Do you want to be on the leading edge of manifesting the greatest social transformation in human history?
Then click on this link right now and watch this six-minute trailer for The Shift Movie.
These are just a few of the individuals appearing in this movie. Other notables such as Dr. Joe Vitale will also be appearing.
It is time to CHOOSE CHANGE.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
More on Deciding
This morning I awoke with a further understanding about deciding. It relates back to one of my ongoing struggles, which has been panic related to finances. But first, a little backstory.
I did not used to panic when I thought about money. But then, growing up, there was always enough of it. My parents were upper-middle class suburbanites who'd survived the Great Depression. Dad was a University professor and taught grad school; Mom was a stay-at-home who pursued her passion for painting but it was strictly a hobby. On one salary from one full-time job with summers and holidays off and plenty of leisure time after work, he provided us with a lovely home in a safe neighborhood.
At one time there were three cars in the driveway—modest, but always bought new—except for his "utility vehicle" for doing our household fix-up projects (used; something to take to the hardware store). We took nice family vacations such as renting a cabin for a week at a state park. He had a 14' sailboat he enjoyed immensely. We never went hungry. They always paid the bills on time and had enough saved for rainy days so that when unexpected things arose, they were easily dealt with and the savings and investments were still largely intact.
And he almost always paid cash or by check (and they were always good). Credit cards were carefully guarded, for absolute emergency use only, and paid off immediately.
Dad had a knack.
Because of this, though, I grew up with the belief that it IS possible to survive quite comfortably on one good salary and that there is always more than enough money.
The past two years have been a shocker for me. My belief system has been thoroughly shaken up, my cage rattled. I've experienced what it's like to NOT have more than enough money, to look at the price of things and wonder how on Earth one salary could ever accommodate it, and I've felt genuine fear on more than one occasion.
However. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to CHANGE.
Now for the revelation. The fear I feel related to money is ALSO a decision.
My thought process subconsciously goes like this:
This is my current belief structure related to money:
The most obvious Continuous Flow Financial source is a job. However, there are plenty of other methods of obtaining CFFs. Royalties, for example. If you write a song that becomes a classic hit and is still being played at weddings or on the radio 30 years later, and you have a good publishing deal, you have a source of CFF for the life of the song. Or how about investment interest? The chunk arrives, it is invested, and the interest compounds regularly. That is self-generating! I'm simply trying to open the mind to alternatives.
But if I wind up taking the obvious route and there is a new job in my future, the only other thing I need to focus on is making sure that I find a job that is in alignment with my Mission Statement and my life goals. No small feat, but... I've decided I can do that.
I did not used to panic when I thought about money. But then, growing up, there was always enough of it. My parents were upper-middle class suburbanites who'd survived the Great Depression. Dad was a University professor and taught grad school; Mom was a stay-at-home who pursued her passion for painting but it was strictly a hobby. On one salary from one full-time job with summers and holidays off and plenty of leisure time after work, he provided us with a lovely home in a safe neighborhood.
At one time there were three cars in the driveway—modest, but always bought new—except for his "utility vehicle" for doing our household fix-up projects (used; something to take to the hardware store). We took nice family vacations such as renting a cabin for a week at a state park. He had a 14' sailboat he enjoyed immensely. We never went hungry. They always paid the bills on time and had enough saved for rainy days so that when unexpected things arose, they were easily dealt with and the savings and investments were still largely intact.
And he almost always paid cash or by check (and they were always good). Credit cards were carefully guarded, for absolute emergency use only, and paid off immediately.
Dad had a knack.
Because of this, though, I grew up with the belief that it IS possible to survive quite comfortably on one good salary and that there is always more than enough money.
The past two years have been a shocker for me. My belief system has been thoroughly shaken up, my cage rattled. I've experienced what it's like to NOT have more than enough money, to look at the price of things and wonder how on Earth one salary could ever accommodate it, and I've felt genuine fear on more than one occasion.
However. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to CHANGE.
Now for the revelation. The fear I feel related to money is ALSO a decision.
My thought process subconsciously goes like this:
- I once believed that money arrived in a continuous, dependable flow (even though it wasn't mine) and departed the same way.
- I once believed that it was possible to balance in against out, and thus I (decided that I) always felt confident about the flow.
- My parents died, I was liberated from the workforce, and I became temporarily dependent in the meantime upon partial distributions from the estate, from selling some of my unnecessary belongings, and from the occasional freelance job.
- Due to #3, I've decided that money now comes in chunks over which I have little control (or... I've decided that I have little control over it. *ahem).
- I've decided that chunks don't last long when spending is a continuous flow action.
- I must've decided at some time that spending is a continuous flow action.
- I decided to be terrified about all of this.
This is my current belief structure related to money:
- Money comes in to me as random chunks at random times.
- Money goes out from me as a continuous flow.
- This is imbalanced and I choose to experience fear about it.
- Money comes in to me as chunks AND as a continuous, dependable flow.
- Money goes out from me as a continuous, dependable flow.
- This is balanced in my favor, and I choose to experience confidence and security about it.
The most obvious Continuous Flow Financial source is a job. However, there are plenty of other methods of obtaining CFFs. Royalties, for example. If you write a song that becomes a classic hit and is still being played at weddings or on the radio 30 years later, and you have a good publishing deal, you have a source of CFF for the life of the song. Or how about investment interest? The chunk arrives, it is invested, and the interest compounds regularly. That is self-generating! I'm simply trying to open the mind to alternatives.
But if I wind up taking the obvious route and there is a new job in my future, the only other thing I need to focus on is making sure that I find a job that is in alignment with my Mission Statement and my life goals. No small feat, but... I've decided I can do that.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Deciding
There is a theme continuing in these entries. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to The Answer that will permanently and positively change my life. First, I thought it was about asking for things, like you're placing an order with God/Universe/Source (let's just call it God for simplicity's sake). Then I thought it was about what we focus on.
Then it came to me in the last post that we decide. It's not up to anyone else what we become—no one else can stop us or make it work—each of us is solely responsible for making life work out. Everyone, including God, just subconsciously "agrees" with what we've already decided is true for ourselves, and "becomes" an obstacle, a hindrance or a helper to us.
This morning, the concept of deciding expanded further.
I have been trying in vain to turn myself into a morning person because I feel I'll be more productive, and with the waning daylight and the fall heat, morning seems like a great time to play with my horses. It would also allow me to treat the horse thing more like a job.
For the 9,000th time, I failed to rise at 7:00 AM. Same old situation. To bed too late, tired, unexplained sore/stiff neck, bleaghhhhh... when my eyes finally did pry themselves opened, I asked God:
Not only do we decide who/what we want to be/do/have/experience.
We decide EVERYTHING. Every word out of our mouth is a decision we’ve made.
In addition I was told that Prayer = Deciding; Faith = Expecting Deliverance of the Decision (manifestation).
Here’s an example. I was complaining about the morning rising issue. I said:
He pointed out how I’d surprised myself with how much I’d enjoyed getting up before dawn for the PNH clinics, loved the morning light, the air, the way it smelled, the barn at first light, the fog, the crispness in the air... but always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying it.
