Are You Celebrating Future Abundance, or Poverty?

I'm a regular recipient of Carol Look's Attracting Abundance Newsletter and a recent mailing ("Celebrate Your Future Abundance") caught my attention in a big way. (To subscribe, visit http://www.attractingabundance.com/)

Carol wrote:

The fantasy of abundance is as real vibrationally
as the reality of abundance.

In this instance, "fantasy" refers to the image inside our minds, the vision we hold, as opposed to "reality", which is what we believe we are actually experiencing right now. The energetic vibrations of the image we visualize (fantasy) of whatever it is we desire is just as real as the energetic vibrations of the "reality" we see in front of us.

Well. That got me thinking. I realized that this applies to negative vibrations and visualizations as well as positive ones. Whatever image we hold within our minds carries a vibration. It would follow, naturally, that:

The fantasy of poverty is also as real vibrationally
as the reality of poverty.

If this doesn't cause you to stand up and take notice of your thought processes, nothing will.

Carol encourages us to:

Build [your] abundance by practicing how it will feel when you are enjoying your future abundance in your present time.

Doesn't this feel better than the idea of building your poverty by practicing how it will feel when you are suffering your future poverty in your present time? But wait—

Isn't that exactly what you're doing when you're worrying (about money, health, gas prices, the economy, etc.)?

OH.

I believe I've just had a major BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious). You, too?

Please Stand By

It's 1970-something. As happened every so often in the early days of color analog TV, the station I'd been watching lost its broadcast capabilities for the moment and went off the air. Technicolor bars appeared in place of the cartoons I'd been watching, followed by a high-pitched "oooooo" signaling the disruption. The words flashed on the screen,

EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

I immediately stood up and took up my position next to the TV.

My Mother, in the next room ironing Dad's shirts, looked up from her work and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm standing by, like it said."

She uttered a single snort of laughter, her face registering resignation and acceptance as it would many times throughout my childhood, and said, "Oh honey. Don't be silly. That's not what it meant."

I was confused. "Well that's what it SAYS. It says 'stand by', so I'm standing by. What else could it mean?"

She set the iron on its edge, both hands on the ironing surface, smoothing out the shirt. "What do you think it means? It doesn't mean 'go stand by the television', it means 'they're having problems, please wait while they fix it'. The obvious thing."

It certainly wasn't obvious to me. What was obvious to me was that when someone said "please stand by", they meant "go and stand by whatever it is that needs to be stood by until otherwise notified".

To think it meant otherwise was to infer my own meaning and interpretation into it. In my youth, still only a few years into this life experience disconnected from the cosmic energy from which I came, interpretation had not yet been learned. I took things literally. I understood the words to mean exactly what the words themselves meant, in the most basic, obvious, literal way.

It wasn't until much later in life that I learned that words can have multiple meanings, in some cases far different from their original intent. It was even later that I learned the effect this can have on one's life.

The human brain is a primitive construct. Its basic function is to regulate the body's systems so that we stay alive. It reacts and responds to positive and negative stimuli in order to protect its human and sustain life. It's known as the amygdala, also known as the "lizard brain". It operates in isolation from our thinking brain (our intelligence or intellect) and runs on auto-pilot.

The human brain, and the Universe, are incapable of making inferences. The human brain and the energies of the Universe function in the same way as my childhood mind did. They do not infer, they do not read meaning into words. They interpret them verbatim. As written. As spoken. Never mind your intention.

To the Universe, to the unlearned lizard brain, it would make perfect sense to go stand by the TV when the TV asked you to. Because that is what the words SAID.

It is not until we develop intellect and intelligence, which are separate from the base functioning of the human brain, that we learn to infer and assign alternate meanings and begin to read into and decide for ourselves what we think the person's words really meant.

Hence our planet is full of rampant miscommunication. Hence we always get what we ask for, but rarely do we get what we really want, really meant to get, or get it in the way we wanted it.

Because the brain that uses our thoughts to direct our actions does not infer. It hears the words we think and say, and it "goes and stands by until further notice". Because the Universe, which gathers the energies of our words and thoughts and manifests it into physical matter, does not infer. It hears the words we think and say, and it "goes and stands by until further notice", too.

So when life is going haywire, you set a perfectly reasonable intention for a better outcome. You craft it very carefully, using all you've learned from NLP and knowing what words are more beneficial. You avoid shooting yourself in the foot by sending out the negative opposite of what you really want ("I am a nonsmoker" is the intention; the negative opposite is "I don't want to smoke anymore"). You stay focused on it, you hold it in your mind, you meditate, and so on.

And nothing seems to happen. Life is stagnant, as usual. And then you begin to feel that little niggling doubt poking at the corner of your mind. You grow a bit uncertain. You wonder if it's ever going to really happen.

"NO!" you cry out. "I set my intention and that's what I'm sticking to". You reaffirm. You feel stronger. And life goes on.

And once again, the worry and doubt gradually increase, turning into panic and hesitation and then fear.

Out of desperation to get yourself back on the affirmation track, you cry out to the Universe in a plea for mercy. "Please! God! Universe! Buddha! Whomever You are!!! I can't stand it anymore. Please help me." And then you utter the words that deal the final blow to your intention. Words, so innocuous, so innocent, they couldn't possibly have a negative effect on your desires.

You call out and demand that the situation turns around right now.

And then, much to your horror, within a few days, things do turn around.

For the worse. Instead of getting better, they're falling apart. Which of course sends you into paroxysms of panic, because you feel like the person who is carrying a precariously balanced overload of stuff who just felt one little bauble slip, and you know it's only moments before you lose control of the whole thing and everything goes flying everywhere.

And you cannot for the life of you figure out what you did to so drastically derail your carefully crafted intention.

I can tell you. You told it to "please stand by". You didn't mean for it to actually stand by; you meant for it to hang out and wait while we fix this. But you didn't SAY "please hang out and wait while we fix this". You said, in effect, "please stand by".

I see you're confused.

You said, "Turn it [this situation] around."

Well, what's wrong with that? you ask.

Everything, if your initial intention was well-set, and you were doing a fine job of staying on track with it and keeping it focused. Because despite appearances to the contrary, your outcome—the manifestation of the actual result you desire—was already on its way to you. Things were already reorganizing themselves to align with your intention, like the players gathering and taking places before the curtain rises. The orchestra was tuning up, the singers warming up, the last-minute stand-ins were going over their lines one last time in preparation for the curtain call. And the curtain master had his hands wrapped around the heavy cables, watching for the signal to pull and reveal the tableau.

But you blew it.

You said,

TURN.

IT.

AROUND.

So, to use another metaphor, your ship, which was about to dock at port, applied the brakes, shut off the engines, and began the long slow process of turning around. So it could head in the opposite direction. "Sorry sailors. I know we just spotted land after months at sea, but I guess we won't be discovering the New World. We've been called back to Spain."

I'm sure you get it now. Your intention was happily on its way to manifestation, but you panicked and you told it to turn around. You didn't MEAN to tell it to go away. You just couldn't see that it WAS on its way, that it was almost here.

In fact, that worry and doubt you felt? Perhaps it could have been the excitement of knowing It was mere moments from arrival. Like the anticipation in the days before Christmas. But you misinterpreted it, assigned it a new meaning (fear), and sent out a counter intention to turn it around.

It's fine to infer and interpret with other intelligent beings in human form. But to our knowledge, nobody else has what we consider to be true "reasoning" capabilities. Horses, cats, dogs, crickets—they only understand what we tell them, to some extent. No. Sit. Lay down. Quiet. They don't understand that "stop barking" means "be quiet". They don't understand that "no, don't climb the curtains" means "stay down". They interpret short verbatim sentences, if they understand the words at all and aren't just responding to the tone of voice and our body language. So does our lizard brain and the Universe.

When you SAY, "turn it around", it turns around. Regardless of the direction, good or bad, in which it was headed before you issued your edict.

So watch what you say, think, complain about and ask for. Because you will get it. Verbatim. Word are vital. Use them wisely.

And now I must finish my NaNoWriMo submission (9,889 words to go before tomorrow night's deadline), so please stand by while I go do that.

If What We Resist, Persists... Is Resistance the Key?

It seems that the more I dislike something, the more it persists and continues to show up in my life.

