Why Fear Wealth?

One of my biggest limiting beliefs is that being rich will lead me away from being spiritual. I've been trying to figure out why. I think I know.

It's because of the phrase "Idle Rich".

I don't believe there is such a thing, at least not in my world. I'm only idle when I'm poor, because the things I love to do cost money (if I'm doing them effectively). I stay home. I trim down to a frighteningly frugal level of bare minimum maintenance. I haven't had a hair cut in over a year. I do not go out. Period. I use the library. I rarely leave the house. I become tight-fisted and less generous because you never know when you might need that $20. I only maintain cable because my internet service comes through it, and in the event I get a freelance design job, I need to maintain my capability of getting the job to the clients and the print shop. But I've trimmed the cable selections to nil.

When I'm wealthy, OTOH, I am ACTIVE. I'm all over the place! I'm traveling, dining out, meeting friends, socializing, thinking up project after project, starting a new one before beginning the old, "going off on tangents/traipsing all over the countryside" as my Mother used to say...

I'm a go-getter, up and at em, energy ball when I'm wealthy. I'm the opposite of idle.

And that's the problem. Because all of those things are DISTRACTIONS. They are time suckers. They keep me going, going, going like the Energizer Bunny, rarely slowing down to take a breath while the world whips past.

When I'm working it's even worse. I spend 8-10 hours at the job, where it's go go go meet deadlines fix problems don't think just DO and hurry up about it (I was a print production technician and designer), then I go home and collapse from exhaustion in the evenings. Time is lost because I'm too worn out to do anything "fun" or for myself. Weekends are a busy cramfest where I try to fit in all the things I didn't have time or energy for during the week. Church? Are you kiddin' me? Get up early on a Sunday when I could be sleeping in?

And so my spirituality fell short. I fell out of touch with my inner being, with God, with the whole meaning of life. As I wrote in my journal the other day, certainly judging by the events of the past few years, this qualifies as the WORST time of my entire life.

But it has also in many ways been the best. There are a couple of areas that have gone well in spite of it all: my horsemanship activities and my spirituality/self-knowledge. I've had plenty of time to sort myself out, reconnect with God, and figure out what spirituality means to me. I've also worked on my horsemanship and riding, which is moving me towards my goal of becoming a Parelli Natural Horsemanship Instructor and Horse Developer.

The other day, I asked myself what my favorite experience on this planet has been. The answer? My time with horses. The past eight years have had horses in them full time, and it has been the BEST time of my life.

Wait a minute. Didn't I just say it was the WORST time of my life?

Yes. The best AND worst times of my life are occurring simultaneously. The beauty of this realization is in understanding that I've been focusing only on the WORST part, and completely overlooking the BEST part. My joy, my heart, my reason for existing is wrapped up in that horse, and nothing I've experienced any other time in my life other than God has been that joy-filled.

So in a way, this temporary descent into the world of the not-haves has had its blessings.

But... when I return to prosperity... when my life picks up and takes off again... when I return to work... if I suddenly find myself in possession of a large amount of money... will all of this change? Will I revert? Will I go back to being busybusybusy with no time to stop and smell the horse barn? Will I lose sight of my spiritual side, my connection with God, and be mindless again?

I suppose my fear of suddenly becoming wealthy again stems from this sense that my connection to my spiritual side is not yet as firm, not cemented in place. It's still shaky. It's still developing. It has roots, but the soil could be a bit more fertile. It's growing, but the leaves are new, and they must enlarge to take in the nourishing sun. The blossoms are still buds. I fear that one smell of material boost and WHAM goes the plant, tromped down under the shiny new Kenneth Cole boot that just had to come home with me. (I exaggerate—I'm not very materially inclined nor am I particularly attracted to designer labels unless you consider Wrangler and Resistol to be designers, but I needed an analogy.)

All of the material goods that accompany financial prosperity, and the events and circumstances, can become distractions that lead the focus away from the spiritual self and the Unseen, directing it to the physical, earth-bound "can be seen" reality. I guess I just really don't want to be that person anymore. Ever. It doesn't mean I don't want a decent home, my truck and trailer, and a lovely little farm—just that when I attain those, I'd like to also maintain and continue to foster my spiritual growth IN SPITE of my prosperity.

And I don't want to be one of those people whose success and financial status makes them the subject of critical judgment and sneers. Such as a former boss. My friend's husband worked briefly for the company that had laid me off. He told of how because of the economic "crisis", it was necessary to cut everyone's salary by 20%. That was done; then two weeks later, the boss rolled up in a luxury car that was newer, nicer and twice as costly as the luxury car he'd been driving the previous week.

Now. It LOOKS as though the boss did not apply his philosophy to himself and in fact continued to treat himself while making his employees cut back, and that left employees steaming with unexpressed resentment and jealousy.

But is this how it REALLY was?

What if the boss had also tightened his belt? What if they'd been a two-car family; the newer car had been his wife's, purchased during an economic upswing or on a discount because they had a friend who deals cars who got them a deal, and it was fully paid off; and in the light of the economy now, they'd opted to become a one-car family, so the boss had traded in or sold off one car, and they'd decided the wise thing would be to keep the newer, paid-off car for obvious reasons, and his wife was now sacrificing her mobility so hubby could get to the job?

Nobody thought to consider that, though, I'll bet. Besides, he IS the president of the company. His economic standing was always going to be higher than that of his employees. Even if he DID cut back in his own way.

But being the subject of the first assumption is something I wish to avoid.

However, this belief is serving me poorly, no pun intended.

So is it okay for me to pray for a lottery win? Of course. Because it's not about the money; it's about what it can do for me, for my family and friends, and for all the people I have yet to meet that will benefit from my generosity.

I've also realized that the way I behave MATTERS. Despite my economic position, it is imperative that I continue to behave in as many ways possible as if I am wealthy in order to generate the proper vibe to attract more wealth in to my life. Putting out vibes of scarcity and restriction attracts more of that.

I may not have oodles of money to spend, but I can certainly do things in ways that make me feel more prosperous. I just need to be considerably more creative than via shopping and dining out. If it helps, for example, to eat my Ramen by candlelight on the good china with a freshly pressed tablecloth on the table and soft music in the background, then I should do that, while relishing every yummy bite.

If I feel more prosperous simply because my gray hair IS covered, then I should prioritize applying that $2 bottle of dye to my head even if it's not the spa experience I'm used to, then swing my hair around like the girls in the shampoo ads (because I'm worth it™).

It's the little things that matter; and the little details that are the devil to distract you. How you approach them is the trick.

I've finally narrowed down my spiritual leanings and determined that I would be considered a practitioner of Religious Science, Science of Mind, or New Thought. (Note—this is different from Christian Science or Scientology!) I've located THREE (!) spiritual centers in my area and a church of Universal Unitarianism nearby that I'm planning to check out this month. My gut feeling is that once I'm firmly ensconced in a church setting where my faith is being supported and maintained beyond what I do here at home, it will give me the roots and fertilizer needed to strengthen my faith so that it will be strong enough to withstand the distractions that may come up as my prosperity returns. I believe that once it is obvious that I'm decidedly on this path, things will turn around, blocks will lift, and I am being fully restored.

Go forth, and prosper. May you be blessed.