It went against every belief I had about morning!
Read my paragraph of whining again. Now, tell me. How many beliefs can you count?
YES! Every single one is a BELIEF. Rather... it’s what I DECIDED to believe about me and mornings. (I counted seven total.) That’s when it dawned on me (no pun intended) that when I greet someone and they say “how are you today” and I say “I’m OK, but I'm tired, I got up too early today”, I’m basically saying, “I have decided to feel tired today, and I’ve decided that I got up too early and that I don’t like it.” Then, of course, life lines up to present circumstances that underscore just how tired I am today and reminders of how early I got up.
I could have decided that I feel GREAT! I feel more alive than I have in years! But most of us don’t do that automatically. If I’ve decided that’s just how I am, that’s how I’ll BE.
Look at how differently it reads when I add I’ve decided to it:
God said, if I just decide to enjoy rising at 7:00 AM and decide to enjoy going to bed by midnight, and decide to fall right into a sound, peaceful sleep, I WILL.
He also said that every other action/behavior and subsequent related belief will fall into place and align with it.
Decide the root belief, and the others line up.
God said:
As the full force of understanding of this concept sunk in, I found myself laughing. It's so simple, yet so difficult! (Or, as I said, it is if we decide... let's not go there again. It's an endless loop. Or could be. If...)
My challenge for today is to try this exercise: Add the phrase I’ve decided that to everything thought and said throughout the day.
So if I’m thinking to myself and I slip and say “Gosh, I’m tired today”, I have to catch it and say “Wait—so I’ve decided that I’m tired today? NO WAY! I’ve decided that I am full of energy today and well-rested!”
or
"I gotta clean the kitchen" becomes "I've decided to clean the kitchen"
"I'll never lose weight" becomes "I've decided I'll never lose weight... no, wait! I've decided I'm in the process of thinning down!"
I challenge YOU to try this as well. Get some paper. Mentally divide it into thirds. Make two columns: the left is one third of the page and the right is two-thirds wide. In the right (wider) column, write down every complaint, every "this is just how I am" that you have.
You can't change the current circumstances because they are the product of past decisions (or... have I just decided that you can't?), but you CAN change what you decide to bring into your life from now on. The second part of the exercise would be to go back and turn the negatives into positive opposites.
So far, I've decided that I'm happy—not that I'm going to be happy, but that I am right now; I've decided some other things pertaining to the house sales; and I've done a LOT of EFT tapping on other issues, unearthing some core issues I wasn't aware I had.
Life, I've decided, is great.
Then it came to me in the last post that we decide. It's not up to anyone else what we become—no one else can stop us or make it work—each of us is solely responsible for making life work out. Everyone, including God, just subconsciously "agrees" with what we've already decided is true for ourselves, and "becomes" an obstacle, a hindrance or a helper to us.
This morning, the concept of deciding expanded further.
I have been trying in vain to turn myself into a morning person because I feel I'll be more productive, and with the waning daylight and the fall heat, morning seems like a great time to play with my horses. It would also allow me to treat the horse thing more like a job.
For the 9,000th time, I failed to rise at 7:00 AM. Same old situation. To bed too late, tired, unexplained sore/stiff neck, bleaghhhhh... when my eyes finally did pry themselves opened, I asked God:
"Why it is so damned hard for me to manifest this stuff? Why can't I seem to get stuff to change?"I got an answer.
Because you’ve DECIDED it is.Well. That launched a conversation with God that I won’t go into blow-by-blow lest we be here all night, but I'll sum up the more pertinent points.
Not only do we decide who/what we want to be/do/have/experience.
We decide EVERYTHING. Every word out of our mouth is a decision we’ve made.
In addition I was told that Prayer = Deciding; Faith = Expecting Deliverance of the Decision (manifestation).
Here’s an example. I was complaining about the morning rising issue. I said:
But, I hate getting up in the morning. I’m not a morning person. If I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I went to bed too late. So... that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.The answer:
I said, “How do I change THAT?”
DECIDE to.Very long debate with God about how I can’t just decide to change all that, it’s just who I am, yadda yadda... with His countering me at every turn.
He pointed out how I’d surprised myself with how much I’d enjoyed getting up before dawn for the PNH clinics, loved the morning light, the air, the way it smelled, the barn at first light, the fog, the crispness in the air... but always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying it.
I said, “Yeah, because it went against every belief I had about morning.”God just smiled (it felt that way). Suddenly, I got it.
It went against every belief I had about morning!
Read my paragraph of whining again. Now, tell me. How many beliefs can you count?
YES! Every single one is a BELIEF. Rather... it’s what I DECIDED to believe about me and mornings. (I counted seven total.) That’s when it dawned on me (no pun intended) that when I greet someone and they say “how are you today” and I say “I’m OK, but I'm tired, I got up too early today”, I’m basically saying, “I have decided to feel tired today, and I’ve decided that I got up too early and that I don’t like it.” Then, of course, life lines up to present circumstances that underscore just how tired I am today and reminders of how early I got up.
I could have decided that I feel GREAT! I feel more alive than I have in years! But most of us don’t do that automatically. If I’ve decided that’s just how I am, that’s how I’ll BE.
Look at how differently it reads when I add I’ve decided to it:
But, I’ve decided that I hate getting up in the morning. I’ve decided that I’m not a morning person. I’ve decided that if I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I’ve decided that I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I’ve decided that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I’ve decided that I went to bed too late. So... I’ve decided that that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.Wow, huh? Certainly shifts MY perspective.
God said, if I just decide to enjoy rising at 7:00 AM and decide to enjoy going to bed by midnight, and decide to fall right into a sound, peaceful sleep, I WILL.
He also said that every other action/behavior and subsequent related belief will fall into place and align with it.
Decide the root belief, and the others line up.
God said:
This will feel a little strange at first—(Me: heh heh, or it will if I’ve decided that it will) because it’s new and unfamiliar. But if you decide that it feels just right, it will.He said:
Watch what you say out loud, to others and to yourself, as well as what you think. If you can’t comfortably proclaim how great everything is because of how it might offend the people who are on perma-downers, then just respond neutrally but THINK it to yourself.Me: or... HA HA HA decide to. (I love me...) I think I’m really beginning to get it. No. Wait. I’ve decided that I’m beginning to get it. HAHAHAHAHA I have to stop laughing at the absurdity of this but it’s so true! And we don’t even realize it! Or, we decide not to! AGH make it stop—
Say: “Oh, I’m good”
but think: “I’m fantastic!!!” (and try to surreptitiously lift their beliefs/decisions as well if you can)—
~~~
As the full force of understanding of this concept sunk in, I found myself laughing. It's so simple, yet so difficult! (Or, as I said, it is if we decide... let's not go there again. It's an endless loop. Or could be. If...)
My challenge for today is to try this exercise: Add the phrase I’ve decided that to everything thought and said throughout the day.
So if I’m thinking to myself and I slip and say “Gosh, I’m tired today”, I have to catch it and say “Wait—so I’ve decided that I’m tired today? NO WAY! I’ve decided that I am full of energy today and well-rested!”
or
"I gotta clean the kitchen" becomes "I've decided to clean the kitchen"
"I'll never lose weight" becomes "I've decided I'll never lose weight... no, wait! I've decided I'm in the process of thinning down!"