I've also realized I have a habit, when I like something, of becoming fully involved in it, almost obsessively for a time, then one day, the enthusiasm wanes. Once this occurs, I'm able to easily let it go—just drop it. Remove my hand, so to speak, and allow it to fall without emotion of any kind. OK, I'm done with that.

This doesn't mean I don't like it—just that I've gotten to a point where I have lost the intense emotional involvement with it that the novelty of newness brings with it. I've reached the saturation point of the event or interest. Obsession is similar to the desperation one feels when negative circumstances persist; only obsession can feel more likeable.

It seems the moment I'm able to reach this point, the more "normal" it becomes for my life, and the easier it is to keep it around. It shows up in my life without bidding, and I'm always quietly pleased, almost a bit blasé, to have it arrive again. Which it does. Consistently, without effort on my part.

The thought occurred to me today that to change my life, perhaps I either have to figure out a way to fully despise the desired life changes (so the conditions arrive and persist) OR fall fully and completely in love with the desired life changes to the obsession point. Then when they arrive, embrace them, obsess over them, throw myself into them headlong until I reach the saturation point and am able to let go.

Perhaps then they will settle in and BE.

Or...

Maybe it's about loving the Now. Loving what IS. Even if it isn't very lovable.

Maybe, if I were to have two full-time jobs (a concept that causes extreme cringing and a big NO to rise up), and if they were the kinds of jobs I would never love...

Maybe I should embrace them fully, and LOVE them. Maybe loving them to the saturation point will make it easier to drop them one day. Just, done. No longer need this in my life; now something better comes along.

Hmm.

I'm not sure I've quite figured out this one, but I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

What Are You WHYning About?

What are you WHYning about today?

We all do it. We all find ourselves saying, "Why me?" or "Why did that happen again?" Some say the cure is to ask "Well, why NOT me?" I say we can probe deeper and make permanent changes. You see, I've noticed something.

The interesting thing about our complaints is that they tend to answer the very questions they ask.

Beliefs generate thought energy that attracts situations and circumstances that are in alignment with the belief. Whatever we believe, we speak aloud to others as statements—or as complaints. If the situation is favorable in our opinion, we proclaim it as a statement. But if the situation is not to our liking, we complain about it, and it usually comes out as a WHYne.

Here is an example of a standard WHYne:

Why does it always seem like every time I get close to getting ahead, something comes along to undo it?

Well... it's because this is what your belief IS!

Just remove the "why does" part and turn it into a sentence/statement, and the belief hidden within the complaint is revealed.

(Why does) it always seem like every time I get close to getting ahead, something comes along to undo it(?)

Becomes:

It always seem(s) like every time I get close to getting ahead, something comes along to undo it!

So why does it seem this way? Because it just does! Because YOU believe that it does.

What is the positive opposite of this belief? Well, there are a lot of options. One possibility is this:

It always seems like every time I get close to getting ahead, something comes along to make it even better.

Or, you could try:
I'm so glad that I seem to be getting ahead now.

You could even go so far as to turn a positive opposite into a tongue-in-cheek WHYne, but with a positive aspect:

Why does it always seem so easy for me to get ahead?

I mean, if we're going to complain, at least we can get into the habit of complaining positively, right?

Change the belief that is hidden within the WHYne, and you will change your life. Now—what have YOU been WHYning about today?

**Podcast Update: It's coming! Life happened along with a few technical glitches, but stay tuned.***

No More Pursuit

I am no longer pursuing my dreams.

Before you all freak out on me... Let me explain.

Something rose up in my attention today about the word “pursuit”. I actually wrote about 17 pages in my journal exploring it. But here’s what I’d invite you to do: get a dictionary. Look up these words, and note the definitions. I got mine from Word’s Encarta Dictionary.

• Pursuit
• Dream
• Generate (Create, Attain, Achieve, Accomplish, Nurture, Reach, Prosper, Succeed)
  
• Intention
• Purpose

I researched these and a few others and I realized a few things.

One definition of Pursuit is: to make the effort to try to achieve something.

OK. Read that slowly. To make the EFFORT to try... to achieve something.

You mean, “to try to try”? Wow. What is wrong with THAT statement?

It’s bad enough when someone says, “I’m trying to do this...” but to say “I’m trying to TRY to do this” is so lame I can’t even think about it. There is no try, only do. At least if you’re trying, you have a better shot than if you’re pursuing (and only trying to TRY).

Dream is defined as something you hope, long or yearn for, but are unlikely to realize.

Hope, as you know, is akin to Wish and Want, which are words that really mean “I lack”.

So to pursue your dreams means...

I’m trying to try to attain this thing that I lack and probably have no chance of ever attaining.

Also, to pursue means to chase. You can chase something and never ever catch it. If you’re focused on the pursuit of something, you’re always behind it, always reaching for it, never quite connecting, never quite catching it. The thing remains elusive.

So now you have an elusive, hard-to-catch thing that you’re lacking in, and you’re TRYING to try to acquire it.

Talk about doomed!

After much research, I’ve decided I am no longer pursuing my dreams.

Instead, I am generating and nurturing my purpose and intention (of having a successful ________).

To generate or create means to bring something into existence.

To nurture means to provide tender care and protection; to encourage it to grow, develop, thrive, and succeed.

Purpose is defined as the reason for the existence of a thing; a goal or intention that one determines to accomplish conclusively.

Intention is defined similarly.

From now on, when someone asks me what I’ve been doing lately, I’ll tell them:

I’m generating and nurturing my purpose and intention. I’m bringing into existence my purpose and intention to be a ______, and I’m providing it tender care and protection, and encouraging it to grow, develop, thrive and ultimately succeed at every phase along the way.

Doesn’t that sound and feel more determined?

More on Assumptions

I’ll say this: getting it straight in my head is quite the journey.

I’ve been thinking for weeks now how I need to “figure out how to hang on to stuff and get through this until I’m back on my feet again” meaning, how to cover the mortgage; how to cover/barter for board; how to triage the bills...

UNTIL I get back on my feet.

Note the word UNTIL.

What does it say to you? Until. As in, a while from now. Sometime down the road.

Focusing on the GAP between “now” (not on my feet) and “then” (back on my feet).

WHICH LEAVES ME FIRMLY WALLOWING IN THE DAMNED GAP.

I shouldn’t be focusing on how to ride out the gap UNTIL I’m back on my feet—I should have my focus on BEING back on my feet. PAST the gap.

I tell ya. It’s innocuous, this subconscious thing.

Good thing I'm becoming more aware of my thoughts and WHAT they are saying.

Assumptions

In the early morning "revelation" hours, I woke up after a really bizarre but good dream. As I came out of the dream, Brain (yes, I consider that to be its proper name) began working overtime trying to figure out, like usual, how to address the various situations in my life that need solutions, such as how to pay bills, how to pay for grad school, how to survive another month, and so on. Brain was working furiously to come up with yet another feasible possibility, when...

A Voice (which is likely God or my Higher Self) spoke up and drowned out Brain's worrisome chatter.

The Voice said:

“The problem isn’t that you need a job, or cheaper board, or even money to pay bills or go to grad school. In fact, these are just symptoms.”

Brain stopped "solutionizing" mid-thought.

My Conscious Self chimed in to the debate.

Oh? Symptoms? Of what? What IS the problem, then?

“The problem is that every solution and decision that you make is based on the assumption of continued poverty.”

Well, that stopped me short. I thought, well, duh, yeah, I mean, I gotta figure out how to survive until I’m flush again—

The Voice cut me off. “NO. Listen. YOU ASSUME POVERTY WILL CONTINUE.”

Uh, yeah, it probably will—for awhile, anyway...

“NO. You see? THAT’S THE PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.”

Huh?

“You are assuming that you’ll probably still be poor for awhile. So you are FOCUSING on the probability of being poor for a while longer.”

Oh for goodness’ sake.

The Voice is right.

Focus means manifestation; focus leads to actions that support the manifestation of that reality of probably being poor a while longer. DUH DUH DUH.

If every decision I’m seeking arises out of the assumption that it’s gonna be awhile before I can afford _________, then I’m attracting exactly that situation to myself!

I’ve been mulling this over and journalizing, exploring this concept in depth. As I thought about all the "problems" I've been facing, and all of the potential "solutions" that really aren't very good answers at all, it began to make sense.

