that and more about BEING a rock star, fame fortune lifestyle, the harder it got.

Big stuff, eh?

So. Why do you do what you do? Are you SURE it's your purpose? What do YOU really want?

You've got a ten-minute window with no consequences... GO.