I challenge YOU to try this as well. Get some paper. Mentally divide it into thirds. Make two columns: the left is one third of the page and the right is two-thirds wide. In the right (wider) column, write down every complaint, every "this is just how I am" that you have.
When your list is complete (and it will be—should be—far longer than this), add the words "I've decided that" to the front of every single line, in the left-hand column. Then read it out loud.
- I hate vacuuming.
- God, my house is a mess.
- People are annoying and they cannot drive.
- This TV show sucks.
- It'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but he never does.
- I love cats and chocolate!
- My boyfriend irritates me, he thinks I'm daft.
- Crap, I'm going to be late again.
- I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
- Don't drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
- That woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.
Does it sound as absurd to you as it does to me? They are all just beliefs, not truths! :-)
- I've decided that I hate vacuuming.
- I've decided that God, my house is a mess.
- I've decided that people are annoying and I've decided that they cannot drive.
- I've decided that this TV show sucks.
- I've decided that it'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but I've decided that he never does.
- I've decided that I love cats and chocolate!
- I've decided that my boyfriend irritates me, he's decided that he thinks I'm daft.
- I've decided that crap, I'm going to be late again.
- I've decided that I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
- I've decided that if you drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
- I've decided that that woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.
You can't change the current circumstances because they are the product of past decisions (or... have I just decided that you can't?), but you CAN change what you decide to bring into your life from now on. The second part of the exercise would be to go back and turn the negatives into positive opposites.
So far, I've decided that I'm happy—not that I'm going to be happy, but that I am right now; I've decided some other things pertaining to the house sales; and I've done a LOT of EFT tapping on other issues, unearthing some core issues I wasn't aware I had.
Life, I've decided, is great.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Getting to the Core Issue
And I'm back.
Finally, I broke down and opened up to Pat about why I was procrastinating, and we had a heart-to-heart about it (I’ll spare you the play-by-play). At the end, he asked why I was so afraid to do this with him watching. He said he was only judging me by where I was at at the time, not whether I was suitable at this point to be an instructor someday in the future, and he was mostly interested in making sure his program was working by observing student progress in this level.
I KNOW. Totally doesn’t make logical sense that I'd have such resistance to pursuing my goals whether lean or fat times. It’s those darned limiting beliefs!
So I was going to tap those away today when it suddenly hit me and danged if it isn’t based on a Parelli Principle:
It’s about the POSSIBILITY of any of those happening.
I finally hit my core issue.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that anything at all is possible for me. If I don’t even believe that things are possible for ME, nothing WILL be.
Lately I've been experimenting with tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). The articles available at emofree.com are fantastic and I've found a couple that really targeted the issues I’ve needed to resolve/eliminate. There are many resources online to teach you how to tap the points if you’re interested. Tapping.com is a good one, and there are some on emofree as well.
While reading the articles I'd downloaded and tapping away, I came up with a startling realization or two.
Revelation #1
Revelation #1
This came from a dream I had the other night. (I'm a Level Two student of Parelli Natural Horsemanship or PNH and I have two horses, so the dream was a bit based in reality.) My horse and I were at one of the Parelli Centers (but it looked like a futuristic movie set, beyond description, nothing like the real thing). My horse I were being instructed to perform the most bizarre tasks:
We had to go up a flight of huge, slick, wooden stairs (sort of like a mountain), then back down the other side.
Then we were on a plateau about one story up. I couldn’t figure out how to get down and move on to the next task and I was afraid if we jumped that far we’d die. The instructor said, "Hang on, I’ll get you down". He pushed a button—turned out we were on an elevator, and the remaining task had been to find the lever, get the horse to push it with his nose so the elevator lowered (while I was in the saddle!), then leave the platform, dismount, do Circling game transitions online, and that was it. If we had been able to do that, we would have passed (the class? a level of certification? it wasn't specified).
In the dream, all the other students knew the pattern already and what to do at each stop, but not me. I had to ask as we went. So I didn’t know HOW to do it, I winged it—at each stop, I’d say, what do I do? and they’d give minimal info like “go up the stairs and down the other side” but not say HOW it was supposed to be done. I didn’t have time to be scared until afterwards.
But since I didn’t pass, I had to do it again AFTER reading the pattern and finding out, “Oh. I don’t have to be riding him when we go up the stairs? Riding is upper level and I'm only required to lead him at this stage?” This shocked me because we were only at level whatever and we’d done an upper level task without realizing it. Not only did I have to redo the test, but I had to do it in the presence of Pat Parelli himself!
I was terrified, afraid I’d fail, suddenly afraid of the mountain we’d just crossed successfully without fear, and I was doing all sorts of dawdling/excuse-making to procrastinate.
Finally, I broke down and opened up to Pat about why I was procrastinating, and we had a heart-to-heart about it (I’ll spare you the play-by-play). At the end, he asked why I was so afraid to do this with him watching. He said he was only judging me by where I was at at the time, not whether I was suitable at this point to be an instructor someday in the future, and he was mostly interested in making sure his program was working by observing student progress in this level.
I said (in a very panicky whining sob), “Because you hold the key to my future. You decide whether I’ll be an instructor or not”.
Pat smiled gently and said “I’m not the one who decides if you’re a Parelli Instructor or not—YOU decide it.”
Of course, that was when I woke up. :-)
Well. Here's the big huge Revelation #1.
Nobody else decides our fate. WE decide. All anyone else ever does is go into agreement with what we have already decided—subconsciously.
Does that make sense?
NOBODY stops us. Nobody else gets in our way. There are no obstacles.
There is only that which we subconsciously and consciously desire, and the congruency or lack thereof between the two desires.
WE decide, subconsciously, what it is we truly desire to be, do, have, or experience. If, deep down/subconsciously, I really want to be/do/have/experience something, there is nothing I could say or do that will keep me from being/doing/having/experiencing it... because all of my conscious behaviors will align with my subconscious desires and I will automatically only say and do things that are also in alignment with my being/doing/having/experiencing that thing.
It also works in reverse. If subconsciously I don’t want to b/d/h/e something, no amount of conscious verbal intention-setting will change things because it will be out of alignment with my subconscious desires/beliefs, and it will automatically cause my conscious and subconscious behaviors to be out of alignment with it. I’ll do and/or say things that will sabotage it—then be mad at myself later for it (or, that was the pattern in the past, anyway!).
So say I go in for a job interview. I’m iffy about wanting the job. I go in and give my best presentation. I’m dressed right. I sell well. My portfolio is stellar. I say to the prospective boss with great enthusiasm and sincerity, because I truly believe consciously that I feel this, “Yes I really want to work for you!”
Meanwhile, my brain is saying: "but... I’d rather not. This job is boring. It’s a catalog of janitorial supplies, how fascinating is that? Please. I want to work on something interesting. But the money sounds pretty good, so I guess it will do for now.”
Do you think I get the job?
Pat smiled gently and said “I’m not the one who decides if you’re a Parelli Instructor or not—YOU decide it.”