I had already been creating this "probably poor awhile longer" situation, simply by assuming—or expecting—I'd still be in it.

The sticky part is, it's easy to maintain this assumption, when the circumstances around me seem to point in that direction. When I look at my bank balance, or the rejection letters from jobs to which I've applied (and not even being granted an interview before they decide I couldn't possibly have anything to offer them), the bills piling up, the unpaid things... it's very easy to see that should things continue this way, poverty is a given. With or without the added panic from the Media, who cry out about the state of the economy and housing market in such a fearful manner.

The Voice asked another question or two.

“How would your life change, if you lived under the assumption of wealth? Or assumed/expected that things are turning around? What would change in how you approached everything in your life?”

Wow.

I'd never thought of it that way. I came up with a whole list (which I won’t bore you with) of things that would change. It’s amazing how much different I would be living and thinking right now IF I assumed that it is all turning around, or rather WHEN I EXPECT that things are turning around and that there IS money and prosperity and success on its way to me now.

The point is, I must change my overall expectation from one of continuing poverty “for awhile” to one of renewed, impending, immediate prosperity and success.

That overall expectation is the foundation that drives and informs absolutely every single thought, action, and decision I make, and every solution I seek. Once I shift my overall expectation, everything changes in a trickle-down effect.

All my decisions, all the solutions I seek, every thought and action I have or make shifts to conform to my EXPECTATION. And I’ll get what I EXPECT to get.

One of these days, I’ll have this DOWN, baby. I will.

Once upon a time, I held the expectation of prosperity and success. I hadn't realized that the expectation had changed somewhere along the line to one of not expecting—rather, expecting the opposite of prosperity and success.

I'm not sure if I need to pinpoint when it changed and what caused it to change in order to change back. If I can rewind to a point before it shifted, reset my expectations to what they once were, and live in that mindset again, I'll be all right. But maybe all it takes is simply recognizing that there has been a negative shift, then shifting it back to positive.

And because miracles DO happen, I can expect things to fall into place for me right away—once I’ve adjusted it so I BELIEVE it is happening.

There is one question unanswered: Despite MY shift in expectations, there are still those who require explanations from me and specifics about WHEN I expect to discharge my debts, WHEN I plan to pay off that bill, WHEN I anticipate having money for X. They are less likely to accept the vague answer of "oh, soon—it's turning around, I can feel it, because I've shifted my overall expectation to one of prosperity and wealth." Mortgage companies want deadlines, realistic or not. Utility companies also want to know WHEN.

I'd love to be able to promise "when", and meet it... yet that little seed of doubt emerges and says, "But it depends on a lot of things falling miraculously into place—and you cannot predict when that is going to happen".

Hmm. Maybe THAT is the limiting belief preventing manifestation?

Thoughts?

Why Fear Wealth?

One of my biggest limiting beliefs is that being rich will lead me away from being spiritual. I've been trying to figure out why. I think I know.

It's because of the phrase "Idle Rich".

I don't believe there is such a thing, at least not in my world. I'm only idle when I'm poor, because the things I love to do cost money (if I'm doing them effectively). I stay home. I trim down to a frighteningly frugal level of bare minimum maintenance. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. I do not go out. Period. I use the library. I rarely leave the house. I become tight-fisted and less generous because you never know when you might need that $20. I only maintain cable because my internet service comes through it, and in the event I get a freelance design job, I need to maintain my capability of getting the job to the clients and the print shop. But I've trimmed the cable selections to nil.

When I'm wealthy, OTOH, I am ACTIVE. I'm all over the place! I'm traveling, dining out, meeting friends, socializing, thinking up project after project, starting a new one before beginning the old, "going off on tangents/traipsing all over the countryside" as my Mother used to say...

I'm a go-getter, up and at em, energy ball when I'm wealthy. I'm the opposite of idle.

And that's the problem. Because all of those things are DISTRACTIONS. They are time suckers. They keep me going, going, going like the Energizer Bunny, rarely slowing down to take a breath while the world whips past.

When I'm working it's even worse. I spend 8-10 hours at the job, where it's go go go meet deadlines fix problems don't think just DO and hurry up about it (I was a print production technician and designer), then I go home and collapse from exhaustion in the evenings. Time is lost because I'm too worn out to do anything "fun" or for myself. Weekends are a busy cramfest where I try to fit in all the things I didn't have time or energy for during the week. Church? Are you kiddin' me? Get up early on a Sunday when I could be sleeping in?

And so my spirituality fell short. I fell out of touch with my inner being, with God, with the whole meaning of life. As I wrote in my journal the other day, certainly judging by the events of the past few years, this qualifies as the WORST time of my entire life.

But it has also in many ways been the best. There are a couple of areas that have gone well in spite of it all: my horsemanship activities and my spirituality/self-knowledge. I've had plenty of time to sort myself out, reconnect with God, and figure out what spirituality means to me. I've also worked on my horsemanship and riding, which is moving me towards my goal of becoming a Parelli Natural Horsemanship Instructor and Horse Developer.

The other day, I asked myself what my favorite experience on this planet has been. The answer? My time with horses. The past eight years have had horses in them full time, and it has been the BEST time of my life.

Wait a minute. Didn't I just say it was the WORST time of my life?

Yes. The best AND worst times of my life are occurring simultaneously. The beauty of this realization is in understanding that I've been focusing only on the WORST part, and completely overlooking the BEST part. My joy, my heart, my reason for existing is wrapped up in that horse, and nothing I've experienced any other time in my life other than God has been that joy-filled.

So in a way, this temporary descent into the world of the not-haves has had its blessings.

But... when I return to prosperity... when my life picks up and takes off again... when I return to work... if I suddenly find myself in possession of a large amount of money... will all of this change? Will I revert? Will I go back to being busybusybusy with no time to stop and smell the horse barn? Will I lose sight of my spiritual side, my connection with God, and be mindless again?

I suppose my fear of suddenly becoming wealthy again stems from this sense that my connection to my spiritual side is not yet as firm, not cemented in place. It's still shaky. It's still developing. It has roots, but the soil could be a bit more fertile. It's growing, but the leaves are new, and they must enlarge to take in the nourishing sun. The blossoms are still buds. I fear that one smell of material boost and WHAM goes the plant, tromped down under the shiny new Kenneth Cole boot that just had to come home with me. (I exaggerate—I'm not very materially inclined nor am I particularly attracted to designer labels unless you consider Wrangler and Resistol to be designers, but I needed an analogy.)

All of the material goods that accompany financial prosperity, and the events and circumstances, can become distractions that lead the focus away from the spiritual self and the Unseen, directing it to the physical, earth-bound "can be seen" reality. I guess I just really don't want to be that person anymore. Ever. It doesn't mean I don't want a decent home, my truck and trailer, and a lovely little farm—just that when I attain those, I'd like to also maintain and continue to foster my spiritual growth IN SPITE of my prosperity.

And I don't want to be one of those people whose success and financial status makes them the subject of critical judgment and sneers. Such as a former boss. My friend's husband worked briefly for the company that had laid me off. He told of how because of the economic "crisis", it was necessary to cut everyone's salary by 20%. That was done; then two weeks later, the boss rolled up in a luxury car that was newer, nicer and twice as costly as the luxury car he'd been driving the previous week.

Now. It LOOKS as though the boss did not apply his philosophy to himself and in fact continued to treat himself while making his employees cut back, and that left employees steaming with unexpressed resentment and jealousy.

But is this how it REALLY was?

What if the boss had also tightened his belt? What if they'd been a two-car family; the newer car had been his wife's, purchased during an economic upswing or on a discount because they had a friend who deals cars who got them a deal, and it was fully paid off; and in the light of the economy now, they'd opted to become a one-car family, so the boss had traded in or sold off one car, and they'd decided the wise thing would be to keep the newer, paid-off car for obvious reasons, and his wife was now sacrificing her mobility so hubby could get to the job?

Nobody thought to consider that, though, I'll bet. Besides, he IS the president of the company. His economic standing was always going to be higher than that of his employees. Even if he DID cut back in his own way.

But being the subject of the first assumption is something I wish to avoid.

However, this belief is serving me poorly, no pun intended.

So is it okay for me to pray for a lottery win? Of course. Because it's not about the money; it's about what it can do for me, for my family and friends, and for all the people I have yet to meet that will benefit from my generosity.

I've also realized that the way I behave MATTERS. Despite my economic position, it is imperative that I continue to behave in as many ways possible as if I am wealthy in order to generate the proper vibe to attract more wealth in to my life. Putting out vibes of scarcity and restriction attracts more of that.

I may not have oodles of money to spend, but I can certainly do things in ways that make me feel more prosperous. I just need to be considerably more creative than via shopping and dining out. If it helps, for example, to eat my Ramen by candlelight on the good china with a freshly pressed tablecloth on the table and soft music in the background, then I should do that, while relishing every yummy bite.

If I feel more prosperous simply because my gray hair IS covered, then I should prioritize applying that $2 bottle of dye to my head even if it's not the spa experience I'm used to, then swing my hair around like the girls in the shampoo ads (because I'm worth it™).

It's the little things that matter; and the little details that are the devil to distract you. How you approach them is the trick.

I've finally narrowed down my spiritual leanings and determined that I would be considered a practitioner of Religious Science, Science of Mind, or New Thought. (Note—this is different from Christian Science or Scientology!) I've located THREE (!) spiritual centers in my area and a church of Universal Unitarianism nearby that I'm planning to check out this month. My gut feeling is that once I'm firmly ensconced in a church setting where my faith is being supported and maintained beyond what I do here at home, it will give me the roots and fertilizer needed to strengthen my faith so that it will be strong enough to withstand the distractions that may come up as my prosperity returns. I believe that once it is obvious that I'm decidedly on this path, things will turn around, blocks will lift, and I am being fully restored.

Go forth, and prosper. May you be blessed.

Can We Rethink It?

You know, if we all quit thinking of it as a "financial crisis", it would quit BEING a financial crisis.

I vote we all refer to it as "the financial transition" from now on. Then picture it transitioning into prosperity.

I mean, what the hey--we're awfully good at mass manifesting a CRISIS, right? What if we used our powers for good rather than evil?

Just a thought.

Oh, As IF—and, How Do You Deal with Fear?

Today I must admit to something that I'm not proud of.

I'm not always cheerful and upbeat. Nor am I always the best representation of a follower of the LOA or someone of faith.

Sometimes, I fall down.

Yesterday was one of those days. (Before we go on, today is better, so fear not for my well-being.)

In hindsight, I realize there was a lesson in all of this, and that I had to go through it to be able to understand it when others go through it, which they will, so that I can help them by example.

I've been reading Barbara Sher's book with the impossibly long title, "I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It". We'll call it Sher's book for brevity's sake. Many of the exercises correlate to self-analysis work I've already done, but some are new. I do those. Most of them.

One exercise wants you to ask yourself which of the Four Feelings is the one you're experiencing right now. The Four are Anger, Fear, Hurt and Joy, as these are the most basic emotions we feel. Other emotions, like grief or resentment, are combinations or variations of the Four.

Well I opened up a can of worms Sunday night. The one that came up was ANGER. With a capital everything. I had no idea. I thought I was just sort of sad. Turns out, I am PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF. At my Mother. At my sibling. At my childhood. At myself. At former bandmates and beaus. At my old jobs. At all of the injustice I've experienced in my life. I let it all out. It was a long night. But I slept well, and I woke up feeling...

Not so good. REALLY bad, in fact. I haven't felt this down-deep depressed in a long time. And it lasted all day. It was so bad... I actually wrote up a note of whom to call in case I couldn't take it anymore—who gets the cats and horses, who to email... in a way, that might have been part of the purge because after that and hours of crying, sobbing and grieving, I felt better. Not good, mind you, but the feeling had passed.

Yes, it was hours of torture going through it. Wave after wave of excruciating emotional pain kept coming up. I cried myself hoarse and my eyes still feel like sandpaper. Apparently I'd crossed from ANGER to HURT.

Thing is, I'd been attributing the emotion to frustration, and believing it was because of my blocked financial situation. I live in Ohio. Our economy isn't the best right now. The excuses are, I have things to sell but due to the economy in this state (when I switch into the old thinking of "being realistic"), nobody's buying; the estate hasn't closed because the house hasn't sold; my employable skills apply to jobs that aren't available right now and the jobs that are available don't align with my skills (or won't hire me because of that nasty little glitch called being "overqualified"), and the correlation between the amount available in my bank account versus the bills that need to be paid is way out of balance.

Poor me.

Wahhh.

It took HOURS to work through all of this. Alone. At the tail end of the sobbing, when I'd finally wore myself out, I begged God to help me. I became very quiet. I had nothing left in me, nothing left to say.

For a moment or two, there was nothing but the silence after the storm.

Then a small, soft voice in my head said:

Act as if it is all right.

Huh?

It continued.

What would you be doing differently tomorrow, if you KNEW help was on its way, if you KNEW that in a few days, it WOULD be all right?

Well, hell. I'd never considered... that I might be living my life anyway BUT that way. This voice and I had a conversation in which it was pointed out to me that I'd been living as if it was NOT going to be all right, and all of my actions—or lack thereof—sent out that message.

Naturally, it attracted the very experiences to me that I didn't want to have, and voila—here I am.

I realized that if I truly believed that everything was on the upswing, whether it had manifested any visual signs yet or not, I would be living a little bit differently every day.

I'd be focusing on improvement (not just emotional): getting in shape, cleaning up the house, sorting stuff, preparing for the future that was on its way. I would NOT be living every day as if it might be the last day I have heat, or with full-on scarcity mindset, putting off stuff and refusing to "get involved" because what's the point? Why get deeply entrenched in a recording or creative project, or my horsemanship studies, or studying for the GRE, when by next week or next month, I might be giving away all my possessions because the person whose couch I'll be occupying when the money runs out doesn't have room to store them all, or I'll be working two jobs just to pay the bills and won't have time for "such nonsense"?

Yes, one's brain can think up some pretty wild thoughts, can't it? It's tricky, true, but my mind is really making an enormous mountain out of an inconvenient little molehill that I really am quite capable of overcoming. The house is paid for, in fact it still belongs to the estate, not me; so the chance of being evicted by anyone is unlikely. I do have friends who would help me out in a crisis if I'm too embarrassed to request a small advance from the estate, and I'm not in serious debt (no credit cards). There are jobs out there, and who knows? If I focus on what I want, I can create it. Hell, I seem to be pretty good at creating the other stuff, right?

The point is, my mind was tricking me. It was feeding into my fears, and it was using MONEY to set up a crisis so that I would avoid dealing with the feelings that I accidentally wound up dealing with this weekend. I even, at one point, seriously doubted the validity of the LOA.

Sidenote: Just because someone had great parents and a nice upbringing doesn't mean there wasn't pain.

When I realized that I'd been sitting on a schload of anger and hurt, and hiding it behind semi-imaginary money woes that I'd created all by myself, I was in shock. When I realized that I'd been acting and speaking as if it was NOT turning out OK, even though I thought I was doing otherwise, I was horrified.

Shortly thereafter, I outlined how I'd behave if I believed, and I began to feel better.

This morning, I caught myself in a thought process I was surprised to have. I realized I'll need to be very diligent and observant because scarcity thinking can be sneaky.

I was wondering, "should I maybe check into the insurance agents I see advertised on TV all the time and see if I can lower my car insurance payment even further?"

Not because it's a great deal, but because then I would have less going out, more to live on, not use up my savings so fast in the event that things didn't improve...

SMACK! What did you JUST think?!?!?

Oh, my. A very complex, convoluted thought, and it was right back into scarcity.

" in the event that things didn't improve..."

Naughty, naughty!

So it isn't enough just to decide "OK I'm going to act as if from now on". Nope, I have to watch myself because the scarcity thinking is so deeply ingrained it filters out subtly without my even noticing.

How do you fix it?

By becoming aware of it and perishing the thoughts.

How does one live "as if"?

It's not that I should go out and act as if I'm a multimillionaire and start spending like crazy. That would be dumb. But what can I do that is in alignment with being "OK" that doesn't cost anything? There are plenty of actions along those lines. When I start doing those as much as possible, I'm sending out the message that I believe.