Of course, that was when I woke up. :-)
Well. Here's the big huge Revelation #1.
Nobody else decides our fate. WE decide. All anyone else ever does is go into agreement with what we have already decided—subconsciously.
Does that make sense?
NOBODY stops us. Nobody else gets in our way. There are no obstacles.
There is only that which we subconsciously and consciously desire, and the congruency or lack thereof between the two desires.
WE decide, subconsciously, what it is we truly desire to be, do, have, or experience. If, deep down/subconsciously, I really want to be/do/have/experience something, there is nothing I could say or do that will keep me from being/doing/having/experiencing it... because all of my conscious behaviors will align with my subconscious desires and I will automatically only say and do things that are also in alignment with my being/doing/having/experiencing that thing.
It also works in reverse. If subconsciously I don’t want to b/d/h/e something, no amount of conscious verbal intention-setting will change things because it will be out of alignment with my subconscious desires/beliefs, and it will automatically cause my conscious and subconscious behaviors to be out of alignment with it. I’ll do and/or say things that will sabotage it—then be mad at myself later for it (or, that was the pattern in the past, anyway!).
So say I go in for a job interview. I’m iffy about wanting the job. I go in and give my best presentation. I’m dressed right. I sell well. My portfolio is stellar. I say to the prospective boss with great enthusiasm and sincerity, because I truly believe consciously that I feel this, “Yes I really want to work for you!”
Meanwhile, my brain is saying: "but... I’d rather not. This job is boring. It’s a catalog of janitorial supplies, how fascinating is that? Please. I want to work on something interesting. But the money sounds pretty good, so I guess it will do for now.”
Do you think I get the job?
NO. Because the boss’ subconscious hears my subconscious, from body language, verbal expressions, and other stuff it’s nearly impossible to hide (unless you’re Meryl Streep), and he agrees subconsciously. His insides say, “You’d rather not. You want to work on something interesting. OK. I’ll set you free so you can go do that.” He says later when he calls, “We’ve hired someone else.”
But I really want this (no I don’t)! Really! I do (even though it’s bad for me)! It will be fine, I’ll learn to love it (no I won’t, I’ll hate it and resent ever trying)! I can do this (are you sure? I kinda doubt it)!
There are no mistakes.
There are no failures.
There are only conscious behaviors that are out of alignment with our subconscious truths.
The second part of this is that the Universe, the World, God, whatever, only ever says YES to us. It says yes to our TRUE (subconscious) desires. But sometimes the Universe's Yes sounds like NO or looks like an obstacle preventing us from doing/being/having/experiencing when it isn't an obstacle. The Universe doesn't say no to us. It says "yes" to the "no" we've already told ourselves.
Let that sink in a minute...
The trick is that sometimes we're telling ourselves "no" but we aren't sure why. Those are limiting beliefs. It’s faulty programming. It comes from parents, schools, the media, etcetera—what we’ve been consciously or subconsciously exposed to throughout our life has implanted messages that may or may not (usually are not) be true about us or what we desire.
But I really want this (no I don’t)! Really! I do (even though it’s bad for me)! It will be fine, I’ll learn to love it (no I won’t, I’ll hate it and resent ever trying)! I can do this (are you sure? I kinda doubt it)!
There are no mistakes.
There are no failures.
There are only conscious behaviors that are out of alignment with our subconscious truths.
The second part of this is that the Universe, the World, God, whatever, only ever says YES to us. It says yes to our TRUE (subconscious) desires. But sometimes the Universe's Yes sounds like NO or looks like an obstacle preventing us from doing/being/having/experiencing when it isn't an obstacle. The Universe doesn't say no to us. It says "yes" to the "no" we've already told ourselves.
Let that sink in a minute...
The trick is that sometimes we're telling ourselves "no" but we aren't sure why. Those are limiting beliefs. It’s faulty programming. It comes from parents, schools, the media, etcetera—what we’ve been consciously or subconsciously exposed to throughout our life has implanted messages that may or may not (usually are not) be true about us or what we desire.
They are insidious. They are input without our realization or conscious permission, and grow like patches of unwanted weeds amongst the flowered field of our desired desires. But they can be eliminated. We have to locate them and turn them around. We have to re-seed the subconscious with the desired desires, and make sure the subconscious and conscious desires align perfectly.
After that, the Universe still says YES, but it starts to sound like yes to us and the obstacles are turned into opportunities.
That was Revelation #1 this weekend: that only I decide what I am, and everyone else just agrees with my decision on a subconscious level.
Revelation #2 came after tapping on the Top Ten Money Issues and pretty much clearing them out. My brain was hypnotized all night with the thought “I have plenty of money right now and more is on the way”.
After that, the Universe still says YES, but it starts to sound like yes to us and the obstacles are turned into opportunities.
That was Revelation #1 this weekend: that only I decide what I am, and everyone else just agrees with my decision on a subconscious level.
Revelation #2 came after tapping on the Top Ten Money Issues and pretty much clearing them out. My brain was hypnotized all night with the thought “I have plenty of money right now and more is on the way”.
Following a decent but short night's sleep (only slept 5 hours), I woke up, had coffee. While I was looking over the article about tapping for a successful house sale, I was thinking about what else I needed to tap on.
For example, I have an underlying guilt issue about having horses in my current state of liberation from the workforce and financial circumstances because I was always taught from an early age that:
- horse ownership is the domain of the wealthy
- we can’t afford it (even though Dad more than adequately supported us on one salary)
- it’s all about fun and you’re only allowed to have fun after the “important” things are taken care of
- you can’t make money in horses
- horses will drain your income away
- clinics are extravagant
- the idea that I could ever become a Parelli Professional and make money at this is completely impossible and ridiculous
That’s why when the bank account dips low, I avoid the barn, and when it’s on the upswing, I spend more time out there "indulging myself".
Please note, for those of you who don't know much about me yet, I'm very serious about my PNH goals. My biggest conflict has been between pursuing my old, worn-out musical goals versus pursuing the newer horsemanship goals because people, I did not grow up on a farm around horses, I always wanted them and came to them in my 30s, and some find this incongruent with my having the dream of being a horse "trainer". However, the PNH method teaches how to understand horse psychology and behavior, and once you have that and can communicate with them (also taught), you can very likely "train" (we say "develop") horses to a high level (including championship performance/show level). My original dream was to be a horse trainer; but I was steered into music largely because my Mother had severe allergies—her worst trigger was... horses.
I KNOW. Totally doesn’t make logical sense that I'd have such resistance to pursuing my goals whether lean or fat times. It’s those darned limiting beliefs!
So I was going to tap those away today when it suddenly hit me and danged if it isn’t based on a Parelli Principle:
It’s not about the ___________.It’s not about the horses.It’s not about the money.It’s not about the home sales.
It’s about the POSSIBILITY of any of those happening.
I finally hit my core issue.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that anything at all is possible for me. If I don’t even believe that things are possible for ME, nothing WILL be.
My belief structure has been:
- nobody could possibly want the house in the estate, especially now that it’s burnt (except me)
- nobody could possibly want my personal home, because it’s only half-finished (except me), and I never felt completely safe there (which is true)
- nobody could possibly want to buy my other horse, a mare, because of her special needs (except me—she's insulin-resistant and sugar overload like from sweet feed causes temporary but severe lameness and she's on a strict sugar-free diet and health plan that some might find prohibitive)
- all the stuff I’m selling in the garage sale is my cast-offs, and nobody could possibly want this crap (except me)
You know when it really hit me? When I caught my brain in action. Last night, I set myself up to monitor my brain’s mumblings and turned up the volume on them. This is what I heard going on in the background as I was consciously focusing on some other thought:
My brain had already decided, without even consulting me, that we will be utterly broke in a month or close to it, and absolutely nothing will have changed by then! (among other things)
It doesn’t matter how erroneous this is or that there are all kinds of things I can do and am doing to head it off at the pass. The point is, my brain did not even consider or acknowledge the possibility that ANYTHING could change before then to make the scenario it’s presenting totally irrelevant. It has already decided that “this”, the current circumstances, is how things “are”, and will remain as such, and the estate will never close, the houses will never sell, I’ll never get another job, and so on.
It’s eliminated all possibility from my life and I do not know why. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN HAS BEEN SENDING OUT FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO!!! It has already planned for us to have no money come October. It's been doing this all year—putting me on a rollercoaster of panic followed by relief followed by panic, relief, rinse and repeat. What has manifested as a result has been nearly going broke (panic), then something comes through (relief), then back to almost broke, then back to relief. Over and over. I must've done something right because the last relief effort was 10 times the first couple of reliefs, but still.
“Let’s see... we have X in the account right now, we have about X to pay out in bills, clinic fees, transport, hotels, food, board, and probably that forbearance money on the personal home will be due since the house won’t be sold by then, so... since it’s not going to stretch that far, we have to start figuring out whose payments will be delayed, how to get out of some of them, what to dump, who to talk to first, maybe working off board, might have to just accept that we’ll lose the one house, it’s too bad we have to go to that clinic but it would cost more to cancel then to go, so...”I was shocked. Rewind... replay... what?!?
My brain had already decided, without even consulting me, that we will be utterly broke in a month or close to it, and absolutely nothing will have changed by then! (among other things)
It doesn’t matter how erroneous this is or that there are all kinds of things I can do and am doing to head it off at the pass. The point is, my brain did not even consider or acknowledge the possibility that ANYTHING could change before then to make the scenario it’s presenting totally irrelevant. It has already decided that “this”, the current circumstances, is how things “are”, and will remain as such, and the estate will never close, the houses will never sell, I’ll never get another job, and so on.
It’s eliminated all possibility from my life and I do not know why. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN HAS BEEN SENDING OUT FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO!!! It has already planned for us to have no money come October. It's been doing this all year—putting me on a rollercoaster of panic followed by relief followed by panic, relief, rinse and repeat. What has manifested as a result has been nearly going broke (panic), then something comes through (relief), then back to almost broke, then back to relief. Over and over. I must've done something right because the last relief effort was 10 times the first couple of reliefs, but still.
My brain simply doesn’t pay any attention to my CONSCIOUS proclamations that:
- things can change in an instant
- things have changed in an instant, several times already, in both directions
- houses do sell in a rough economy
- some people are looking for remodeling projects rather than HGTV House Hunter/Curb Appeal perfection
- even if the mare wouldn’t be appropriate for a serious PNH student with high level goals such as me or as a performance horse, she’s perfectly suited to be an equine backyard babysitter, a first horse, a companion animal, maybe even a brood mare if her lameness isn’t hereditary
- a smart, capable person such as myself is quite readily employable in a variety of positions regardless of my background or the economic condition
- the estate is eventually going to close
- people really DO win the lottery, maybe not the jackpot as much but every drawing at least 5 people get the five of five and win $250k so it IS possible
...and so on.
My brain waves it away, says “Yeah, yeah, whatever... OK so we have this much right now, and in a month or so depending on this or that, we’ll be broke again, so the first call we’ll make is...”
Unbelievable.
But this is good news. Because awareness of the problem is the first step to eliminating it. Now that I know the core issue, I can tap on THAT. I can work on eliminating THAT limiting belief and reframe it and implant a NEW, positive belief. I can change the brain! Muhwahahahaaaa!
No, really. I have it worked out.
First, I'll tap on this set up phrase: Even though I believe there are no possibilities for me, I completely love and accept myself.
Second, I'll tap on: Even though I am still believing, I now choose to release that there are no possibilities for me.
Lastly, I'll tap on this: I am now believing and radiating these truths:
My brain waves it away, says “Yeah, yeah, whatever... OK so we have this much right now, and in a month or so depending on this or that, we’ll be broke again, so the first call we’ll make is...”
Unbelievable.
But this is good news. Because awareness of the problem is the first step to eliminating it. Now that I know the core issue, I can tap on THAT. I can work on eliminating THAT limiting belief and reframe it and implant a NEW, positive belief.
No, really. I have it worked out.
First, I'll tap on this set up phrase: Even though I believe there are no possibilities for me, I completely love and accept myself.
Second, I'll tap on: Even though I am still believing, I now choose to release that there are no possibilities for me.
Lastly, I'll tap on this: I am now believing and radiating these truths:
- I am grateful that this is a Universe of limitless possibility and abundance
- I am grateful for all of God’s Blessings
- I am ready for and worthy of all good things coming to me now
- I now choose to experience limitless possibility in all areas of my life
I will let you know how it goes.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Life and...
If you found out you had a terminal illness and had only a short time left to live, how would your life change? What things would you eliminate from your life, and what things would you focus on?
No, I'm fine. No worries there. But the concept was floating around in my mind this morning, so I played with it a bit. Here's what I discovered—my life as I'm currently living it is out of alignment with how I'd live it if I found out I only had one or two years to live.
If my time were short, this is what I would do:
My dreams of world travel seem unimportant, because what is the point of making memories to last a lifetime if my lifetime isn't going to last? Unless they were trips taken with the ones I'm leaving behind, so they can remember for both of us. But suddenly, other than visiting the Holy Land (for obvious reasons) and traveling to be with friends and family, seeing the Taj Mahal, Australia, and Morocco have lost their importance. So have things like weight loss, becoming a rock star (fame/fortune), making lots of money, being perfectly organized, sorting all the chaos, etc.
It's a rather interesting perspective.
Good thing I'm not suffering from a terminal illness, isn't it? Whew!
Oh.
But wait.
LIFE is terminal.
Forgot that, didn't you?
Doesn't matter if you have a better idea of the possible expiration date stamped on your body or not—we are ALL terminal. Some are, unfortunately, more aware of it than others (and I'm sensitive to that, having lost my Mother to a very aggressive cancer).
So why are we living as if THIS is eternity? I have news for you—it's not. This is merely a blip on the eternal radar. Any one of us reading—or writing—this could be called away at any time, with or without warning.
Doesn't it make more sense to do as Tim McGraw says in his song, and "Live Like You Were Dying?"
Well, what are you waiting for?