My objective is to maintain the lifestyle I had before my parents died, which is a comfortable neither-rich-nor-poor lifestyle in which my needs are met and I'm able to enjoy the small pleasures that make life worth living, like an occasional dinner out, a movie matinee, a short roadtrip, and so on.

Continually trimming out more and more things until I'm down to food, absolute basic utilities, and shelter with absolutely no room for even one night out is sending a message of a belief in scarcity.

But that reality thing... so someone asks me to go check out that new restaurant in town. I could answer "truthfully",

"Sorry. Can't afford to right now. Maybe later."

Or, I could answer "as if":

"Sure, I'd love to! This is a busy time—how about we try for next week/next month?"

Not ruling it out. Not claiming scarcity. Just, scheduling it for the future. Which is going to be FINE. Which will be a time when I am more than able to afford it. And, visualizing ahead to the day we go and check it out. Then letting it go. Forgetting about it until next month, when...

Surprise, I'll be able to afford to go.

As for my bills, I'll do triage. Pay the most urgent. Partial pay the less-urgent. Decide that it's OK to pay some next week, when there is more money. Fix these thoughts in my mind. Hold the visualizations then let them go. Expect it to be fine. Expect that the job is appearing. Expect that the blocks are dissolving.

And act as if it IS working out.

But... what about the fear?

Well, emotions come in and go out much like a ride on a rollercoaster. They start at the bottom, quietly, then rise, rise, rise until they peak, then you freefall back down until they subside and go away.

The trick is to hang on for the ride. I've discovered three ways that we deal with emotions.

• RESISTANCE
• SENDING OUT
• ALLOWING

What usually happens is we sense the feeling rising, and we think NONONONONO and try to push it away. RESIST. Panic rises inside of us because we do not want to feel this. So it tries even harder to get to us, and eventually either we stuff it back down for awhile (ever wary of its next attempt) or it gets us anyway.

When it is suggested that we allow the experience, people worry, "but isn't that going to attract more of it to me?"

Nope. To attract it requires either resisting it (which energizes it) or SENDING IT OUT on purpose. That requires a conscious effort to push it out. Raising your arms and sending it out, or pushing it from your solar plexus—both require active energy.

That's not what I'm talking about.

ALLOWING the feeling is like passive-resistance. You see it coming. Instead of rising up to battle it, or actively sending it out, you STOP. Just stop and be still. Wait for it. Continue to stay calm and breathe through it. You let the energy come TO you and go THROUGH you, but you do not add your own energy to it.

Think of yourself like a reed in the water. Usually it is still and calm. But you see it, on the horizon, an enormous wave is headed your way. If you fight it stiffly, you will break under the weight of it. But if you bend... it will wash over you. You will withstand it, and then it will pass and calm will return.

What you do is you open yourself up, and welcome it. When you feel it beginning to rise, you take a deep breath and set your internal stance to a power position where you cannot be knocked over. Then you wait. The feeling comes. It will rise. It will reach a point where you think "I cannot withstand this anymore". This is the peak.

This is the point where most people cave in, and they either put up the fight or they break.

This is the point where you hold strongest. One more deep breath, and...

There it goes. It's subsiding. Only this time it will likely stay gone.

If it's fear, it'll rise, peak, and fall away.

If it's anger, same thing, but you may need to open a portal and express it safely. Write in a journal, punch a pillow, or yell.

If it's pain, you will have to allow the tears. It's going to hurt like hell at the peak, and that will be scary, but stay with it.

I promise. If you stay with it, and ride over the crest, you will land safely on the ground again, and you will be fine.

I should know. I'm speaking from personal, recent experience.

Energy Shifts

I've been struggling with a few concepts today, but I’ve had insights. Big ones. The main point is:

If I put out half-assed energy, I’ll get back half-assed energy and results.

My struggle has been with doubt and hesitation over actually pursuing a new home business venture that I've been thinking about doing. Being the crafty creative type, with a background in fiber arts, I've been mulling over the possibility of turning my art into profit. This past month, against all logic (because I'm in need of a funding injection, bills are due, and I'm still liberated from the workforce), I took a small risk and invested a tiny bit of money in supplies and equipment for said venture. I launched into it with great gusto.

Then came the procrastination after the first efforts were complete.

I was happy with my results, yet... this nagging feeling began to grow. Since then, I've been finding all sorts of reasons not to focus on my art.

Now, when I think about getting up to do the artistic thing, in the back of my mind this voice of doubt pipes up, saying:

“I shouldn’t be doing this, I should be out looking for a job.”

Yes, I realize I am shoulding all over myself and that's a big LOA no-no.

Well, it occurred to me that no matter how productive I’m being all day over the dye pots, if I’m doing it with THAT energy going out alongside of it, with this little voice in the back of my head nagging at me and insisting I should be elsewhere, then...

What energy am I going get in return?

I'll tell you what: a whole lot of evidence to support that voice that said “I told you you should have been out looking for a job rather than futzing around with that silly little 'hobby' of yours”.

But... what if the energy shifted?

What if I purposely shifted the energy? What if I was actively engaged in my creative pursuits with the constant conscious refrain of:

“THIS is what I’m meant to be doing RIGHT NOW, this is what I AM doing, and this is what is supporting me and my furry loved ones for the next several months or years and it IS successful”?

What do you suppose might happen?

My feeling is that the energy shift is all it would take to change everything for the better. My guess is, I'd be more productive, more enthusiastic, and doors full of opportunities would fly open before me. My guess is, success would begin to chase ME down.

This is so simple, yet so darned hard at the same time.

Closer

I realized something in a flash today.

The outcomes I've been waiting to manifest are on their way. But I haven't seen it like that.

The estate closing, the house sales, my future—it's all been this ephemeral, foggy "out there someday" kind of vision. The outcomes have had no solidity, no depth or tangibility to them.

This kind of focus, or lack thereof, is what has held them at bay. My thought process, which was that I was standing here in one spot waiting for things to come TO me, is the culprit.

It's akin to waiting at the bus stop for a bus you aren't certain is ever going to come. You don't know the schedule or if the bus even runs past here anymore. You wait, you watch, you check the time... you wonder if you should leave... afraid to leave because you KNOW the bus will arrive the minute you do...

And so you stand still and wait, visualizing everything as "out there", swirling around you, never making contact.

The realization that snapped me out of it was this:

One day, the estate has to close. It cannot stay open forever. One day, the house will sell. Houses can be on the market for a long time but not for all eternity. EVENTUALLY, things must change. The day will arrive when all of this happens.

But I'm not standing motionless in time. Time is moving. Time is carrying me forward. Every moment that I am alive, I am moving toward the day when the estate closes, toward the day when the houses sell, toward my next birthday/Christmas/next Spring...

I am in progress. I am ON MY WAY TO IT.

I might not be able to "see" it yet in my mind, but I am on my way TO it. Whatever "it" represents.

WITH EVERY MOMENT THAT PASSES, I AM ONE MOMENT CLOSER TO MY OUTCOME.

That concept knocked me right over.

Now I see myself as walking along, firmly on the path to my outcome. I'm on a road. Maybe it's out in the country where signs are few and far between. But I'm on the road. I'm pointed in the right direction. With every step I am one step closer. Pretty soon, I'll see a tiny green rectangle hovering above the horizon. As I get closer, I'll see that it is a roadsign. The closer I get, the more visible the words:

"Outcome, 60 miles ahead"

I'll keep walking, or maybe I'll start jogging. Then more signposts, telling me Outcome is 30 miles, 20, 10, 5. The skyline of Outcome will emerge into view. And then...

Here I am.

I've arrived. I'm at Outcome. I'm IN Outcome. And all is well.

I'm not standing still waiting for it to come TO me. I am on my way, getting there, going to IT, and every moment brings me one step closer to being there.

More on Deciding

This morning I awoke with a further understanding about deciding. It relates back to one of my ongoing struggles, which has been panic related to finances. But first, a little backstory.

I did not used to panic when I thought about money. But then, growing up, there was always enough of it. My parents were upper-middle class suburbanites who'd survived the Great Depression. Dad was a University professor and taught grad school; Mom was a stay-at-home who pursued her passion for painting but it was strictly a hobby. On one salary from one full-time job with summers and holidays off and plenty of leisure time after work, he provided us with a lovely home in a safe neighborhood.