No, I'm fine. No worries there. But the concept was floating around in my mind this morning, so I played with it a bit. Here's what I discovered—my life as I'm currently living it is out of alignment with how I'd live it if I found out I only had one or two years to live.
If my time were short, this is what I would do:
- finish my music (finish writing, recording and producing my songs, make a CD or two)
- get right with God and seriously focus on my spirituality so I'd feel confident about where I'm going in the next stage
- spend a lot of time enjoying my friends and family, human and otherwise
- ride my horse frequently on the trails, play with him, progress in our horsemanship as far as we can take it but without worrying about passing Levels (if we do, we do; if we don't, no biggie)
- make sure all the preparations are in order so I'll be ushered into the next life the way I want to be (sweat pants, Steve Perry t-shirt, socks and slippers, and no underwear because I refuse to have wedgies or wear underwire for all eternity) and to make sure that people get what I want them to have
My dreams of world travel seem unimportant, because what is the point of making memories to last a lifetime if my lifetime isn't going to last? Unless they were trips taken with the ones I'm leaving behind, so they can remember for both of us. But suddenly, other than visiting the Holy Land (for obvious reasons) and traveling to be with friends and family, seeing the Taj Mahal, Australia, and Morocco have lost their importance. So have things like weight loss, becoming a rock star (fame/fortune), making lots of money, being perfectly organized, sorting all the chaos, etc.
It's a rather interesting perspective.
Good thing I'm not suffering from a terminal illness, isn't it? Whew!
Oh.
But wait.
LIFE is terminal.
Forgot that, didn't you?
Doesn't matter if you have a better idea of the possible expiration date stamped on your body or not—we are ALL terminal. Some are, unfortunately, more aware of it than others (and I'm sensitive to that, having lost my Mother to a very aggressive cancer).
So why are we living as if THIS is eternity? I have news for you—it's not. This is merely a blip on the eternal radar. Any one of us reading—or writing—this could be called away at any time, with or without warning.
Doesn't it make more sense to do as Tim McGraw says in his song, and "Live Like You Were Dying?"
Well, what are you waiting for?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Judgement Calls
A wise man once instructed that when one is teaching horses a new concept, they will often have a sort of break down right before they have a break through. They can become frustrated, panicky and otherwise unmanageable for a brief period—then suddenly, they change, and they "get it".
Refer to my previous post for the break down portion of my own understanding.
The situation has evened out. I nearly wrote that it had gotten "better"—but in light of what I just read and am currently marinating in from Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, the word "better" is not necessarily applicable.
Tolle relates on page 196 the story of a man who experienced events that we would term as fortunate and unfortunate, but the man's response was always "maybe". Such as "Wow, you won a car in the lottery, isn't that great?"
"Maybe..."
Then he got hit by a drunk driver and wound up in the hospital—terrible, isn't it?
"Maybe..."
Or maybe not, given what happened next in the story (while in hospital, his house was destroyed in a landslide that would have killed him had he been home).
Then Tolle relates the story about Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti who said his secret is "I don't mind what happens."
We would read that as "I don't care", indicating a lack of interest in a callous way. But now, I read it as not minding—not mentally judging what happens, rather, accepting what IS as it is without judgement. It is being in alignment internally with whatever happens. As Tolle points out, this does not mean we can't take action toward manifesting change; rather,
Too often, we judge situations as good or bad. We speak often of "blessings in disguise"—is that what they are? Or is it that we misjudged the situation as bad, but after witnessing how it connected to later events that had a more beneficial (again, judging) outcome, we see the benefit of the supposedly "bad" situation?
Is a blessing in disguise merely a misjudged situation?
So the estate has been open a year and a half longer than it "should" have. Bad?
Maybe...
And the house caught fire. Terrible! Right?
Maybe...
Maybe not.
Look at gas prices. The world protests, people are upset at how high they have gotten. It's just awful how expensive it has become to drive a car, hasn't it?
Or has it?
One report says that the percentage of traffic accidents has dropped.
People are becoming, out of necessity, more environmentally aware. They are trading in the SUVs for smaller cars; manufacturers are putting more effort into developing automobiles that can run on alternative energy sources that won't deplete our natural resources or harm the environment.
We are staying home with our families, playing in the back yard, as opposed to flying the kids to a theme park for detached entertainment.
We carpool more or even better, we take public transportation or bike/walk to work.
We are rethinking our priorities.
Not to misjudge the situation, but... doesn't this seem like a positive thing? Perhaps this is the Universe's way of balancing out the imbalances.
Refer to my previous post for the break down portion of my own understanding.
The situation has evened out. I nearly wrote that it had gotten "better"—but in light of what I just read and am currently marinating in from Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, the word "better" is not necessarily applicable.
Tolle relates on page 196 the story of a man who experienced events that we would term as fortunate and unfortunate, but the man's response was always "maybe". Such as "Wow, you won a car in the lottery, isn't that great?"
"Maybe..."
Then he got hit by a drunk driver and wound up in the hospital—terrible, isn't it?
"Maybe..."
Or maybe not, given what happened next in the story (while in hospital, his house was destroyed in a landslide that would have killed him had he been home).
Then Tolle relates the story about Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti who said his secret is "I don't mind what happens."
We would read that as "I don't care", indicating a lack of interest in a callous way. But now, I read it as not minding—not mentally judging what happens, rather, accepting what IS as it is without judgement. It is being in alignment internally with whatever happens. As Tolle points out, this does not mean we can't take action toward manifesting change; rather,
When the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself.
(Tolle, A New Earth, p. 199)
Too often, we judge situations as good or bad. We speak often of "blessings in disguise"—is that what they are? Or is it that we misjudged the situation as bad, but after witnessing how it connected to later events that had a more beneficial (again, judging) outcome, we see the benefit of the supposedly "bad" situation?
Is a blessing in disguise merely a misjudged situation?
So the estate has been open a year and a half longer than it "should" have. Bad?
Maybe...
And the house caught fire. Terrible! Right?
Maybe...
Maybe not.
Look at gas prices. The world protests, people are upset at how high they have gotten. It's just awful how expensive it has become to drive a car, hasn't it?
Or has it?
One report says that the percentage of traffic accidents has dropped.
People are becoming, out of necessity, more environmentally aware. They are trading in the SUVs for smaller cars; manufacturers are putting more effort into developing automobiles that can run on alternative energy sources that won't deplete our natural resources or harm the environment.
We are staying home with our families, playing in the back yard, as opposed to flying the kids to a theme park for detached entertainment.
We carpool more or even better, we take public transportation or bike/walk to work.
We are rethinking our priorities.
Not to misjudge the situation, but... doesn't this seem like a positive thing? Perhaps this is the Universe's way of balancing out the imbalances.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Excuses to Run
Tom Volkar had an interesting post today on excuses.
I'm with him on this.
But for me, I was overtaken earlier with the most uncomfortable feeling—I call it the Crawlies. It's a restlessness that can only be described as wanting to rip my skin off and run like hell, far, far away. I've traced it back to feeling extreme pressure from the obligations imposed upon me.
So I went and sat outside in the sunshine for a good hour. (OK, five minutes in the sun, the rest in the shade because I was starting to smoke. Kidding. Kind of.)