At one time there were three cars in the driveway—modest, but always bought new—except for his "utility vehicle" for doing our household fix-up projects (used; something to take to the hardware store). We took nice family vacations such as renting a cabin for a week at a state park. He had a 14' sailboat he enjoyed immensely. We never went hungry. They always paid the bills on time and had enough saved for rainy days so that when unexpected things arose, they were easily dealt with and the savings and investments were still largely intact.

And he almost always paid cash or by check (and they were always good). Credit cards were carefully guarded, for absolute emergency use only, and paid off immediately.

Dad had a knack.

Because of this, though, I grew up with the belief that it IS possible to survive quite comfortably on one good salary and that there is always more than enough money.

The past two years have been a shocker for me. My belief system has been thoroughly shaken up, my cage rattled. I've experienced what it's like to NOT have more than enough money, to look at the price of things and wonder how on Earth one salary could ever accommodate it, and I've felt genuine fear on more than one occasion.

However. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to CHANGE.

Now for the revelation. The fear I feel related to money is ALSO a decision.

My thought process subconsciously goes like this:

1. I once believed that money arrived in a continuous, dependable flow (even though it wasn't mine) and departed the same way.
2. I once believed that it was possible to balance in against out, and thus I (decided that I) always felt confident about the flow.
   
3. My parents died, I was liberated from the workforce, and I became temporarily dependent in the meantime upon partial distributions from the estate, from selling some of my unnecessary belongings, and from the occasional freelance job.
4. Due to #3, I've decided that money now comes in chunks over which I have little control (or... I've decided that I have little control over it. *ahem).
5. I've decided that chunks don't last long when spending is a continuous flow action.
6. I must've decided at some time that spending is a continuous flow action.
7. I decided to be terrified about all of this.

Remember, I didn't decide this CONSCIOUSLY.

This is my current belief structure related to money:

• Money comes in to me as random chunks at random times.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous flow.
• This is imbalanced and I choose to experience fear about it.

It occurred to me today that all I need to do is CHANGE the first and last sentence, instill the new belief structure, and all will be well:

• Money comes in to me as chunks AND as a continuous, dependable flow.
• Money goes out from me as a continuous, dependable flow.
• This is balanced in my favor, and I choose to experience confidence and security about it.

Oh, but HOW will I get a continuous inflow of money, you ask? Guess what? That is not up to me! That is the domain of the Universe, which knows all of the infinite possibilities that I, as a mere human, do not. As with everything else, once I decide, the Universe will align with my decision.

The most obvious Continuous Flow Financial source is a job. However, there are plenty of other methods of obtaining CFFs. Royalties, for example. If you write a song that becomes a classic hit and is still being played at weddings or on the radio 30 years later, and you have a good publishing deal, you have a source of CFF for the life of the song. Or how about investment interest? The chunk arrives, it is invested, and the interest compounds regularly. That is self-generating! I'm simply trying to open the mind to alternatives.

But if I wind up taking the obvious route and there is a new job in my future, the only other thing I need to focus on is making sure that I find a job that is in alignment with my Mission Statement and my life goals. No small feat, but... I've decided I can do that.

Deciding

There is a theme continuing in these entries. I feel I'm getting closer and closer to The Answer that will permanently and positively change my life. First, I thought it was about asking for things, like you're placing an order with God/Universe/Source (let's just call it God for simplicity's sake). Then I thought it was about what we focus on.

Then it came to me in the last post that we decide. It's not up to anyone else what we become—no one else can stop us or make it work—each of us is solely responsible for making life work out. Everyone, including God, just subconsciously "agrees" with what we've already decided is true for ourselves, and "becomes" an obstacle, a hindrance or a helper to us.

This morning, the concept of deciding expanded further.

I have been trying in vain to turn myself into a morning person because I feel I'll be more productive, and with the waning daylight and the fall heat, morning seems like a great time to play with my horses. It would also allow me to treat the horse thing more like a job.

For the 9,000th time, I failed to rise at 7:00 AM. Same old situation. To bed too late, tired, unexplained sore/stiff neck, bleaghhhhh... when my eyes finally did pry themselves opened, I asked God:

"Why it is so damned hard for me to manifest this stuff? Why can't I seem to get stuff to change?"

I got an answer.

Because you’ve DECIDED it is.

Well. That launched a conversation with God that I won’t go into blow-by-blow lest we be here all night, but I'll sum up the more pertinent points.

Not only do we decide who/what we want to be/do/have/experience.

We decide EVERYTHING. Every word out of our mouth is a decision we’ve made.

In addition I was told that Prayer = Deciding; Faith = Expecting Deliverance of the Decision (manifestation).

Here’s an example. I was complaining about the morning rising issue. I said:

But, I hate getting up in the morning. I’m not a morning person. If I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I went to bed too late. So... that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

I said, “How do I change THAT?”

The answer:

DECIDE to.

Very long debate with God about how I can’t just decide to change all that, it’s just who I am, yadda yadda... with His countering me at every turn.

He pointed out how I’d surprised myself with how much I’d enjoyed getting up before dawn for the PNH clinics, loved the morning light, the air, the way it smelled, the barn at first light, the fog, the crispness in the air... but always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be enjoying it.

I said, “Yeah, because it went against every belief I had about morning.”

God just smiled (it felt that way). Suddenly, I got it.

It went against every belief I had about morning!

Read my paragraph of whining again. Now, tell me. How many beliefs can you count?

YES! Every single one is a BELIEF. Rather... it’s what I DECIDED to believe about me and mornings. (I counted seven total.) That’s when it dawned on me (no pun intended) that when I greet someone and they say “how are you today” and I say “I’m OK, but I'm tired, I got up too early today”, I’m basically saying, “I have decided to feel tired today, and I’ve decided that I got up too early and that I don’t like it.” Then, of course, life lines up to present circumstances that underscore just how tired I am today and reminders of how early I got up.

I could have decided that I feel GREAT! I feel more alive than I have in years! But most of us don’t do that automatically. If I’ve decided that’s just how I am, that’s how I’ll BE.

Look at how differently it reads when I add I’ve decided to it:

But, I’ve decided that I hate getting up in the morning. I’ve decided that I’m not a morning person. I’ve decided that if I do get up, it’s only because I HAVE to, like for a job. And I’ve decided that I usually feel really tired and draggy all day, because I’ve decided that I didn’t get enough sleep the night before, because I’ve decided that I went to bed too late. So... I’ve decided that that makes a lot of options (careers) not possible for me.

Wow, huh? Certainly shifts MY perspective.

God said, if I just decide to enjoy rising at 7:00 AM and decide to enjoy going to bed by midnight, and decide to fall right into a sound, peaceful sleep, I WILL.

He also said that every other action/behavior and subsequent related belief will fall into place and align with it.

Decide the root belief, and the others line up.

God said:

This will feel a little strange at first—(Me: heh heh, or it will if I’ve decided that it will) because it’s new and unfamiliar. But if you decide that it feels just right, it will.

He said:

Watch what you say out loud, to others and to yourself, as well as what you think. If you can’t comfortably proclaim how great everything is because of how it might offend the people who are on perma-downers, then just respond neutrally but THINK it to yourself.