I feel calmer now. But still somewhat restless. There are so many obligations. Too many. I have become consumed by them. The past 2.8 years of my life have been about these obligations—the decline and deaths of my parents, the estate settlement, the real estate (three houses: Grandma's which is being sold from the estate, my personal home which is being sold because I no longer live in it, and the parental home that is mortgage-free that I now live in though the deed has yet to be transferred), the "stuff"(parental leavings and my own material chaos), the finances, now the fire at Grandma's and the insurance issues and investigation, the legal issues with regard to the estate...
The endless worry, the hours spent in offices waiting, waiting, waiting... it began with hours in doctor's offices then hours in emergency rooms, then hours in the nursing home, then hours in the lawyer's and the insurance company and the bank... hours of contracts, of negotiations, of arguments with no resolution in sight, and on it has gone from December 2005 to today. At the end of the day I find myself exhausted from the stress that has become my self-definition.
My life, my truth, what defines ME, has become swallowed up by these things, and they are NOT my obligations. They were inherited by me. They were thrust upon me without my permission, and they are obligations that must be seen through to the end, which was supposed to have happened by all accounts months ago and seems to drag into eternity, winding down in increments.
I cannot walk away.
Or...
...can I?
I wonder... what would be the worst thing to happen if I did?
If I said to my sister, I have been the active go-to gal for all of the estate-related stuff for 2.8 years—you've been the passive one whose duties include nothing but speaking vetos and stalling and resisting and co-signing checks and demanding equal distribution without coming up with a logical way to make that happen and reminding me constantly of what other estate issue I need to figure out how to solve next, then after handing me the enormous checklist of stuff you've "delegated" to me due to proximity, as an afterthought making the laughable suggestion that it's time for me to look for a job (as if there's time for both—honey, don't you realize, this IS my job?)—
Well, dear sister, how about YOU take over the active role from here on out?
What would you say? I would say, You wanted equality, HERE, you do it for the next 2.8 years and we'll be equal... but what would YOU say?
Would you say, Oh, no, you're doing such a great job, you keep doing it? Would you say, Oh, I can't possibly, because I have a job and therefore am exempt but you, you're still unemployed, you have all the free time necessary to do it? (as if my dreams and desires have no importance at all) Or would you say, Sure, glad to, please go live your own life for a change, you have gone above and beyond and it's my turn now?
Would you be surprised, if you did take over these duties, to discover that there is now no time in your day to devote to your vitally-important day job, that every waking hour manages to be devoured by little errands that shouldn't, in theory, take more than a few minutes but always wind up occupying considerably longer chunks of your day than you ever thought possible?
I mean, how long does it take to close three accounts and transfer the funds into an estate account? Ten minutes, right?
Try an HOUR. One whole hour of my precious life yesterday spent sitting alone in a banker's office while they hunt down signature cards, make calls to corporate to remove the dormancy status, to fill out paperwork... and that's just ONE of the many "little errands" that I'm saddled with as the active executress of this estate. There are dozens of them, and once complete, another dozen crop up to take their place.
But I'm unemployed, so I have nothing better to do with my time, right?
And would you be surprised, dear sister, and just how long it actually takes to sort through, all by yourself, 60 years' worth of accumulated STUFF that has to be distributed and set aside because SOME people might want some of it but they can't come look at it right now because of their all-important jobs and families so just set it somewhere until it's convenient? Would you be surprised at the sheer volume of boxes it can occupy? Would you be surprised by the discontent you feel at being surrounded for months by box upon box of stuff? Never mind sorting your OWN accumulations.
This is what happens when a person with a fairly saturated three-bedroom, one basement, one garage home has to move it all overnight (because of the terminal diagnosis and caretaking needs of another following the death of the spouse) into another three-bedroom, no basement, no garage home that is already saturated with the detritus of TWO people who have lived for more than 80 years each and have kept everything they've acquired along the way in no particular state of logical organization so that whomever winds up with it has to sort through and separate each piece of junk mingled in with the "important" stuff.
Yes, I realize I've succumbed to trading good grammatical sentence structure in favor of a string of horrible run-on sentences, but this is what happens during a stream-of-consciousness rant. Get over it.
What would happen if I just said NO MORE to all of this?
What would happen if I just started chucking stuff, packed up the stuff in the house that's important to ME and only me, and moved to my target city, just all of a sudden? No warning, no explanation? Took a job, dropped this nonsense like a hot potato? Left the detritus behind for someone else to deal with? Pursued my dreams and forgot all about real estate? Allowed my personal house to fall victim to foreclosure if it didn't sell quickly enough to allow me to recoup my costs? Prioritized the activities that lead to MY dreams, MY life, MY happiness? Just let someone else take over?
What's the worst that could happen if I let go of all of this and ran?
Would the world come to an end?
No.
Would nobody else be able to figure this out?
No. Others are just as capable of asking questions and ferreting out information as I am. It helps that I'm in the same city as the estate lawyer, but the estate house that's being sold is 200 miles south of here. The other house I'm selling is 30 miles north of here. I've been handling most of my business long distance, anyway. Certainly someone who is 300 miles from both places (the sister) could handle it just as readily. Certainly if I were 500 miles away in my new home, I could still manage to sell my old house.
What is the worst that could happen? Is my proximity to all of this really THAT necessary? Is it necessary for me to sacrifice my well-being and happiness to fulfill these unwanted obligations?
Maybe it fell to me because my abilities are more geared towards such stuff. Maybe it would fall to ruin if my sister tried to do it. (I have evidence that her abilities are better suited to other things.) But certainly situations such as this have been handled by less-qualified individuals before...
Or perhaps I could still perform my duties at the lowest level possible, despite having relocated?
The downside would be, I'd have a third empty property to worry about, AND I'd have the addition of my new residence elsewhere. I'd be adding a property even if it is a rental unit. I'm already overwhelmed trying to keep up with paying the insurance on three houses, the property taxes on two (though some of it comes from the estate), the utilities on three (basic necessities must be intact like electric/water when selling, plus my personal utilties), and so on. And that's without a job. Living on dwindling savings, waiting for the properties to sell so the estate can wrap up so I can be blessed with the financial windfall that's been earmarked for me for years now and so I can finally be free to get a career going again and be self-sufficient, rebuild my reserves.
My rainy day fund? It rained so hard these past two years that now I'm down to the last drops and there's a drought ahead. It absolutely must improve soon. Every time I try to focus on activities and actions toward my career goals or even a basic job hunt, that damned estate pops up and distracts me and yet another crisis demands my attention until the day is gone.
I need a nap all of a sudden. Maybe running isn't the solution. But... no matter how much I've visualized, set intentions, or prayed, it seems to be taking forever. What I really need to have happen is the elimination of two of the three properties. I don't need to add a fourth, I need to be relieved of two of the three! BE GONE! BE SOLD! Free me!!! LET ME GO!
Then I'll be free to run.
I'm with him on this.
But for me, I was overtaken earlier with the most uncomfortable feeling—I call it the Crawlies. It's a restlessness that can only be described as wanting to rip my skin off and run like hell, far, far away. I've traced it back to feeling extreme pressure from the obligations imposed upon me.