Say: “Oh, I’m good”

but think: “I’m fantastic!!!” (and try to surreptitiously lift their beliefs/decisions as well if you can)—

Me: or... HA HA HA decide to. (I love me...) I think I’m really beginning to get it. No. Wait. I’ve decided that I’m beginning to get it. HAHAHAHAHA I have to stop laughing at the absurdity of this but it’s so true! And we don’t even realize it! Or, we decide not to! AGH make it stop—

~~~

As the full force of understanding of this concept sunk in, I found myself laughing. It's so simple, yet so difficult! (Or, as I said, it is if we decide... let's not go there again. It's an endless loop. Or could be. If...)

My challenge for today is to try this exercise: Add the phrase I’ve decided that to everything thought and said throughout the day.

So if I’m thinking to myself and I slip and say “Gosh, I’m tired today”, I have to catch it and say “Wait—so I’ve decided that I’m tired today? NO WAY! I’ve decided that I am full of energy today and well-rested!”

or

"I gotta clean the kitchen" becomes "I've decided to clean the kitchen"

"I'll never lose weight" becomes "I've decided I'll never lose weight... no, wait! I've decided I'm in the process of thinning down!"

I challenge YOU to try this as well. Get some paper. Mentally divide it into thirds. Make two columns: the left is one third of the page and the right is two-thirds wide. In the right (wider) column, write down every complaint, every "this is just how I am" that you have.

• I hate vacuuming.
• God, my house is a mess.
• People are annoying and they cannot drive.
• This TV show sucks.
• It'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but he never does.
• I love cats and chocolate!
• My boyfriend irritates me, he thinks I'm daft.
• Crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• Don't drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• That woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

When your list is complete (and it will be—should be—far longer than this), add the words "I've decided that" to the front of every single line, in the left-hand column. Then read it out loud.

• I've decided that I hate vacuuming.
• I've decided that God, my house is a mess.
• I've decided that people are annoying and I've decided that they cannot drive.
• I've decided that this TV show sucks.
• I've decided that it'd be nice if the neighbor would leave my lawn darts alone, but I've decided that he never does.
• I've decided that I love cats and chocolate!
• I've decided that my boyfriend irritates me, he's decided that he thinks I'm daft.
• I've decided that crap, I'm going to be late again.
• I've decided that I'll never find a parking space in this lot.
• I've decided that if you drink all that soda pop, it'll make you fat!
• I've decided that that woman is just never going to get a good job unless she learns to dress better.

Does it sound as absurd to you as it does to me? They are all just beliefs, not truths! :-)

You can't change the current circumstances because they are the product of past decisions (or... have I just decided that you can't?), but you CAN change what you decide to bring into your life from now on. The second part of the exercise would be to go back and turn the negatives into positive opposites.

So far, I've decided that I'm happy—not that I'm going to be happy, but that I am right now; I've decided some other things pertaining to the house sales; and I've done a LOT of EFT tapping on other issues, unearthing some core issues I wasn't aware I had.

Life, I've decided, is great.

Getting to the Core Issue

And I'm back.

Lately I've been experimenting with tapping, or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). The articles available at emofree.com are fantastic and I've found a couple that really targeted the issues I’ve needed to resolve/eliminate. There are many resources online to teach you how to tap the points if you’re interested. Tapping.com is a good one, and there are some on emofree as well.

While reading the articles I'd downloaded and tapping away, I came up with a startling realization or two.

Revelation #1

This came from a dream I had the other night. (I'm a Level Two student of Parelli Natural Horsemanship or PNH and I have two horses, so the dream was a bit based in reality.) My horse and I were at one of the Parelli Centers (but it looked like a futuristic movie set, beyond description, nothing like the real thing). My horse I were being instructed to perform the most bizarre tasks:

We had to go up a flight of huge, slick, wooden stairs (sort of like a mountain), then back down the other side.

Then we were on a plateau about one story up. I couldn’t figure out how to get down and move on to the next task and I was afraid if we jumped that far we’d die. The instructor said, "Hang on, I’ll get you down". He pushed a button—turned out we were on an elevator, and the remaining task had been to find the lever, get the horse to push it with his nose so the elevator lowered (while I was in the saddle!), then leave the platform, dismount, do Circling game transitions online, and that was it. If we had been able to do that, we would have passed (the class? a level of certification? it wasn't specified).

In the dream, all the other students knew the pattern already and what to do at each stop, but not me. I had to ask as we went. So I didn’t know HOW to do it, I winged it—at each stop, I’d say, what do I do? and they’d give minimal info like “go up the stairs and down the other side” but not say HOW it was supposed to be done. I didn’t have time to be scared until afterwards.

But since I didn’t pass, I had to do it again AFTER reading the pattern and finding out, “Oh. I don’t have to be riding him when we go up the stairs? Riding is upper level and I'm only required to lead him at this stage?” This shocked me because we were only at level whatever and we’d done an upper level task without realizing it. Not only did I have to redo the test, but I had to do it in the presence of Pat Parelli himself!

I was terrified, afraid I’d fail, suddenly afraid of the mountain we’d just crossed successfully without fear, and I was doing all sorts of dawdling/excuse-making to procrastinate.

Finally, I broke down and opened up to Pat about why I was procrastinating, and we had a heart-to-heart about it (I’ll spare you the play-by-play). At the end, he asked why I was so afraid to do this with him watching. He said he was only judging me by where I was at at the time, not whether I was suitable at this point to be an instructor someday in the future, and he was mostly interested in making sure his program was working by observing student progress in this level.

I said (in a very panicky whining sob), “Because you hold the key to my future. You decide whether I’ll be an instructor or not”.

Pat smiled gently and said “I’m not the one who decides if you’re a Parelli Instructor or not—YOU decide it.”

Of course, that was when I woke up. :-)

Well. Here's the big huge Revelation #1.

Nobody else decides our fate. WE decide. All anyone else ever does is go into agreement with what we have already decided—subconsciously.

Does that make sense?

NOBODY stops us. Nobody else gets in our way. There are no obstacles.

There is only that which we subconsciously and consciously desire, and the congruency or lack thereof between the two desires.

WE decide, subconsciously, what it is we truly desire to be, do, have, or experience. If, deep down/subconsciously, I really want to be/do/have/experience something, there is nothing I could say or do that will keep me from being/doing/having/experiencing it... because all of my conscious behaviors will align with my subconscious desires and I will automatically only say and do things that are also in alignment with my being/doing/having/experiencing that thing.

It also works in reverse. If subconsciously I don’t want to b/d/h/e something, no amount of conscious verbal intention-setting will change things because it will be out of alignment with my subconscious desires/beliefs, and it will automatically cause my conscious and subconscious behaviors to be out of alignment with it. I’ll do and/or say things that will sabotage it—then be mad at myself later for it (or, that was the pattern in the past, anyway!).

So say I go in for a job interview. I’m iffy about wanting the job. I go in and give my best presentation. I’m dressed right. I sell well. My portfolio is stellar. I say to the prospective boss with great enthusiasm and sincerity, because I truly believe consciously that I feel this, “Yes I really want to work for you!”

Meanwhile, my brain is saying: "but... I’d rather not. This job is boring. It’s a catalog of janitorial supplies, how fascinating is that? Please. I want to work on something interesting. But the money sounds pretty good, so I guess it will do for now.”

Do you think I get the job?

NO. Because the boss’ subconscious hears my subconscious, from body language, verbal expressions, and other stuff it’s nearly impossible to hide (unless you’re Meryl Streep), and he agrees subconsciously. His insides say, “You’d rather not. You want to work on something interesting. OK. I’ll set you free so you can go do that.” He says later when he calls, “We’ve hired someone else.”

But I really want this (no I don’t)! Really! I do (even though it’s bad for me)! It will be fine, I’ll learn to love it (no I won’t, I’ll hate it and resent ever trying)! I can do this (are you sure? I kinda doubt it)!

There are no mistakes.

There are no failures.

There are only conscious behaviors that are out of alignment with our subconscious truths.

The second part of this is that the Universe, the World, God, whatever, only ever says YES to us. It says yes to our TRUE (subconscious) desires. But sometimes the Universe's Yes sounds like NO or looks like an obstacle preventing us from doing/being/having/experiencing when it isn't an obstacle. The Universe doesn't say no to us. It says "yes" to the "no" we've already told ourselves.

Let that sink in a minute...

The trick is that sometimes we're telling ourselves "no" but we aren't sure why. Those are limiting beliefs. It’s faulty programming. It comes from parents, schools, the media, etcetera—what we’ve been consciously or subconsciously exposed to throughout our life has implanted messages that may or may not (usually are not) be true about us or what we desire.

They are insidious. They are input without our realization or conscious permission, and grow like patches of unwanted weeds amongst the flowered field of our desired desires. But they can be eliminated. We have to locate them and turn them around. We have to re-seed the subconscious with the desired desires, and make sure the subconscious and conscious desires align perfectly.