So I went and sat outside in the sunshine for a good hour. (OK, five minutes in the sun, the rest in the shade because I was starting to smoke. Kidding. Kind of.)
I feel calmer now. But still somewhat restless. There are so many obligations. Too many. I have become consumed by them. The past 2.8 years of my life have been about these obligations—the decline and deaths of my parents, the estate settlement, the real estate (three houses: Grandma's which is being sold from the estate, my personal home which is being sold because I no longer live in it, and the parental home that is mortgage-free that I now live in though the deed has yet to be transferred), the "stuff"(parental leavings and my own material chaos), the finances, now the fire at Grandma's and the insurance issues and investigation, the legal issues with regard to the estate...
The endless worry, the hours spent in offices waiting, waiting, waiting... it began with hours in doctor's offices then hours in emergency rooms, then hours in the nursing home, then hours in the lawyer's and the insurance company and the bank... hours of contracts, of negotiations, of arguments with no resolution in sight, and on it has gone from December 2005 to today. At the end of the day I find myself exhausted from the stress that has become my self-definition.
My life, my truth, what defines ME, has become swallowed up by these things, and they are NOT my obligations. They were inherited by me. They were thrust upon me without my permission, and they are obligations that must be seen through to the end, which was supposed to have happened by all accounts months ago and seems to drag into eternity, winding down in increments.
I cannot walk away.
Or...
...can I?
I wonder... what would be the worst thing to happen if I did?
If I said to my sister, I have been the active go-to gal for all of the estate-related stuff for 2.8 years—you've been the passive one whose duties include nothing but speaking vetos and stalling and resisting and co-signing checks and demanding equal distribution without coming up with a logical way to make that happen and reminding me constantly of what other estate issue I need to figure out how to solve next, then after handing me the enormous checklist of stuff you've "delegated" to me due to proximity, as an afterthought making the laughable suggestion that it's time for me to look for a job (as if there's time for both—honey, don't you realize, this IS my job?)—
Well, dear sister, how about YOU take over the active role from here on out?
What would you say? I would say, You wanted equality, HERE, you do it for the next 2.8 years and we'll be equal... but what would YOU say?
Would you say, Oh, no, you're doing such a great job, you keep doing it? Would you say, Oh, I can't possibly, because I have a job and therefore am exempt but you, you're still unemployed, you have all the free time necessary to do it? (as if my dreams and desires have no importance at all) Or would you say, Sure, glad to, please go live your own life for a change, you have gone above and beyond and it's my turn now?
Would you be surprised, if you did take over these duties, to discover that there is now no time in your day to devote to your vitally-important day job, that every waking hour manages to be devoured by little errands that shouldn't, in theory, take more than a few minutes but always wind up occupying considerably longer chunks of your day than you ever thought possible?
I mean, how long does it take to close three accounts and transfer the funds into an estate account? Ten minutes, right?
Try an HOUR. One whole hour of my precious life yesterday spent sitting alone in a banker's office while they hunt down signature cards, make calls to corporate to remove the dormancy status, to fill out paperwork... and that's just ONE of the many "little errands" that I'm saddled with as the active executress of this estate. There are dozens of them, and once complete, another dozen crop up to take their place.
But I'm unemployed, so I have nothing better to do with my time, right?
And would you be surprised, dear sister, and just how long it actually takes to sort through, all by yourself, 60 years' worth of accumulated STUFF that has to be distributed and set aside because SOME people might want some of it but they can't come look at it right now because of their all-important jobs and families so just set it somewhere until it's convenient? Would you be surprised at the sheer volume of boxes it can occupy? Would you be surprised by the discontent you feel at being surrounded for months by box upon box of stuff? Never mind sorting your OWN accumulations.
This is what happens when a person with a fairly saturated three-bedroom, one basement, one garage home has to move it all overnight (because of the terminal diagnosis and caretaking needs of another following the death of the spouse) into another three-bedroom, no basement, no garage home that is already saturated with the detritus of TWO people who have lived for more than 80 years each and have kept everything they've acquired along the way in no particular state of logical organization so that whomever winds up with it has to sort through and separate each piece of junk mingled in with the "important" stuff.
Yes, I realize I've succumbed to trading good grammatical sentence structure in favor of a string of horrible run-on sentences, but this is what happens during a stream-of-consciousness rant. Get over it.
What would happen if I just said NO MORE to all of this?
What would happen if I just started chucking stuff, packed up the stuff in the house that's important to ME and only me, and moved to my target city, just all of a sudden? No warning, no explanation? Took a job, dropped this nonsense like a hot potato? Left the detritus behind for someone else to deal with? Pursued my dreams and forgot all about real estate? Allowed my personal house to fall victim to foreclosure if it didn't sell quickly enough to allow me to recoup my costs? Prioritized the activities that lead to MY dreams, MY life, MY happiness? Just let someone else take over?
What's the worst that could happen if I let go of all of this and ran?
Would the world come to an end?
No.
Would nobody else be able to figure this out?
No. Others are just as capable of asking questions and ferreting out information as I am. It helps that I'm in the same city as the estate lawyer, but the estate house that's being sold is 200 miles south of here. The other house I'm selling is 30 miles north of here. I've been handling most of my business long distance, anyway. Certainly someone who is 300 miles from both places (the sister) could handle it just as readily. Certainly if I were 500 miles away in my new home, I could still manage to sell my old house.
What is the worst that could happen? Is my proximity to all of this really THAT necessary? Is it necessary for me to sacrifice my well-being and happiness to fulfill these unwanted obligations?
Maybe it fell to me because my abilities are more geared towards such stuff. Maybe it would fall to ruin if my sister tried to do it. (I have evidence that her abilities are better suited to other things.) But certainly situations such as this have been handled by less-qualified individuals before...
Or perhaps I could still perform my duties at the lowest level possible, despite having relocated?
The downside would be, I'd have a third empty property to worry about, AND I'd have the addition of my new residence elsewhere. I'd be adding a property even if it is a rental unit. I'm already overwhelmed trying to keep up with paying the insurance on three houses, the property taxes on two (though some of it comes from the estate), the utilities on three (basic necessities must be intact like electric/water when selling, plus my personal utilties), and so on. And that's without a job. Living on dwindling savings, waiting for the properties to sell so the estate can wrap up so I can be blessed with the financial windfall that's been earmarked for me for years now and so I can finally be free to get a career going again and be self-sufficient, rebuild my reserves.
My rainy day fund? It rained so hard these past two years that now I'm down to the last drops and there's a drought ahead. It absolutely must improve soon. Every time I try to focus on activities and actions toward my career goals or even a basic job hunt, that damned estate pops up and distracts me and yet another crisis demands my attention until the day is gone.
I need a nap all of a sudden. Maybe running isn't the solution. But... no matter how much I've visualized, set intentions, or prayed, it seems to be taking forever. What I really need to have happen is the elimination of two of the three properties. I don't need to add a fourth, I need to be relieved of two of the three! BE GONE! BE SOLD! Free me!!! LET ME GO!
Then I'll be free to run.
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