After that, the Universe still says YES, but it starts to sound like yes to us and the obstacles are turned into opportunities.

That was Revelation #1 this weekend: that only I decide what I am, and everyone else just agrees with my decision on a subconscious level.

Revelation #2 came after tapping on the Top Ten Money Issues and pretty much clearing them out. My brain was hypnotized all night with the thought “I have plenty of money right now and more is on the way”.

Following a decent but short night's sleep (only slept 5 hours), I woke up, had coffee. While I was looking over the article about tapping for a successful house sale, I was thinking about what else I needed to tap on.

For example, I have an underlying guilt issue about having horses in my current state of liberation from the workforce and financial circumstances because I was always taught from an early age that:

• horse ownership is the domain of the wealthy
  
• we can’t afford it (even though Dad more than adequately supported us on one salary)
  
• it’s all about fun and you’re only allowed to have fun after the “important” things are taken care of
  
• you can’t make money in horses
  
• horses will drain your income away
  
• clinics are extravagant
  
• the idea that I could ever become a Parelli Professional and make money at this is completely impossible and ridiculous

That’s why when the bank account dips low, I avoid the barn, and when it’s on the upswing, I spend more time out there "indulging myself".

Please note, for those of you who don't know much about me yet, I'm very serious about my PNH goals. My biggest conflict has been between pursuing my old, worn-out musical goals versus pursuing the newer horsemanship goals because people, I did not grow up on a farm around horses, I always wanted them and came to them in my 30s, and some find this incongruent with my having the dream of being a horse "trainer". However, the PNH method teaches how to understand horse psychology and behavior, and once you have that and can communicate with them (also taught), you can very likely "train" (we say "develop") horses to a high level (including championship performance/show level). My original dream was to be a horse trainer; but I was steered into music largely because my Mother had severe allergies—her worst trigger was... horses. 

I KNOW. Totally doesn’t make logical sense that I'd have such resistance to pursuing my goals whether lean or fat times. It’s those darned limiting beliefs!

So I was going to tap those away today when it suddenly hit me and danged if it isn’t based on a Parelli Principle:

It’s not about the ___________.

It’s not about the horses.

It’s not about the money.

It’s not about the home sales.

It’s about the POSSIBILITY of any of those happening.

I finally hit my core issue.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that anything at all is possible for me. If I don’t even believe that things are possible for ME, nothing WILL be.

My belief structure has been:

• nobody could possibly want the house in the estate, especially now that it’s burnt (except me)
• nobody could possibly want my personal home, because it’s only half-finished (except me), and I never felt completely safe there (which is true)
  
• nobody could possibly want to buy my other horse, a mare, because of her special needs (except me—she's insulin-resistant and sugar overload like from sweet feed causes temporary but severe lameness and she's on a strict sugar-free diet and health plan that some might find prohibitive)
  
• all the stuff I’m selling in the garage sale is my cast-offs, and nobody could possibly want this crap (except me)

You know when it really hit me? When I caught my brain in action. Last night, I set myself up to monitor my brain’s mumblings and turned up the volume on them. This is what I heard going on in the background as I was consciously focusing on some other thought:

“Let’s see... we have X in the account right now, we have about X to pay out in bills, clinic fees, transport, hotels, food, board, and probably that forbearance money on the personal home will be due since the house won’t be sold by then, so... since it’s not going to stretch that far, we have to start figuring out whose payments will be delayed, how to get out of some of them, what to dump, who to talk to first, maybe working off board, might have to just accept that we’ll lose the one house, it’s too bad we have to go to that clinic but it would cost more to cancel then to go, so...”

I was shocked. Rewind... replay... what?!?

My brain had already decided, without even consulting me, that we will be utterly broke in a month or close to it, and absolutely nothing will have changed by then! (among other things)

It doesn’t matter how erroneous this is or that there are all kinds of things I can do and am doing to head it off at the pass. The point is, my brain did not even consider or acknowledge the possibility that ANYTHING could change before then to make the scenario it’s presenting totally irrelevant. It has already decided that “this”, the current circumstances, is how things “are”, and will remain as such, and the estate will never close, the houses will never sell, I’ll never get another job, and so on.

It’s eliminated all possibility from my life and I do not know why. THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN HAS BEEN SENDING OUT FOR THE PAST YEAR OR SO!!! It has already planned for us to have no money come October. It's been doing this all year—putting me on a rollercoaster of panic followed by relief followed by panic, relief, rinse and repeat. What has manifested as a result has been nearly going broke (panic), then something comes through (relief), then back to almost broke, then back to relief. Over and over. I must've done something right because the last relief effort was 10 times the first couple of reliefs, but still.

My brain simply doesn’t pay any attention to my CONSCIOUS proclamations that:

• things can change in an instant
  
• things have changed in an instant, several times already, in both directions
• houses do sell in a rough economy
  
• some people are looking for remodeling projects rather than HGTV House Hunter/Curb Appeal perfection
  
• even if the mare wouldn’t be appropriate for a serious PNH student with high level goals such as me or as a performance horse, she’s perfectly suited to be an equine backyard babysitter, a first horse, a companion animal, maybe even a brood mare if her lameness isn’t hereditary
  
• a smart, capable person such as myself is quite readily employable in a variety of positions regardless of my background or the economic condition
  
• the estate is eventually going to close
  
•  people really DO win the lottery, maybe not the jackpot as much but every drawing at least 5 people get the five of five and win $250k so it IS possible

...and so on.

My brain waves it away, says “Yeah, yeah, whatever... OK so we have this much right now, and in a month or so depending on this or that, we’ll be broke again, so the first call we’ll make is...”

Unbelievable.

But this is good news. Because awareness of the problem is the first step to eliminating it. Now that I know the core issue, I can tap on THAT. I can work on eliminating THAT limiting belief and reframe it and implant a NEW, positive belief. I can change the brain! Muhwahahahaaaa!

No, really. I have it worked out.

First, I'll tap on this set up phrase: Even though I believe there are no possibilities for me, I completely love and accept myself.

Second, I'll tap on: Even though I am still believing, I now choose to release that there are no possibilities for me.

Lastly, I'll tap on this: I am now believing and radiating these truths:

• I am grateful that this is a Universe of limitless possibility and abundance
  
• I am grateful for all of God’s Blessings
  
• I am ready for and worthy of all good things coming to me now
  
• I now choose to experience limitless possibility in all areas of my life
  

I will let you know how it goes.

Life and...

If you found out you had a terminal illness and had only a short time left to live, how would your life change? What things would you eliminate from your life, and what things would you focus on?

No, I'm fine. No worries there. But the concept was floating around in my mind this morning, so I played with it a bit. Here's what I discovered—my life as I'm currently living it is out of alignment with how I'd live it if I found out I only had one or two years to live.

If my time were short, this is what I would do:

• finish my music (finish writing, recording and producing my songs, make a CD or two)
• get right with God and seriously focus on my spirituality so I'd feel confident about where I'm going in the next stage
• spend a lot of time enjoying my friends and family, human and otherwise
• ride my horse frequently on the trails, play with him, progress in our horsemanship as far as we can take it but without worrying about passing Levels (if we do, we do; if we don't, no biggie)
• make sure all the preparations are in order so I'll be ushered into the next life the way I want to be (sweat pants, Steve Perry t-shirt, socks and slippers, and no underwear because I refuse to have wedgies or wear underwire for all eternity) and to make sure that people get what I want them to have

And that's really about it.

My dreams of world travel seem unimportant, because what is the point of making memories to last a lifetime if my lifetime isn't going to last? Unless they were trips taken with the ones I'm leaving behind, so they can remember for both of us. But suddenly, other than visiting the Holy Land (for obvious reasons) and traveling to be with friends and family, seeing the Taj Mahal, Australia, and Morocco have lost their importance. So have things like weight loss, becoming a rock star (fame/fortune), making lots of money, being perfectly organized, sorting all the chaos, etc.

It's a rather interesting perspective.

Good thing I'm not suffering from a terminal illness, isn't it? Whew!

Oh.

But wait.

LIFE is terminal.

Forgot that, didn't you?

Doesn't matter if you have a better idea of the possible expiration date stamped on your body or not—we are ALL terminal. Some are, unfortunately, more aware of it than others (and I'm sensitive to that, having lost my Mother to a very aggressive cancer).

So why are we living as if THIS is eternity? I have news for you—it's not. This is merely a blip on the eternal radar. Any one of us reading—or writing—this could be called away at any time, with or without warning.

Doesn't it make more sense to do as Tim McGraw says in his song, and "Live Like You Were Dying?"

Well, what are you waiting for?